Post # 1
For a background, I have a meeting in 2 weeks where I determine my internship placement. You can request to be in a certain area, but unless you have a really good reason, chances are you will be ignored. Those who are attempting to stay with their spouses and/or children are given top priority regarding placement. SO and I talked about this awhile ago and decided that getting engaged was the best option for us, it means I’ll be taken seriously when I ask to stay within a reasonable radius of where I am now. Moving away isn’t going to be better for my career in any way -it’s just a 1 year internship, but I’d prefer to stay where I am because I love it here and I really would like to be with my SO. SO took me ring shopping 2+ months ago, but hasn’t brought the topic up or given any hints about when we might get engaged since then. He knows that my meeting is in 2 weeks and he knows that this will affect where I am placed.
I have decided to discuss this with him in as vague a way as possible. I don’t want to push him into getting engaged if he has started to have doubts about our relationship, and I don’t want to ruin any surprises if he has one planned.
I thought about telling him that I thought I would have a good reason to tell the person I am meeting with why I should stay where I am, but now it seems like that won’t happen since there is only 2 weeks left and I am wondering if I should try to come up with a new reason or just trust that things will work out for the best.
My questions are: is this too vague, will he understand what I am talking about? If he says to just trust that things will work out for the best, will he feel that I have ruined his surprise? Also, is this pushing too hard for an engagement right now if he is having second thoughts (I don’t see why he would be, but getting engaged is big and I wouldn’t be shocked/offended if he needed a bit more time to figure this out.)?
Post # 3
I understand that you don’t want to blow the surprise if he plans to propose in the next two weeks, but you already said that he knows about the meeting and he knows that being engaged or not being engaged may affect your placement.
If you don’t want to blow the surprise ( if he may have a proposal planned) then I would just not bring the subject up and let the chips will fall where they may.
If you want to reinforce the timeline, then I would remind him of the meeting date, and ask him to help you priorize other cities if your preferences are given any consideration.
Post # 4
Don’t be vague, be blunt.
Honey, I’ve got 2 weeks beofre the meeting where my internship placement is decided. If I don’t have a permanant reason (ie: spouse, kids, etc) I have no control over where I’m placed. My internship is 1 year, and I will have to move away. I don’t want to rush you or ruin any potential surprise, but I need to know where we stand. If you aren’t ready to get engaged I respect that, but you need to be prepared that I will be moving away.
FWIW, a friend of mine had a similar thing happen in college. They were both graduating and she flat out told her boyfriend that she was going to start interviewing for jobs and without a permanant commitment she would go wherever she got a job offer. He proposed, and the rest is history. It wasn’t a rush or scare tactic, but she wasn’t going to give up a job offer if he wasn’t interested in moving forward.
Post # 5
@sweet5k: If he doesn’t propose by the time you have that interview, can you just say that you’re engaged? Are you living together?
I’m not usually a fan of lying, but if you’re thisclose to getting engaged, then that would really suck if you had to move far away at this point.
I would talk to him, just do it in a non confrontational kind of way… like “I’m worried about the interview in 2 weeks, I really hope that we aren’t split up”.
Post # 7
As much as I love a good surprise, it’s important that I have control over my future when it comes to my career.
Post # 8
No surprise would be worth being separated from my SO for a year if it could be easily avoided.
If your guy wants to marry you, he should man up and propose already.
Post # 9
i think you’ve covered everything already though. he knows unless he proposes there is a good chance you will have to move away. he knows when the meeting is/ Since he hasn’t forgotten either of these things i don’t think you should bring it up again.
if hes ready, he’ll propose beforehand. if not, you might have to go long distance. i think bringing it up again would be pushy. what you wrote that you could say isnt vague at all, its a more diplomatic ‘i thought we’d be engaged by now, why aren’t we’
Post # 10
I’m big on direct and honest. If you hush up your feelings for fear of awkwardness you’re only going to confuse yourself and end up with hurt expectations if your SO doesn’t read your mind.
Planning for your future is smart. If your SO is something you would like in your future plan you should definitely try discussing what this means in terms of big decisions like this!
Post # 11
Don’t bother saying anything if you’re going to be vague. Be blunt or go home, there’s no point in pussyfooting around the topic.
Don’t accuse him of having second thoughts. Just lay out the facts. His second thoughts, or lack thereof, will be obvious depending on his response.
Also, how sure are you that being engaged will have any bearing on your placement? From what you said, that spouses are prioritised, it doesn’t sound like an engagement will solve your problem. Maybe your bf is thinking of it that way?
Post # 12
My degree / internship are religious in nature. The plan that we discussed and fleshed out between Nov. and Jan. was to get engaged and plan the wedding such that we would be married by the time I had to begin my internship. The line that the school likes to give when these sorts of things happen (which happens a fair amount) is that they need to see a ring and a date in order to take it into consideration. I’d be ok fudging the date a bit if we were definitely engaged, but lying about the engagement isn’t a good idea. Also – because this is all religious in nature, we’re not allowed to live together until we are married (though once you’re engaged and have a date set, people generally pretend that they don’t notice if you do). This becomes important because if I do have to move away for internship he won’t even be able to visit me overnight.
Based on responses I realize that I should either just bluntly ask or not say anything at all. I don’t think he’d forget things that are this huge, but I’d really hate to chance being apart for a whole year and am really nervous giving up all control over it. I’m going over for dinner tonight, I guess I’ll decide on the spot whether or not I should speak up.
Thanks for all the input thus far, this has been really helpful.
Post # 13
I voted you should say something else because I think you should be direct, not vague. I think you should tell him you are concerned about the upcoming interview, because you did not have evidence of a solid plan between you yet. That you don’t want to push him if he is having doubts or is not ready, but you want to lay it on the table that xxx is coming up, and xxx is a real possibility if you are not able to give what they consider a good reason to give you priority. I don’t think you should ever just beat around the bush with important things, because when the person on the other end doesn’t pick up what you were trying to say you end up in a bad situation in the end. In my opinion, the only person who can ruin the surprise is him. By saying “well now you ruined the surprise because i blah blah blah blah”. A smart man would tell you to trust that he knows what he’s doing. And then he would propose.
Post # 14
So I did decide to talk to him last night, and I feel so much better now. Apparently there was a problem with the ring and it had to be sent back and now he is waiting for it to arrive. He said that once the ring does arrive he would like to do an official proposal, but that for the purposes of this meeting I should consider myself engaged. Yay relief.
Post # 15
I think you can just say something like this, “My interview is in 2 weeks and unless I’m engaged by then, I won’t be able to tell them that I have a good reason for staying here. I don’t want to ruin a surprise, but I want to make sure you remember that I need to be engaged in 2 weeks or they could send me elsewhere.”
This way, you tell him to make sure it’s done in 2 weeks without you asking him if it’s going to happen and ruining the surprise. You’ll know in 2 weeks if he’s done it or not. Maybe this will be his way of telling you, “Shit, I ordered a ring and it hasn’t come in yet and that’s why I haven’t done it yet, I’m freaking out, but didn’t want to tell you” or something.
I also agree w/ a PP though – if you’re really close to being officially engaged, you can always just say you are.
Post # 16
@sweet5k: YAY! Congrats! I had a feeling there was something with the ring. Those things don’t always come so fast! 🙂