Post # 1
I could really use some support right now from you ladies.
I recently wrote a post about my boyfriend’s depression and doubts about our relationship and how we were trying to work through it. Well, two days ago, he decided it wasn’t fair to go on any longer with the doubts he had and he ended it. Just like that. 5 years together and living in our brand new condo for 4 months, and it’s over. And I have no idea what to do.
He says he still loves me, just not in the way that I want and deserve. He still wants me in his life because he says nobody has ever been as supportive and as cared as much about him as I have, except of course, his mom.
I am just still so in love with him and it’s so hard when you’ve planned a future with someone. to see it all go away. I can’t even stand to be in our condo because that was supposed to be our home that we built together and that was supposed to be ours. Now, I’m making bank appointments and planning on moving back home with my parents. His mom even texted me today and said her family loves me so much and hopes I can still be apart of their family.
I don’t know Bees. Any helpful advice? Words of wisdom? I feel so lost
Post # 2
BBK009: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Hugs!
He ended it but he still wants you in his life…. in his life as a friend?
My advice would be to make it a clean break. This would be in your best interest since you are feeling heartbroken about it. If you hang around in the wings as his supportive friend, it’s going to be very hard on you and prevent you from moving on.
Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family, and move on as soon as you can.
Take good care of yourself!
Post # 3
You said your boyfriend was suffering from depression, is it possible this is less about an actual logical, well thought out decision and more about a profound emotional low he’s experiencing right now? I’ve struggled with depression in the past and often find myself thinking, “[My SO] deserves so much better than me. I love him so much but he doesn’t deserve what I put him through. I’m [insert some negative trait/flaw here]”. I become convinced that I would be doing him a favor by leaving him because I worry that I will only drag him down and ultimately ruin his life. Depression can be an incredibly difficult beast to overcome, especially if its something you’ve had for years.
If he’s willing to talk to you, maybe you could suggest seeing a therapist together? Maybe he’s harboring feelings very similar to the ones I experienced.
I wish you both the best.
Post # 4
BBK009: maybe this is all his depression? He just feels inadequate right now and ,in his mond,you’re better off without him. He says he still loves you and wants to be in your life. I suggest counseling. I think maybe he’s going through a rough patch with his depression. Definitely a mental health doctor also. Good luck:)
Post # 5
Mrs.BigBear: lol yeah,what you said:)
Post # 6
Mrs.BigBear: He has been seeing a counsellor. He’s been dealing with this particular bout of depression for a few months now. He said the intimacy and the passion went away and he’s been struggling to make it work, hoping it would get better, especially once we got into our condo (which we actually purhased last year, but were waiting for it to be built). The fact that we couldn’t make it work is, from what I understand,why the depression was so bad and he decided this was the change he needed, which his counsellor agreed with.
I wish he would have said something sooner, like months ago, so that we could have started counselling sooner or at least just tried to get that spark back in our relationship.
Post # 7
I suggested couples counselling when this break-up conversation happened, but he didn’t seem to think it would help. I wish this was all just his depression talking, I do, but at this point I feel like if I continue to think that way, I will just end up more heartbroken down the road.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry. I went through a break up a few weeks after buying a house with my ex. He didn’t have depression I don’t think but said he was hoping the house would make him feel closer to me and bring back his passion. Wish he told me that stuff before we bought. I did therapy on my own and really I needed distance and closure. I would not recommend staying friends and part of the family, you have to move on.
Post # 9
ITA about a clean break. He can’t have it both ways. You can’t heal if you try to remain “friends”. My advice is to go No Contact immediately.
Perhaps someday in the future you can reach out to his family, but not now.
As for his depression–that is his responsibility, not yours.
I am sorry you’re going thru this, I can only imagine the pain. Getting yourself into counseling would be a great way to take care of yourself.
Gentle cyber hugs from SoCal.
Post # 10
BBK009: It sounds like a self-perpetuating cycle, “I’m depressed because the passion is gone, but the passion is gone because I’m depressed.” I’m sorry you’re both going through this, but if he has been seeing a counsellor and already trying to work on this, I suppose I agree with PP’s who have said at this point, maybe it is best to move on (though I understand how incredibly difficult that may be).
Post # 11
He says he still loves me, just not in the way that I want and deserve. He still wants me in his life because he says nobody has ever been as supportive and as cared as much about him as I have, except of course, his mom. <br /><br />You really need to examine the above and make sure you completely understand where he is coming from. He loves you, he’s just not in love with you. But he’d still like to keep you around because you’re all about him. He sees you as being on par with his mom, so definitely no romantic or intimate feelings for you whatsoever.
Also, he had these feelings for quite awhile but did nothing about it until you called him out on it a few weeks ago. He spent months and months keeping it to himself and the most he can devote to some sort of actual action (like counseling) is a couple of weeks and he’s out.
I know this hurts. And I know you are still in love with him. But trust me when I say this is over for him – in every way, shape and form – and has been for a long time now. Keep your grace and dignity and let him be on his way. If you don’t accept this and move on, it will not change the ultimate outcome. It will only change how you feel about yourself after.
ETA: The fact that we couldn’t make it work is, from what I understand,why the depression was so bad and he decided this was the change he needed, which his counsellor agreed with.<br /><br />
Please don’t discount this. I can see your urge to think the depression led to him distancing himself and the erosion of the relationship. But it sounds like what he is telling you is that he just wasn’t feeling it anymore and trying to force himself to, is what led to his depression. YOu want to beleive it went depression -> his love for you dissipated. But for him it was his love for you dissipated -> depression (at the thought of dealing with the fall-out of ending the realsionship and the complication of a new condo you hadn’t even moved into yet as an extra little wrench thrown in.) If you are brutally honest with yourself does it seem likely this would’ve ended sooner if it hadn’t been for the condo situation?