Got a save the date, but received no invitation…

posted 5 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Woah! Super rude of them. I think I would not want to continue to put effort into a friendship like this either. 

Post # 3
Member
2761 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would definitely be pissed, I think you pretty certainly got uninvited. I’d be just petty enough to wait till he booked his trip and then say “oh didn’t you get my email asking you to confirm you were staying with us? As I didn’t receive a reply I offered our guest room to someone else so you won’t be able to stay here.” Suck it.

Or I’d fantasize about doing that, while preparing the guest room for them, because I’m non-confrontational with everyone except my husband.

Post # 4
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

#1 – Were we just uninvited?  

Sounds like it? Maybe? If that is indeed the case, that is super rude of him.

#2 – I received a save the date, should I not have expected a guaranteed invitation?

Yes. People who receive Save the Dates are assumed to be invited to the wedding!

#3 – When he called me, he emphasized that we haven’t been in touch in awhile.  Again – an emphasis on the fact that we are no longer close?

I’ve had friends that I haven’t been closely in touch with still invite me to their weddings, and vice versa. Maybe he was trying to use that as a cop-out and being super rude for not actually inviting you to his wedding after sending a save the date?

#4 – Is it wrong of me to want to cut all ties from hence forth?  

Nope, you can do whatever you want and associate with whomever you want to!

#5 – He just invited himself and his bride to visit us after the wedding and I half-heartedly said that would be nice.  I don’t think it would be.  I really wanted to just say, “I don’t think so. It’s clear that we’re not that important and you’re just a freeloader who wants a place to stay.” (we live in a desireable city to visit).  Should I have just told him then and there exactly my thought?

I am not confrontational so I wouldn’t have told him exactly what you said above 😉 But I think it’s totally within reason to not host him and his wife if they are visiting your city. I’d decline if he asks about it again – he doesn’t need any reasoning if you don’t want to give it, and if you do, I wouldn’t blame you.

 

Post # 5
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Your situation is so frustrating! It would actually have been way more respectful of your friend to be honest with you…or even if they were vage, and say that they had a change of plans so not everyone got invited. It would be helpful if they’d taken some firmer ownership. 

Personally, I would not put energy in to pursuing a friendship that I didn’t feel valued me equally. A true friend would know your intentions, despite that you live far away, have a family, and a life. You were more than willing to support them on such a huge day! However, I’m extremely hard on people, and the generous loving answer would be to give your friend another chance and talk it out.

Hopefully he and his wife were making a generalized plan to visit you so they didn’t feel as bad about the “invitation getting lost”. 😉 

Ultimately, give it some time so nothing is spoken out of hurt feelings or anger. If you think having a conversation is going to help repair the friendship, it’s worth a shot. It’s not wrong to stand up for yourself, and go with your gut.

 

Post # 6
Member
2237 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

#1 – It does sound like you were uninvited. Lots of couples get way too excited in the beginning and send STDs to absolutely everyone, then later realise that they cannot possibly afford to host that many people and are forced to scale back (which leads to situations like this one). This is why it’s important that you set your guestlist and your budget before you do anything.

#2 – Yes, when you receive a STD you are completely within reason to expect an invitation (why else would they want you to save the date!?).

#3 – He was likely feeling guilty that they had cut you from their guestlist, so was trying to make himself feel better by emphasising that you haven’t been in regular contact. It doesn’t make it right, it just is what it is.

#4 – Honestly, whether you cut ties or not is completely up to you. If I had a friend whose wedding I thought I would be invited to and then wasn’t, I would be pretty hurt by this and would probably put less work into maintaining the friendship. If you feel the friendship has run its course, don’t put any effort it contacting him again (although I would probably respond if he contacted me, as I’d feel rude if I completely ignored it – again, very little effort though).

#5 – I think we rarely say what we’d like to in these situations, so I probably would have responded the same as you. If he get in touch with you about coming to stay, I’d just say that that weekend doesn’t work for me so sorry but they’ll have to find somewhere else. If he asks what weekend does suit you, I’d say that with the kids life is pretty crazy at the moment so you don’t really have the time to be hosting anyone at your home. Can’t really argue with that (although PP is 100% right that he doesn’t need a reason, but sometimes giving one can make them realise it’s best to stop asking).

