Going Through A Break-Up

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

BBK009: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Hugs!

He ended it but he still wants you in his life…. in his life as a friend?

My advice would be to make it a clean break. This would be in your best interest since you are feeling heartbroken about it. If you hang around in the wings as his supportive friend, it’s going to be very hard on you and prevent you from moving on.

Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family, and move on as soon as you can.

Take good care of yourself!

Post # 3
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

You said your boyfriend was suffering from depression, is it possible this is less about an actual logical, well thought out decision and more about a profound emotional low he’s experiencing right now? I’ve struggled with depression in the past and often find myself thinking, “[My SO] deserves so much better than me. I love him so much but he doesn’t deserve what I put him through. I’m [insert some negative trait/flaw here]”. I become convinced that I would be doing him a favor by leaving him because I worry that I will only drag him down and ultimately ruin his life. Depression can be an incredibly difficult beast to overcome, especially if its something you’ve had for years. 

If he’s willing to talk to you, maybe you could suggest seeing a therapist together? Maybe he’s harboring feelings very similar to the ones I experienced.

I wish you both the best. 

Post # 4
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

BBK009:  maybe this is all his depression? He just feels inadequate right now and ,in his mond,you’re better off without him. He says he still loves you and wants to be in your life. I suggest counseling. I think maybe he’s going through a rough patch with his depression. Definitely a mental health doctor also. Good luck:)

Post # 8
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry. I went through a break up a few weeks after buying a house with my ex. He didn’t have depression I don’t think but said he was hoping the house would make him feel closer to me and bring back his passion. Wish he told me that stuff before we bought. I did therapy on my own and really I needed distance and closure. I would not recommend staying friends and part of the family, you have to move on.

Post # 9
Member
4916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

ITA about a clean break.  He can’t have it both ways.  You can’t heal if you try to remain “friends”.  My advice is to go No Contact immediately.

Perhaps someday in the future you can reach out to his family, but not now.

As for his depression–that is his responsibility, not yours.  

I am sorry you’re going thru this, I can only imagine the pain.  Getting yourself into counseling would be a great way to take care of yourself.

Gentle cyber hugs from SoCal.

Post # 10
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

BBK009:  It sounds like a self-perpetuating cycle, “I’m depressed because the passion is gone, but the passion is gone because I’m depressed.” I’m sorry you’re both going through this, but if he has been seeing a counsellor and already trying to work on this, I suppose I agree with PP’s who have said at this point, maybe it is best to move on (though I understand how incredibly difficult that may be).

Post # 11
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

He says he still loves me, just not in the way that I want and deserve. He still wants me in his life because he says nobody has ever been as supportive and as cared as much about him as I have, except of course, his mom. <br /><br />You really need to examine the above and make sure you completely understand where he is coming from. He loves you, he’s just not in love with you.  But he’d still like to keep you around because you’re all about him. He sees you as being on par with his mom, so definitely no romantic or intimate feelings for you whatsoever.

Also, he had these feelings for quite awhile but did nothing about it until you called him out on it a few weeks ago. He spent months and months keeping it to himself and the most he can devote to some sort of actual action (like counseling) is a couple of weeks and he’s out.

I know this hurts. And I know you are still in love with him. But trust me when I say this is over for him – in every way, shape and form – and has been for a long time now. Keep your grace and dignity and let him be on his way. If you don’t accept this and move on, it will not change the ultimate outcome. It will only change how you feel about yourself after.

 

ETA:  The fact that we couldn’t make it work is, from what I understand,why the depression was so bad and he decided this was the change he needed, which his counsellor agreed with.<br /><br />

Please don’t discount this. I can see your urge to think the depression led to him distancing himself and the erosion of the relationship. But it sounds like what he is telling you is that he just wasn’t feeling it anymore and trying to force himself to, is what led to his depression. YOu want to beleive it went depression -> his love for you dissipated.  But for him it was his love for you dissipated -> depression (at the thought of dealing with the fall-out of ending the realsionship and the complication of a new condo you hadn’t even moved into yet as an extra little wrench thrown in.) If you are brutally honest with yourself does it seem likely this would’ve ended sooner if it hadn’t been for the condo situation?

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