Post # 1
Ok, regular poster going anon. Mostly because I don’t like airing my dirty laundry, but I really just have to get this out before I freaking lose it.
My bridesmaids have been secretly planning a shower for me. How sweet and incredibly thoughtful! The only reason I know about it is because I needed to keep a certain Sunday in May open. Four of my bridesmaids have been so thoughtful and helpful, but the fifth one has really neglected to do anything. She hasn’t responded to any of the e-mails the other BMs have sent regarding anything and has pretty much not involved herself with anything. BM5 is also FI’s younger step sister. This weekend, FMIL asked me “Do you know anything about some shower happening in May?” I said yes, thinking it was weird because I had talked about it in front of her before. She continues: “FSSIL hasn’t been checking her e-mail and now that she just did, she sees something about it. Can you ask (another BM) about the details of this shower and then tell me so I can let FSSIL know?”
NOPE. NOT MY JOB. I AM THE BRIDE.
Look, I’m an easy-going lady. But here are my issues with this:
1.) It is not my responsibility to inform a BM about something that should be a surprise to me. My job is to enjoy whatever they are planning for me. Not to orchestrate it.
2.) FSSIL is an adult and can handle her own responsibilities. She does not need me to be the liaison between her and the other bridesmaids. If she can’t talk to them right now, it’s going to be a long few months if all communication has to go through me.
3.) People should not be rewarded for not fulfilling their basic responsibilities. I don’t consider planning a shower a basic responsibility of a BM (it’s an awful sweet gesture!), but I DO consider responding to e-mails and being marginally present a pretty rudimentary task. I shouldn’t have to cater to her to make sure she is performing basic tasks.
Sorry if this all sounds catty and bitchy, but I can’t talk about this with anyone. And the internet seems like a good place to blow off steam. How do I proceed?
Post # 3
@thisclosetobeingabridezilla: What an idiot. You’re probably a much better person than I am, but I would be attempted to tell your FMIL that responding to the email would probably be a good place to start getting some info.
I feel like ‘hasn’t been checking email’ in this day and technological age is a very poor excuse.
On the up side, you have 4 wonderful ladies throwing you what will probably be a wonderful shower!
Post # 4
I really think there’s one in every group! I think all you can do is laugh it off, and then go on with your day. I completely, 100% agree with your reasonings for not wanting to intervene and start managing one of your bridesmaids b/c she can’t do it herself.
If need be, I would just say to the FMIL, “The girls have told me that they want certain things to be a surprise and they want to plan it themselves. So in essence, I don’t really know anything but the date. However, I think they communicate between all the bridesmaids regularly with email, so FSIL may want to check it often.” If she still pushes, tell her she can contact MOH personally if she wants.
Post # 5
I totally agree with you! I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. You have enough on your plate without having to hold FSSIL’s hand.
Personally, I would tell FSSIL (or FMIL to tell FSSIL) to read her e-mail, not just “see something about it”. Then, if she still has questions, reply to the e-mail and ask the other BMs. Not hard.
Post # 6
Uh…why was her first thought not to REPLY to the email? DERR.
No offense to you FI, but sounds like this girl ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, if you know what I mean.
Post # 7
MadTownGirl’s wording is perfect to say to your FMIL. Your BM is being ridiculous!
Post # 8
Thanks for the support.
@pharmy: It’s not that she’s dense, it’s that she has gotten special treatment for most of her life and I guess she just expects it to continue. FMIL treats her in a special way because FI’s stepdad and ex-wife went through an awful divorce and FMIL really stepped up as her mother figure. But still.
Post # 9
I guess your FSSIL is incapable of reading the email? Or replying and asking herself? Jeeeeez. It’s supposed to be a surprise shower!
Post # 10
Why can’t she just reply to the email to get the details?
Post # 11
@Ballet513: good question. NO IDEA.
Post # 12
@thisclosetobeingabridezilla: I’d tell FMIL that FSSIL will need to reply to her email as the shower is a surprise. If FMIL persists and says, “Well, can’t you just (find out secretly, give me BM1-4’s phone number, enter stupid request here)?” and then you say, “No.” Also, in giving FMIL this clue, I wouldn’t make it a separate call, I wouldn’t make it a separate visit — in other words, I wouldn’t go out of my way to answer her/FSSIL on this. If you happen to be talking about other things, use that moment to say, “Oh, by the way, I’ve been SO BUSY PLANNING FOR MY OWN WEDDING that I haven’t had a chance to get back to you on WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD DO/HOW YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD REPLY TO THE EMAIL THAT WAS SENT TO HER WEEKS AGO. Gee, I think she should just reply to the email!” 😉 Good luck.
Post # 13
HA i don’t think this is bitchy or catty, I think she’s being totaly irresponsible and immature. I’d do exactly what you said and be like no sorry she can read the emails and respond. This is a surprise for me and I’d like to keep it that way.