Going with SO for support. His mother isn't coming (long story)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@SmileyKitty:  That stinks. Really. But he is lucky to have you by his side.  One of my aunts told me that most people are disappointed by others because they expect something and get something else. It’s a lot of energy feeling sad and disappointed, and most of the time, in the end, not worth it. We can’t control anyone but ourselves. Stay positive for both you and him.

Post # 5
1716 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like she’s been acting this way for a while. It may be disappointing, but apparently that’s how she’s going to act for now. You might just have to let that go and not expect her to behave in a way she hasn’t been behaving. 

I don’t know why she’s acting this way, but sometimes when people avoid loved ones the way your SO’s mother is avoiding him, it’s because they’ve had difficult and painful experiences with similar circumstances in the past. 

That’s not to say that what she’s doing is right, that’s just to say that there could be other things at play here that you aren’t aware of.

I hope your SO’s situation improves. Thank you for caring for him and providing him with love and support. 

Post # 6
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@SmileyKitty:  Having a mentally ill family member can be very hard on some people. Some people just never accept it and refuse to get involved. Some parents of mentally ill people feel like it is their fault and try and ignore the problem or can’t engage with the person.

There are plenty of posts on this site alone about people leaving their partners or cutting ties withfamily becuase they are not prepared to participate in a mental ill persons life. It is a big ask to be involved and takes a lot of strength and time and understanding. It is not for everyone and it doesn’t make them a bad person,

I think you need to accept that his mother does not want to be involved int his part of his life. Try not to hold a grudge. It doesn;t mean that she doesn’t love her son, it just means that she either doesn’t understand mental illness, is feeling massive guilt over the situation or doesn’t have the personal strength to handle this.

You partner needs only to have the people that will fight for him and will be there for him. Focus on that stuff and leave the negativity behind.

If your partner wants to address it with his mother than let him but make sure he doesn’t accuse her but just lets her know how it feels for him when she wont particiapte.

Post # 7
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@SmileyKitty:  I think that taking care of an adult child with chronic mental health issues is taxing and incredibly challenging.  She might be trying to allow you to step up to your chosen role as primary caretaker/next of kin by not being present and allowing her son to make his own decisions.  She also might have complicated emotions about his choices – I could imagine being wary of letting my son go off of his medications but also wanting him to be able to make his own decisions.

My other point is that it is very much not normal in any country I have heard of to have to go before a tribunal in order to change your mental health treatment plan.  The only situations where I have heard that the state has a say in mental health care is immediately in the aftermath of an involuntary hospitalization for self-harm/harm to others, or as part of a treatment plan for people with mental health issues that have lead to criminal behaviors.  Can you elaborate on how the tribunal got control over his health?

Post # 8
2816 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@j_jaye:  +100

Parenting an adult child with mental illness, especially one as devastating as schizophrenia, is hugely difficult. I think sometimes people get to a point where they just can’t be there as much as they might want to. I can see this especially if your SO is asking the tribunal to let him stop taking his medication. I wouldn’t want to support that decision, if I were his mom, and I say that based on personal experience with a schizophrenic family member of DH’s.

Especially if he was sent to the facility after being violent with his mom, I can see why she might need to detach from the situation a little bit. She has to take care of herself first and foremost. 

Post # 9
124 posts
Blushing bee

I am a mental health therapist and we do have tribunal here they are called LIPT (licensed interagency planning team) and for clients with very difficult cases who are unresponsive of treatment a group of professionals get together monthly to discuss a new plan of treatment. I understand how it can be a struggle to not have his mothers support knowin how life impacting this one meeting can be. Speaking from experience she may be unaware the impact her decisions have on his mental health. I work primarily with children and see directly the impact that family has on their treatment but from what I hear this has been a Long struggle  for him Just know that the support his mother isn’t giving him can come from you 


Post # 11
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@SmileyKitty:  I am glad it went well today for both of you. I am going to encourage you tro contact beyond blue if you haven’t already. They have some great services for carers of people with mental illness. It can be hard work and sometimes you need to talk to people who are in a similar situation.  There are some things that an outsider will just never understand.

Good luck to both of you.

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