Post # 1
I’ve been struggling with whether or not to have a bridal party that was more than just my Maid/Matron of Honor due to the fact that my friends are all scattered geographically and beginning their careers (aka we are all young, lovely, and broke).
Well, this week I decided to bite the bullet and ask 4 of my girl friends who I love dearly to be BMs or “non-BMs” – totally their choice. One girl responded wanting to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and another said she’d rather be a non-BM due to financial matters.
The non-BM is a friend that I see probably 4-6 times a week and I know for a fact she’s going on a paid internship this year (and not a measly paid internship either – it’s a very good salary). I’ve seen her spend $100 for a baby shower gift, but she can’t afford to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man when she’s been given a year’s notice?
And I know, logically I have no right to be upset or disappointed or to question it and if there will be financial issues that would prevent it it’s better she decline now, but emotional me can’t help but be hurt. And now I’m kicking myself for asking period and getting my feelings hurt when I know I’m being totally illogical.
Anyone else deal with a good friend turning down being a BM? How did you deal? I know I’ll be fine, I just need a little time to process it…
EDIT: There’s a poll on if you’re ever jealous of other brides…right now I’m totally jealous of brides that can afford to pay for their BMs
Post # 3
I don’t think you can judge her financial situation. You don’t know all her bills or the exact details of her salary I’m sure. And it would probably be a lot more than $100 to be a bridesmaid, even with a year in advance she just might not be able to make it work financially. It sucks, and it’s okay to be a little upset, but I guess you just have to be understanding of her situation and move on.
Post # 4
I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man have to bail early on. It ended up being something that I really appreciated. She’s still be helpful throughout, more so than 2 of my BM’s. Its just that she’s started a job, just bought a house, she just knew her limits and came to me honestly. I wasn’t even too disppointed because I could appreciate her struggle. You’ll feel better about it eventually, definitely don’t let it effect your friendship. I am jealous too though, of the brides who have BM’s and MOH’s that aren’t a pain in the butt.
Post # 5
Thanks you two…I know I can’t judge and I know I’m being illogical, I’m just having one of those moments, you know?
But I actually do know her exact salary (we’re in the same graduate program, so the salaries for internships are pretty well advertised) but a girl’s gotta pay her bills and prioritize and I’m sure it will be a blessing in the long run on both her end and mine. I just wanted to vent to the Bee a little bit.
This may be my first illogical bride moment – an odd feeling lol. Thank you for listening though – having an understand ear/internet site always seems to help taking things a little easier in regards to the wedding stuff.
Post # 6
Are you having a destination wedding? I’m only playing devil’s advocate here and ONLY because I MIGHT have to turn down being a Bridesmaid or Best Man for my sister for financial reasons. $100 for a baby shower is not really that expensive when you stack it up against the cost of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, possible travel expenses, cost of a dress (those Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses are NOT cheap), cost of a shower gift, cost of a wedding gift, and all of the other expenses that are involved with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I’m sorry you’re feeling disappointed, I understand that it’s VERY disappointing I think what you said about needing time to process it it important and once the sadness goes away you’ll be happier that she was smart enough to say no in the first place (think of how many scary Bridesmaid or Best Man stories there are here of BM’s backing out after they’ve said yes).
Have you thought about having the BM’s wear dresses they already have or buying something really cheap from David’s or someplace like that? One of my really good friends just had her girls wear a simple black dress, either something they already owned or something they could buy but just black that way everyone wore the same color, it looked great. I’m having a different color for each of my girls and they can just go out and pick whatever they’d like. It’s just too expensive otherwise. Make sure she’s aware of what your intentions are as far as how expensive the dress will be etc. maybe that will sway her? Good luck and don’t feel to bad, she cares enough to be honest with you and know her own limits, there are a lot of people who don’t do that.
Post # 7
I think it’s a GOOD thing that she declined if she doesn’t think she can commit financially. It’s better than her flaking out later on (and you having to find someone else or drop a groomsman to keep numbers even).
Also if she’s starting an internship she may not have the time to commit to helping you as you’d expect a bridesmaid to. An intership is a big step in getting your foot in the door with a company so it’s probably important to her to do a good job regardless of pay.
Post # 8
I think you’ll be glad in the end that she knew her financial limitations. There are so many brides on here complaining about their BMs refusing to pay for things. If you two are that close then she will still be at your shower/bachelorette/wedding she just won’t be standing up their with you.
Post # 9
Is there some way she can still emotionally support you or for you to honor her? What about having her do a reading? Or what about giving her a special task (designing the invites or something).
Post # 10
yeah i know it hurts, but you are better off knowing now that she cant afford it. being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is way more than just getting a gift and showing up. when it comes down to it on average i spend over $2K on most of my weddings that i have been Bridesmaid or Best Man in, so dont judge her for declining for financial reasons.
like it was said before, you dont know her financial situation. you gave the option of doing Bridesmaid or Best Man or non-BM so allow her to be able to help in whatever way she can, or whatever is put on her heart.
dont let it ruin a friendship!!! 🙂
Post # 11
that is a bummer, but i have to say, she probably is just trying to be responsible. perhaps ask if she wants to be involved in some other way?
Post # 12
It’s certainly a good thing that she let you know this now…otherwise you might be posting on here in a few months that she stiffed you on the dress or something. She did the right thing.
Post # 13
I’m 2 months away and I just had a Bridesmaid or Best Man tell me she could care less if she was in my wedding or not! You better believe I was pissed.
Post # 14
I really don’t think you can be upset about this in regards to her reason why she doesn’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. You shouldn’t judge her financial situation. Yes it may be a decent paid internship, but she is probably working on saving for after the internship in case she doesn’t get a job. Internships don’t last forever…. Be upset she can’t be there, but don’t be upset AT her because she’s trying to be financially responsible.
Post # 15
Do you care what your BMs wear in the wedding? Maybe if you tell them to go out and pick any dress they want in a certain color, and wear shoes they already have, etc., she could afford to be in the wedding. I mean, I’m also assuming she plans on attending the wedding since she’s a good friend, so travel expenses wouldn’t really matter in the end, anyway. Just don’t expect much financially from your girls, and I think you could make it work. My girls all wore shoes they already had (or got them at Target for $25), and they picked out their own dresses. The dresses were $200 with tax and shipping, but that was their choice! They could have purchased an off-the-rack dress somewhere else.
Post # 16
I had a good friend of mine decline to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (or in my case, a bride’s attendant since he was a guy). I am paying all the costs, so he wouldn’t have been out financially and I have my sudo-brother standing on my side, so he wouldn’t have been the only guy. He still declined. I was sad for about a week and then asked someone else. I still invited him, but I haven’t got back an RSVP yet so I think he’s going to totally bail. It is sad because we used to be roommates with a few other people and talk all the time. :-/