Post # 1
I’ve been going through a difficult time in my relationship and at work recently.
For the first few years the sex was good but I have gradually become very frustrated at the lack of effort he has been putting into sex. He puts little/no effort into foreplay now and just wants to have sex. It always seems to be me on top with him lying there like a starfish!
Normally, he is all over me but thinks waking me up and poaking my bum is a way to turn me on and initiate sex. I have told him this is the least sexy thing ever and is a massive turn off!
He plays a particular online game a lot and seems to spend ages speaking to his (female) friends online whilst gaming. He also looks at webcam porn on his laptop (but he doesn’t know that I know).
I have recently been trying to spice things up by suggesting sex in different locations, positions, etc. I have even bought a lot of sexy new underwear (he loves stockings and suspenders)
I was so upset last night as he spent all day playing the online game so I dressed up in sexy underwear to entice him off of it. He wasn’t interested in me at all and instead sat on the sofa and wanted to watch tv!
When we did have sex he kept going soft! He told me that he didn’t feel well and his penis hurt. However, this morning he did start poking me in the back again! He has now spent all day online gaming and I feel so neglected.
iI’m worried that he is addicted to online gaming and/or that he has been watching so much porn he is only interested in ‘porn sex’.
Post # 3
@Purplefurrydice: UGG! Terrible .:hugs!:. my BF thinks flicking my nipples is the greatest turn on UMM NO! I think it may be time to confront him about the porn. My BF watches it on occation and I dont see a problem unless he starts forgetting about me and it seems your SO has done that. Im sorry we are women and need you to do more then lay there like a dead starfish.
Post # 4
Yeah you definitely need to talk to him about what your sexual needs and desires are. My guy did the “dead starfish” thing a few times a while back, and I initiated a conversation with him about how that just wasn’t working, and its been fine ever since. How often do you guys communicate about your sex life? Are you comfortable telling him what you like and don’t like?
Also, I wouldn’t take the issue with his penis going soft to personally, in that one occassion. He did admit that he wasn’t really feeling well. You can’t expect your partner to always be up for hot steamy sex, just because you’re horny at the moment. Its sweet that he tried to appease you, but maybe he just wasn’t in the mood.
Post # 5
WOw, reading this makes me REALLY apreciate my BF. He is always more interested in my enjoyment than his own (as we know he will always have his O). I have been with guys like this and it is verry hard to handle (no pun intended). You will deffinately need to talk to him about how all this makes you feel, and how things are effecting your love life together. Sorry, much hugs and prayers it all works out.
Post # 6
Gamer/life balance is a hard thing to acheive, but it’s something that he is going to HAVE to learn if he’s not going to be a bachelor forever.
You’re going to need to set time aside and sit his butt down (Don’t do it after a lousey sex attempt, or nag him away from a raid or any other emotionally charges situations) and talk to him about the fact that you feel he is neglecting you emotionally and sexually, and that you are feeling jealous of the amount of time and effort he is spending with an inanimate game. He may not know. He also may think that morning wood is totally sexy and enticing, because that’s a message porn sends. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.
Also, what sort of gameplay does he engage in? It’s relevant because people being drawn to put unhealthy amounts of time into games are doing it because there is a need being fulfilled by gameplay that they are not getting met in real life. He may be PVPing because he feels powerless, grinding reputation and collecting items because he needs clearly defined accomplishments and goals, raiding because he misses feeling like good is being acheived through collaborative effort, tanking because he wants to feel like others are reliant on him, there’s something there, and understanding how he plays and what he enjoys about it is going to be crucial to finding a healthy balance.
I do reccomend the book “Reality is Broken” by Jane McGonigal for excellent insight into what makes games so appealing to people. To non gamers, it seems like a giant worthless time suck, but there is some kind of emotional need being met by the game for him to be dedicating that level of focus to it.
Post # 7
@Purplefurrydice: You really need to talk to him about this because it is very unhealthy for him to not be giving any effort. If he makes excuses or doesn’t feel like he has a problem then I would suggest counseling. My heart goes out to you because my DH and I have been through online gaming addiction. It was a hard road and it took him a long time to see what he was doing wrong and it took me a while to admit my own faults as well.
HUGS and Prayers heading your way!
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Yep, Sex Talk time. My FI and I are *always* talking about it, for various reasons. It makes things so much easier when we’re not both trying to READ each other. Most of the time we mis-read, lol. So talking just makes it simple. Granted, it’s not like the early days when we just did it all the time, ha ha. But I suppose this is where the actual intimacy comes in.
Post # 9
*hugs* That sounds like a tough situation. It seems like his mind is elsewhere and not with you and pleasing you. Seems like he needs to get his priorities straight. He def shouldn’t be looking at porn without you around. Trying to hide it is a flag in my book. If he can put effort into his games and “online friends that are girls” and not into you, then you guys need to sit down and see where to go and your frustrations. Communication is very big in a realtionship and it helps couples become much closer. You guys needs to rekindle what you had. Seems like games/online porn are taking over his way of thinking and the way he treats a lady! Good luck hun. Keep us posted xoxo
Post # 10
@Purplefurrydice: My FH used to be the poking type, he did all sorts of variations of it. At first I found it funny and cute, after a while it just got annoying and I told him. Things are no longer funny/cute when you do it ALL THE TIME. We go through phases where sometimes things are great, other times they’re not. FH is usually in the mood, but when he’s not he’s REALLY not and there’s nothing gonna get him there.
I had to laugh at the starfish reference. FH and I have used that term in the past when one of us is tired/not feeling well, we’ll joke that if you want to, I’ll lie here and be a starfish and you can do what you want with me.
I think you need to have an honest, focused (key word) discussion with him outside the bedroom away from electronics about your sex life and see what he says.
Post # 11
Thanks for all your kind comments everyone. I will see what happens over the next few days and try to plan something nice for the weekend (to tear him away from his laptop).