- 6 years ago
So I’m not engaged. In fact we’ve kind of pushed the ‘reset’ button on the whole waiting game.
Everything was coming to a head: I was feeling distant from him becasue of all the waiting. Hearing about couples where the girl was suprised with a proposal made me angry, jealous even. Why did their man love them so much that they couldn’t wait to marry them? Why wasn’t my man in love with me that way? He was feeling pressured, and I was feeling distant. We were not connecting anymore. Why were we together again? Were we in love? I started to have a crush on another boy. I posted about it. I thought it was odd that this was happening after he told me that He was going to do it before April, and that he had the ring.
I began to question my love for him. Why? Becasue the things that were important to me on a deep emotional level didn’t seem to concern him: Things like living together before marriage, my relationship with God, being constantly pushed around by his family and him allowing it; I no longer felt ready. I told him one day that we needed a break. I wasn’t sure I loved him anymore. I was scared that the animosity from “not being good enough”. I waited, understood, sacrificed, waited some more, took more punishment and let things slide in hopes of “being good enough” I didn’t want things to be like this. No. This wasn’t how I was starting a marraige.
We cried. He said he learned what he would lose and begged me to stay. I stayed becasue he begged me. A day later I realized that this wasn’t right. I can’t be emotionaly blackmailed into staying. I left again.
I did some soul searching and praying, even went on a group date. It was then that everything felt wrong. Off. I had an empty feeling inside me. I was missing my other half. I loved him and I could forgive him. I just needed time on my own to realize it.
We talked. He felt betrayed becasue I had left a second time. I wasn’t going to come into a relationship that was going to be built on angry feelings. I gave him space. He showed up at my work a few days later saying he couldn’t live without me. We cried. And we started over.
He appolozied for everything- and I did too- He said he never ment to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. He said when I felt the 2nd time he was sitting arround thinking that this must have been how I felt and he hated himself for making me feel that way. He appolozied for not understanding my personal religous beliefs and not respecting them, and for not sticking up for me when it came to his family. I appologized for the pressure-if I didnt want to live together before marriage, be so far from my church or quit my old job (becasue it was ‘more money’) I should have voiced those feeling loudly. Rolling over and just saying “ok” without telling your true feelings was the breeding groud for all those feelings.
He told me that he wasn’t going to be a 30 year old bachlor and that was good enough for me. We started over. I will trust that it will happen and we will just work on us. We are in couple’s counciling and are having special dare nights.
Oddly enough on V-Day, he gave me a ring. He said that he was planning on proposing a few days before all the drama started. He bought 2 rings- the one he gave me on V-day was a ‘just in case I didn’t like what he picked’ ring. I laughed.
He asked me if i was upset that I didn’t get my proposal. No Way- becasue OUR proposal will mean so much more when it happens. It will be when we are ready, and I’ll remember everything we have been though and it will be so worth all of it
my vday ring:
<3 you bees