(Closed) Going through with a wedding style I didn't want is ruining my marriage

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Aaaaw -Hugs- I’m sorry you are feeling this way. There really is not much point focussing so much on the past, a lot of us brides have had major letdowns on the wedding day but its about focussing on the now. Sounds like you could benefit from a councillor or some sort of professional, someone to talk to about the Current issues with your partner.

Are all the problems that you have currently related to the wedding? If so, it’s time to start re-building and let go of what ‘could have been’ and instead look at and appreciate ‘what is’. We all make mistakes, you both made the mistake of proceeding with a wedding that wasnt 100% what you had hoped for, and it’s up to you whether you can forgive him for that mistake. Forgiveness is a huge part of commitment, I think. If you really love him I think you should find it in your heart to forgive him and move on. Looking at wedding sites online probably doesn’t help either 😉 

Post # 5
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As I was reading this I was thinking why don’t you re-new your vows and have control over that instead? Good to see you are, vow renewal isn’t marrying someone again- it’s sort of a refresher or update. Your wedding is in the past now and you can’t change that, but you can start over and look forward.

Me and my oh have had to make a lot of compromises on the way, so I do sympathise

Post # 6
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Darcy212:  I agree. You have to do what you can (the vow renewal) and try to move on from what you can’t. 

Post # 7
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I really hope you find it in you to forgive him (and yourself!) and move past this. A day (albeit an important one) isn’t worth ruining the rest of your life over.


You should probably try not to think too much about wedding or if you can, just tell yourself that your real wedding will be your vow renewal??

Post # 8
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009


I’m typing this from my phone right now, so my response is going to be more brief than I would like to offer.

First, I’m very sorry that you have been going through all of this. Although I didn’t have the exact same situation occur, I did end up with some deep disappointment over some things that did not turn out as I had planned for my wedding (our timeline derailed, and I never had the opportunity to talk to or even greet the majority of guests at my wedding — we spent way too much time having pictures taken after dinner, pictures that didn’t even turn out very well, etc.), and as a result, I ended up feeling sad and depressed about it for many months after my wedding. Because of this, I cried repeatedly on my honeymoon and could speak of very little else the entire time we were there.

My demeanor and attitude ultimately had a profound negative affect on the beginnings of my new marriage, even though I didn’t understand that at the time. Also, by marrying my Darling Husband, my life changed in an overwhelming number of ways. I began commuting between my city/state and his small town in another state hours away, splitting my time between the two for almost the whole first year of our marriage until I could sell my house, resign from my job, and relocate full time. I also married a very busy, very exhausted single dad who has a demanding job (pastor) that requires him to work much of every weekend. I had hopes of having time alone with my new husband, but, the majority of the time, he was either working, spending time with the children, fulfilling his commitments to his numerous activities at church and a sports league, destressing by playing on the computer, or sleeping. Although he didn’t prioritize his parents over me, the very nature of his life was such that, although I technically should come first after God, the circumstances of his life, in his world — a world I willingly entered into when a married him — did not allow that to be so. As a result, I spent even more time crying, felt more upset, and found myself becoming resentful and angry — two emotions that lead to nothing good.

When things do not turn out as we hoped and dreamed, especially something as special and significant as a wedding, a honeymoon, or the newlywed portion of a marriage, the disappointment and pain can be quite devastating. Especially early on, as we’re first beginning to feel the impact of reality not having met our expectations, we often fail to realize the enormous role that WE, ourselves, end up playing in this vicious cycle of disappointment, anger, and grief. We generally will focus squarely on the thing(s) and/or person/people that/whom WE view as being responsible for our disappointment, sadness, and pain. And, because of that, we rarely, at least initially, are able to understand and accept the fact that WE, ourselves, have played a dramatic role in our own unhappiness.

I’m telling you all of this, because, if you look back over what you’ve written, you likely should be able see that you, like I did in my life, have made a series of decisions that have, in great part, resulted in what you’re experiencing today. You chose to go forward with the church wedding. You chose to be angry — even as you were walking down the aisle — about doing so. You chose to focus only the negative even in the midst of what should have been the most wonderful day of your life thus far. You chose to be angry at and resentful toward your husband. And you’re choosing to view and treat him and your marriage differently because of it.

(I am almost out of space in this text box on my phone and will need to conclude in a separate post. Please forgive my typos.)

Post # 9
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He (or his parents) wanted a church wedding, you didn’t. So, either your husband was going to get his way (which he did) and you would be unhappy OR you would’ve had your way and HE would’ve been unhappy- was there any discussion of a compromise while planning??

As upset as you are about it, I don’t think you have a right to blame your husband. You weren’t forced to marry in a church. I feel badly for your husband that you clearly have some resentment towards him and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it now. YOU should have put your foot down before going through with a wedding you didn’t want.

If you continue to dwell on it, your marriage will be over. As special as a wedding day is, it is minor in the grand scheme of the marriage itself. You either want to be married to him or you don’t. And if you do, then let this go.


Post # 10
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@celticbride:  I agree.  OP, you chose to go with what he wanted and were resentful from the get go.  That’s not his fault.  The actual wedding day, which is great to have fond memories of, is but blip on the radar of your married life. You’re making yourself miserable and probably him too and no good can come of it.  He can’t change the past, neither can you.

For instance Darling Husband could still be mad at me because I forgot the bouqet in the fridge (cat distracted me!) and we got almost out of town before I remembered, so we were the last ones to the wedding site besides the photographer and officiant (we even got a where are you call).  We laugh about it (and you can see from my wedding date it’s only been a few months!).

You’re planning a vow renew, do it the way you want.  Let everything go, if it’s in the past and you can’t change it, and it’s your only complaint (and you did agree to it after all) focus on the good things and why you wanted to marry him in the first place.  Plan your renewal for what you dreamed of, then you both get what you want.  Then in a months or a few years you can go “God, you know I hated that church ceremony but I did it for you, and I loved the vow renewal we had a year later, it was just the way I imagined!”.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but you did agree to the original ceremony.  Darling Husband and I had serious “no!” things, luckily nothing that caused a real issues, but if not one of us would have had to give in to be married, and you did… that was your choice, don’t hold it against him!

Post # 12
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Part 2 of my response:

You need to understand that the choices you’re making — especially what you’re allowing your thoughts, emotions, and words to focus on today — are, in large part, going to determine your future. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to attempt to move forward when you’re turned around and looking at and mired in the past. And, this is SO important, you also are quite literally missing out on the JOY and happiness you could be experiencing today, because you have been unable and unwilling to relinquish the hurts of yesterday.

I know from experience what this is like. I felt as if I had missed out on my own very expensive and wonderful honeymoon in a beautiful location, because I literally spent the majority of my time and energy grieving over what I felt that I had missed at my wedding. The domino effects of this truth are chilling.

We really do play an extremely large role in our own destiny simply by what we choose to allow to occupy our thoughts, because our thoughts determine our emotions, and our emotions have great influence over our decisions. Right now, you’re really allowing yourself to be guided by what you feel about your husband and your marriage. However, you don’t need to do that. Your feelings are going to fluctuate throughout your life, many times, for many reasons. If you allow yourself to be led by them, you could end up in any number of places. You can, however, make a choice, a decision, to move past your hurt, to forgive your husband (forgiveness really is a choice, NOT a feeling — your feelings may take much longer to follow after you make the choice to forgive) and to act on that forgiveness. The same holds true for love. Although there are many wonderful feelings associated with love, at it’s core, love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a decision.

I wish you and your husband a bright, happy future together!

Post # 13
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I understand the disappointment BUT from someone who has been married 11 years…if you are holding onto this resentment for this long, to the point you don’t feel love for him, I can’t imagine how you will feel when other things happen in the future that are a lot more stressful. This isn’t just your husband’s fault. YOU agreed. I have tons of anger when I truly sit back and think about my own wedding bc of my Mother-In-Law and things I didn’t have/do to satisfy her, which I regret to this day, but it’s not my DH’s fault. I think you either let it go or seriously consider if you should remain in a marriage where you clearly seem to resent your husband. It is not fair to him. He sounds like he was under alot of pressure from his parents. Or, perhaps a therapist could help you come to terms with your wedding bc you don’t come across as happy to do a vow renewal either.

i wanted to add that I did have resentment for the longest time with not doing certain things I wanted for my wedding and Darling Husband agreed with others when it came to one thing that I really wanted, and while I regret it to this day…I never felt less love for my Darling Husband. And I didn’t spend my wedding day angry bc of it. As bratty as I can be, I think it sounds a bit bratty on your part to act the way you did and still be this angry at him.

Post # 14
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He apologized. I think you need to get over it. One day isn’t worth throwing a marriage away if you truly love someone. Yes the wedding is important, but what really matters isn’t the ring or the propsal or the wedding, but the marriage.  

You need to own your part in your own unhappiness – you allowed the wedding to happen as it did.  You could have postponed the wedding until you worked out another compromise with him that would have suited both of you.  Marriage is about compromises and I’m sorry that he got the ceremony the way he “wanted” it and you didn’t, but you should be happy in knowing it made him happy and probably made his life dealing with his parents a lot easier.  My fiance wanted to get married in our state where we live, and while I didn’t care where we had it, he gave that dream up for me to make it easier to deal with my parents by having the wedding in my hometown.

Life’s to short to dwell on one day if you love him.  If you’re willing to throw your marriage away over something so minimal then maybe you never truly loved him in the first place.  You made vows to each other that day to be there for each other through good times and bad…

You can’t always control what happens in life but you can always control your reaction to it and how you deal with it.  If you continue dwelling on it surely your marriage will end.  If you can’t seem to get over it maybe you need some therapy to explore why you can’t it go.

Post # 15
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Brielle:  great advice!

Post # 16
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Since @Brielle has so elegantly responded in depth, I’m going to make my comment rather short and to the point.

The important part of your relationship is the marriage, not the wedding day and ceremony. The marriage is what lasts a lifetime. You have spent your entire marriage focused on the wedding day and therefore have no really given yourself completely to the marriage. You actually don’t yet know what it’s like to be married to this man because you haven’t moved on from the wedding day. Let go and focus on your marriage and your relationship.

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