Post # 7
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

This happened to me and my family, the groome was a long time childhood friend, parents are family friends we got a save the date and then no invitation. The bride was a year older than me went to my high school, we spoke maybe once.. she proceeded to facebook friend me, remove me, refriend me remove me… we then realised for whatever reason she decided to univite most of his close family/child hood friends due to either her mother or her, yet she had extended, extended family there. 

Its her wedding, she can do what she wants so it wasnt too much of a big deal to me, but I can’t say I’ve been overly chatty with her and gatherings simply because its not just the lack of wedding invitation its her general behaviour towards myself and my family. 

Post # 8
Member
7723 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How inconsiderate of him. It sounds like you guys grew apart. Hopefully, he was saying they were going to visit just to be polite but with no true intentions. If he really does pursue a visit with you, I would say you’re busy and turn him down. If he really wanted to spend time with you, he’d find a way to include you as a guest at his wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

I don’t blame you for wanting to cut ties – whether it was budgetary or just him deciding you weren’t close enough to attend, it shows you where you are on his priority list. Inviting himself (after effectively disinviting you) is just obnoxious and I definitely do not think you should host them. In your position I’d either a) make up as flimsy a lie as he did if he decides to bring up his visit again (“oh sorry, we are out of town that weekend…and every weekend for the forseeable future”) or 2) just ghost.

If he can’t spare the $100 (or whatever) per person to host you, he certainly doesn’t get to save the $200 (or whatever) hotel costs by crashing with you!

P.S. I did send a S.T.D. to one friend that I ended up not sending an invitation to. IN MY DEFENSE, I asked this guy for his mailing address countless times (he lived in a different country but visited very frequently).  I emailed him, I sent him chat messages but he never responded and eventually I gave up  and crossed him off the guest list. The day before my wedding his wife texted me (I barely knew her and I assume he gave her my number) to say “hi, this is X, Y’s wife. Just heard you are getting married. Congrats!”.  I rolled my eyes and just responded with a thank you message.  They had apparently recently gotten into town and heard my wedding was coming up and I guess thought they could be a last minute addition?  Yeah, no.

Post # 10
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

So rude of them. As for them coming to see you after the wedding, say ‘let me know when you get to town and we’ll try meet you for lunch or have you over for coffee or something…’ 

Post # 10
Member
961 posts
Busy bee

jennmariee :  this response for sure. But I am totally petty. Sometimes it just feels good. 

Post # 11
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Oh hell no!!! The same exact thing happened to me. Just cut your losses. That to me is rude and unacceptable. The girl who did that to me was my friend since middle school and once she started dating her idiot husband, she changed. Except mine was worse, because he worked with me so they didn’t even have the courtesy to mail my save the date, he just plopped it on my desk when I went to the bathroom. Some people are just plain rude and don’t care. 

Post # 12
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

When I read your post I got angry for you…

That was mean and rude of the couple. Outside of the poor etiquette, what if you had spent money already on travel plans? 

When they reached out to me for the visit, I would let them know you are uncertain about the visit because of the uninvite. See how they try to explain it. Only a very real heartfelt apology would work for me.  

Post # 13
Member
572 posts
Busy bee

So basically, you’re convinced that he’s lying right to your face/ear, are making up a ton of assumptions about his reasons, and are ready to completely sever all ties with him. I mean, why is he even your friend? You clearly don’t think much of him. Either you’re right about everything, and he sucks, or he’s telling the truth but for some reason you don’t want to hear it. I guess either way it’s not much of a friendship!

Post # 14
Member
563 posts
Busy bee

Yeah thats rude, it would have been way less hurtful to just not to be invited from the beginning. If it helps, I doubt he is really planning to visit you and probably just said that to seem friendly. So don’t worry that you’ll have to host them. If they do want to visit, politely make an excuse and decline, but I’m betting you won’t hear from them again. 

Leave a comment


Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors