Post # 1
Would you go?
So I have written a couple of posts before about my in-laws. So since we have gotten rried my DH has not talked to a single one of his siblings. They took all took a family vacation and then blocked me on facebook (very mature). His mother who told him that it was either me or her has talked to him once. I posted about sitting in the ER and she called him because a friend called her to ask if her sonw as okay since she read my post. His mother stays fake and puts on her little act and his father and grandfather try to make an effort.
During our relationship we have always split holidays. Usually on Thanksgiving because my family eats early and his eats late we go with my family and then his. But I really don’t want to go this year. During the last year of our engagement they have made our lives a living hell which is why he no longer speaks to his family.
He has talked about stopping by for an hour or so for dessert cause part of him wants to see his extended family. It is not definete that he even wants to go but he has talked about it. He supports me know matter what I decide but needs to make his own decision in regards to himself.
But if he goes without me it’s like they one because they won and t least in their minds) to chose them over his wife. But if I go I am so uncomfortable around them that I will have a panic attack if he even leaves me to go to the bathroom.
I just hate the fact that he will always search and beg for their approval even when he knows how mean they are to him/ It breaks my heart because I love him so much.
Anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
I’d go with him if I were you. First, I think you need to let him make a decision about how to handle his own family because you never want to be in the position of putting a wedge between them (even if they deserve it)… which it sounds like he is definitely making his own choice here so that is good. And second I would definitely go with him. Not going is almost like rewarding their bad behavior… if they treat you crappy they get him all to themselves. F that! Present a united front.
Now, if they’re mean to you in front of him and he does nothing about it, that is a whole separate issue. He needs to stand by you and take your side regardless.
Post # 4
I think that maybe Tgiving isn’t the best time to start things up again after going cold turkey not talking to anyone. It’s too many of them at once and will be a little overwhelming. If I were you I would encourage him to wait until after the holidays and reach out individually to the extended family he wants to reconnect with.
Post # 5
I would go and I would kill them with kindness. Almost to the point of being obnoxious… maybe not the most mature approach but I’d be better at that than at being tough…
I would also set up a code word for getting O.U.T. if the need arises suddenly and I would also set up a time for leaving – code word or not. It would be a lot more bearable if you arrive there at 7 pm and know that at 9 pm, you’re free.
It sounds really tough and no one should have to put up with it so I wish you and your DH lots of luck!
Post # 6
@CorgiTales- He is very protective of me so that’s not the issue. They will just be really mean to me if he leaves me even for a second. There are 4 girls and they just gang up on you.
@moderndaisy- I know what you are saying. But reaching out to his family is sort of out of the question. I don’t know if he just needs one more time to see how bad it is or what?
@anamcara- I am a very strong person until it comes to them. We did talk about only going for an hour but I literally get so nervous that I probably will vomit before we go. They tear me apart and make me so nervous. So DH understand if I don’t go I just don’t want to give them the satisfaction.
Post # 7
I don’t think tgiving is really the time either.
I would set it for less than an hour, make him go to the bathroom before we enter the house and then as someone else said, have a code word. And the second anyone is nasty to you, you both need to leave. “Since you cannot behave yourselves, we will be leaving. Enjoy the rest of the evening.” And then walk away. They may apologize and grovel at your feet but still leave TOGETHER, with your husband making the first move to walk away.
Is there anyone you like to chat with? If so, I would stick close to them and chat them up when DH left the room.
Post # 8
@roxy821: Ugh, girls are the WORST. I can totally relate because in my family, the ‘grandkids’ my siblings and my cousins, are ALL girls except for my brother (the oldest) and my cousin S (the youngest). So in between are 8 girls. I actually had to stop going to our family summer vacations because I couldn’t deal with the pettiness and drama and competition all the time. They clique together and pick on people and always left me out. Sorry for the rant..
Anyway, if your DH is intent on shoing up to Tgiving and doesn’t want to wait to see the extended family members, I would go with him and just act really happy. It might be awkward if he goes to the bathroom and leaves you alone and you have no one to talk to, but just grab a cocktail, pull up a seat on the couch and wait for him to come back. When I am forced to see my extended family, if I am left alone I also try ot play with the kids too. But sometimes you are left fending for yourself, walk around and look at pictures, examine the decorations, etc.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t go but you shouldn’t prevent him from going without you. If he does, I predict he’ll be home within the hour once they start their nonsense. Why would you walk into that situation knowing how it will be? I’m a strong person too, but I’d never give them an opportunity to mock or be mean to me ever again…I’ve lived it, and had no problem writing them out of my life.
Post # 10
I would go to support him. You aren’t going to seek their approval. Smile, be polite and protect yourself (ie: avoid the bitterness directed at you).
I also don’t think by not going it would show them that they ‘win’.
My first concern would be to support DH in whatever way he needed it – if that means putting up with the miserable inlaws for an hour, so be it.
Sorry you are dealing with this!!! Seriously sucks!
Post # 11
I agree w/ nyebride! Go with him, and the minute they start being rude to you (even if it is while he’s at the bathroom), let them know that it was nice to see them, but it’s clear that they still cannot be civil human beings and leave once your husband gets back.
Post # 12
I’m going to be the opposit here and say don’t go and your husband shouldn’t go without you. From your posts and what you wrote here, your MIL is awful to you. It’s not just a matter of not being close with his family. She has said and done things to hurt you, and try to hurt your relationship and even worse, hurts her son by doing those things.
I too have a horrid MIL who has been god awful to me, made my DH pick her or me, and feels that the mother will always come first before the wife. She almost hit me at my own RD. We have NO relationship with her and don’t plan on it either. She isn’t welcome in our life, and like you and your husband we haven’t had any contact since our wedding.
I know a lot of people say kill her with kindness but that does not work, I tried it for over a year and it just made things worse and it was an emotional roller coster for me, people like your MIL won’t change, the only way she will attemp to start acting like a decent person is if your not in her life, why reward her and pretend to be nice to her when she treats you like junk, she doesn’t deserve any attempts. She needs to grow up and realize you are his wife and you are not going anywhere. If you both go there for the holidays, she gets her way, and your miserable and uncomfortable. You and your husband are a team and that is why I feel he shouldn’t go without you. I would want no relationship with my family if they treated my DH poorly or wrong and Vs versa, and if he goes and you do not then it just reflects badly on you.
You and your husband need to stand as a united front and a team, and though Iknow it totally sucks for your husband to have family like that and it hurts more on the holidays, you and him need to have your own life that is healthy for you two, having his mother still trying to play her games is not healthy for either of you. You need to let this women come to you if she wants to make any attempts at having a decent relationship with you.
Post # 13
Are they actually mean to you and your husband? What have they done that is so mean? If they are really that mean dont go over there. Have Thanksgiving at your house and invite the in laws. They wont come but it is polite to invite them. I dont think blocking you on facebook is mean unless there is more to the story an I dont think calling the hospital is mean. You said they made your life hell but those examples dont show that. If his extended family is there did every single person in his extended family do something mean?
If they are just uppidy then just go there smile, be polite, and dont let it get to you. You already know how these people are. Think of clever answers for the antics ahead of time so you feel prepared rather than anxious. Also talk to your husband about not needing approval. Approval is nice, it feels good, but he is an adult now so he needs to feel confident in his own decisions and your decisions too! He should let his parents get him down.
And I think killing them with kindness is a mature approach. Other family members will be there and see how kind and polite you are and will think that your MIL is a real witch. Pretend like you are too sweet to understand any of her rude behavior.
Post # 14
Thank you for everyone’s input and advice. I really appreciate it.
I just feel like I don’t want him to go, and he knows I don’t want him to go but this is one of those decisions I do not want to make for him. He has been my guard dog and supports and protects me against any harm including that from his own family. So I feel that he need my support on whatever he decides I am just trying to decide whether or not I could be there.
@mrscandy- Blocking me on facebook and not calling aren’t the mean things. I was just saying that as to how they have made it clear on what they meant, that if he married me then he is no longer family to them. It’s been many incidences over the past 5yrs that have all added up and ended in complete distruction surrounding our wedding.
Post # 15
@roxy821: I really think you are being wise by letting HIM make the decision on this. I think, in this case, the less you say is more. He sees what his family is doing and he wants to see the extended family, not the others. Granted, the extended family could always make the effort to see HIM – but, that’s another topic. Bottom line – continue the course, don’t say anything, and let him decide what he should do. I think it’s important you support him through this difficult situation his family has put both of you in. Hugs.
Post # 16
@oracle- Thank you! I just don’t want to continue brining up how horrible they are because he already knows and it will just make things bad between us.