Gone off sex

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
613 posts
Busy bee

@Purplefurrydice:  UGG! Terrible .:hugs!:. my BF thinks flicking my nipples is the greatest turn on UMM NO! I think it may be time to confront him about the porn. My BF watches it on occation and I dont see a problem unless he starts forgetting about me and it seems your SO has done that. Im sorry we are women and need you to do more then lay there like a dead starfish.

Post # 4
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah you definitely need to talk to him about what your sexual needs and desires are.  My guy did the “dead starfish” thing a few times a while back, and I initiated a conversation with him about how that just wasn’t working, and its been fine ever since.  How often do you guys communicate about your sex life? Are you comfortable telling him what you like and don’t like?

Also, I wouldn’t take the issue with his penis going soft to personally, in that one occassion.  He did admit that he wasn’t really feeling well.  You can’t expect your partner to always be up for hot steamy sex, just because you’re horny at the moment.  Its sweet that he tried to appease you, but maybe he just wasn’t in the mood.  

Post # 5
2 posts
  • Wedding: September 2015

WOw, reading this makes me REALLY apreciate my BF. He is always more interested in my enjoyment than his own (as we know he will always have his O). I have been with guys like this and it is verry hard to handle (no pun intended). You will deffinately need to talk to him about how all this makes you feel, and how things are effecting your love life together. Sorry, much hugs and prayers it all works out.

Post # 6
641 posts
Busy bee

Gamer/life balance is a hard thing to acheive, but it’s something that he is going to HAVE to learn if he’s not going to be a bachelor forever. 

You’re going to need to set time aside and sit his butt down (Don’t do it after a lousey sex attempt, or nag him away from a raid or any other emotionally charges situations) and talk to him about the fact that you feel he is neglecting you emotionally and sexually, and that you are feeling jealous of the amount of time and effort he is spending with an inanimate game. He may not know. He also may think that morning wood is totally sexy and enticing, because that’s a message porn sends. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Also, what sort of gameplay does he engage in? It’s relevant because people being drawn to put unhealthy amounts of time into games are doing it because there is a need being fulfilled by gameplay that they are not getting met in real life. He may be PVPing because he feels powerless, grinding reputation and collecting items because he needs clearly defined accomplishments and goals, raiding because he misses feeling like good is being acheived through collaborative effort, tanking because he wants to feel like others are reliant on him, there’s something there, and understanding how he plays and what he enjoys about it is going to be crucial to finding a healthy balance. 

I do reccomend the book “Reality is Broken” by Jane McGonigal for excellent insight into what makes games so appealing to people. To non gamers, it seems like a giant worthless time suck, but there is some kind of emotional need being met by the game for him to be dedicating that level of focus to it.

Post # 7
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Purplefurrydice:  You really need to talk to him about this because it is very unhealthy for him to not be giving any effort. If he makes excuses or doesn’t feel like he has a problem then I would suggest counseling. My heart goes out to you because my DH and I have been through online gaming addiction. It was a hard road and it took him a long time to see what he was doing wrong and it took me a while to admit my own faults as well.

HUGS and Prayers heading your way! 

Post # 8
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Yep, Sex Talk time. My FI and I are *always* talking about it, for various reasons. It makes things so much easier when we’re not both trying to READ each other. Most of the time we mis-read, lol. So talking just makes it simple. Granted, it’s not like the early days when we just did it all the time, ha ha. But I suppose this is where the actual intimacy comes in.

Post # 9
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

*hugs* That sounds like a tough situation. It seems like his mind is elsewhere and not with you and pleasing you. Seems like he needs to get his priorities straight. He def shouldn’t be looking at porn without you around. Trying to hide it is a flag in my book. If he can put effort into his games and “online friends that are girls” and not into you, then you guys need to sit down and see where to go and your frustrations. Communication is very big in a realtionship and it helps couples become much closer. You guys needs to rekindle what you had. Seems like games/online porn are taking over his way of thinking and the way he treats a lady! Good luck hun. Keep us posted xoxo

Post # 10
9856 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Purplefurrydice:  My FH used to be the poking type, he did all sorts of variations of it.  At first I found it funny and cute, after a while it just got annoying and I told him.  Things are no longer funny/cute when you do it ALL THE TIME.  We go through phases where sometimes things are great, other times they’re not.  FH is usually in the mood, but when he’s not he’s REALLY not and there’s nothing gonna get him there.

I had to laugh at the starfish reference.  FH and I have used that term in the past when one of us is tired/not feeling well, we’ll joke that if you want to, I’ll lie here and be a starfish and you can do what you want with me. 

I think you need to have an honest, focused (key word) discussion with him outside the bedroom away from electronics about your sex life and see what he says.

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