Post # 1
About 2 months ago, my sister became engaged. I will admit I was a little jealous at first. She became engaged to her boyfriend after dating him for only three months! But I quickly got over it. I remembered that it is not a race… and frankly I am concerned that she is moving much too fast.
Besides the short time they were dating before becoming engaged, their relationship is also long distance. We live in Quebec, Canada and he lives in the States. They only visited each other twice in person before becoming engaged! He came up here once and visited and then a few weeks later she went down there and came back with a ring! She says she has known him (online) for more than two years… but I do not think that counts as knowing someone. I knew my boyfriend (in person) for 3 years before we started dating, and I definitely did not know him the way I do now.
What worries me most is my sister has not really ever had a steady relationship before. She has dated plenty of people but it has always been short lived and not serious. I do not even think she has ever dated someone for over a year. Her fiance is a really nice guy and seems like a great person, but I have no idea how she could be certain this is the person she wants to marry.
The last concern is that my sister is still in school and will be for at least 4 or 5 more years. Meanwhile her FI is in the US Army so he can’t move up here. If they get married next summer like they plan to, they’ll have to live apart, in different countries! (Or she would have to quit school, which would be a real shame. Her schooling is much more expensive in the states than here and she can barely afford it as is.). I just do not understand why anyone would want to get married under these circumstances.
To me, it seems like she is just way too eager to get married. I think it would make a lot more sense for her to slow down. If she loves this man so much that she wants to marry him, surely she will still want to marry him in a few years, right?
Anyway, this really made me think about this whole “waiting” thing. Sure, I’m waiting myself, but only because my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years, own a business, own a house, have chosen a ring and we’re ready for the next chapter of our lives to start now. I am really concerned that my sister is setting herself up for disaster here. I really hope that it all works out for her, but I am worried.
Post # 3
All you can do is be there for her. It’s likely that if you try to talk her out of this, she’ll take it as jealousy and/or a condemnation, so you might want to keep your doubts to yourself. FH and I got engaged after 4 months of dating and we’re still doing wonderfully 2 1/2 years later. Time isn’t everything…
But I do agree with you that a longer engagement, in cases like these, makes more sense.
Post # 4
@Statutory Grape: It’s not just the time they were dating before being engaged, is that they only met twice and it’s a pretty inopportune time for her to get married…
I haven’t done anything to try and talk her out of it. Infact, I’m designing her save the dates for her and having a fun time planning with her. My mom has been trying to sway her to have a longer engagement, but she says this is what she wants to do. I’m just a concerned big sister haha.
Post # 5
I totally understand. 🙂 And yeah, the meeting twice thing is worrisome. It’s pretty awesome that you’re designing their save the date and everything, too.
Post # 6
I definitely agree that I’d be equally as worried if it was my sister!
I think Statutory Grape is right though — all you can do is be there for her. Decisions like this have to be made for oneself, and the last thing you want is to push her away when she might be needing you soon! My advice would be to go in hoping for the best, but (secretly) preparing for the worst. I would ask her what her plans are for school, and maybe casually bring up things she should keep in mind, but be careful not to be judgmental or to seem pessimistic. I guess you can just hope that maybe they are planning for a really long engagement!
Good luck to you and your sister!
Post # 7
Yeah I agree with just being there but making sure she’s aware of the issues that’s worrying to you. She seems young and is caught up with the romance of it all, try your best to be the level headed one keeping her grounded.
Post # 8
I have to agree with a couple of posters that it is very difficult to approach her and just tell her your concerns. You sound like you are fairly close so get together over coffee, natter about life for a while and just drop in a few questions about what she’s planning to do in the future. “A blog I was reading was talking about the difficulties of long term relationships… is that hard for you guys? When are you looking to move in together?”… maybe you might trigger in her mind some thoughts that she hasn’t felt rational enough to have yet.
Post # 9
Yikes!! Wow I would be pretty worked up over that one. Dating someone and having things move along quickly is one thing, but this is pretty extreme and also not very well-thought out, as you mentioned. I mean, can you even say she’s been “dating” the guy at all? Using that term to describe having met someone twice is using it pretty loosely, IMO!
Oh man… all I can say is, I feel for your frustration. But it sounds like you’re doing a good job staying level-headed and not getting overly emotional or overstepping any bounds. That’s more than I could say about how I’d be doing in your shoes!
Post # 10
Hmmm… the thing that concerns me most is the fact that they’re from different countries. Getting married to a “foreigner” is a huge, lengthly legal process that requires thousand of dollars in fees and months of waiting for approval. Depending on the circumstances, if she travels to the US to marry him she could be barred for life for immigration fraud!! Tell her to look into that before she does anything!! With any luck, that’ll slow this crazy train down.
Post # 11
@MissHay: Yeah I don’t even know how that works at all! I’ll definitely have to ask if she’s looked into that.