(Closed) got a timeline…sort of.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Maybe he has got plans in place?

 He answered you, and wants to be with you, so try not to worry. The way he acted seems to me like he’s already been planning on buying the ring and proposing. I know it sucks to wait (I am too) but it seems like your guy has got the idea for now. Even if you still have a bit of a wait, at least you somewhat know where your bf stands, and you know for sure he knows how you feel. Fingers crossed for you that he acts sooner rather than later.

Post # 4
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh hon I’m sorry! I went through a similar emotional rollercoaster after my last (and actually serious) talk with my BF about marriage.

Please try not to take it personally. Don’t worry about what to “do or say”, that’s exhausting.  Be true to you. The funny thing is that while some guys have an excellent memory, once a discussion is over they rarely dwell on it. He may just continue as things have always been.  Which, unfortunately, isn’t exactly working for you.

I would suggest *feeling what you’re feeling right now*…confused, doubtful, feeling weird becuase you think you may have been pushy…whatever it is or however ugly it feels, just feel it. Get it out, talk it out here and with girlfriends, journal, take bubble baths, whatever works for you.

I know you’re living together from a previous post, and it seems like it’s really eating at you to not be engaged at this point. How much longer are you willing to wait?

Take some time and reflect, and in a few days, if you still feel like you may have been innapropriately pushy….. (and BTW, depending on your guy and whether or not he’s a procrastinator, if you don’t push, who will? Just food for thought) you can clean it up with your BF.  Once you calm down. Something like this this could put your mind at ease: I’m sorry if I was pushy the other day. I love you and I’ve thought for a long time that we have a future together, but if that’s something you’re not ready for I don’t want to have to push someone into marriage.  I just can’t have these conversations about kids right now, it’s too painful for me to talk about our future now that it seems you’re not as excited about being married as I am.

And if he brings up marriage/kids/etc  in the future just don’t take the bait. You can start saying “that would be appropriate to discuss once we’re engaged”…..or even sassier, give him a wink and say “you better not tease me with that unless you’ve got a ring to put on my finger”. Don’t lose your sense of humor.

And I read this somewhere: once you ask him where you stand/where it’s going, you’re unconsciously letting him know that the parameters of the relationship are HIS to dictate. HE decides where this is going. Really? It’s 2010, so let me rant for a moment: this is a partnership. If this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to talk about anything. Without blaming, or “nagging”.  If he’s a good guy, and truly your partner, he’ll want to know how you feel and how to make you happy.

Just my 2 cents.  My heart goes out to you, I had one of these tough talks recently and it was a rough couple of days after that.  I’m not engaged yet so I’m far from the authority on the subject, just trying to help if I can.  And I’ll let you know it 2-4 months (his timeframe, haha) if talking about it truly helped. For one thing, it helps me feel like if we’re really not on the same page, at least I’ve given him a chance and if he still isn’t sure I can leave with a clear conscience. You’ve gotta give them a chance to propose.

 

Post # 5
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry but I think that’s kind of unfair to your boyfriend to put him on the spot like that. If he wants to marry you, he will propose when he feels that the time is right. When he does propose its just going to feel like he did it because you bugged him too. My suggestion is to possibly tell him where you see yourself in the next year or two and give him an accurate timeline of your expectations. I think that’s a less pushy way of getting the same point across.

I only say this because I have A LOT of guy friends. A couple of them had their girlfriends start bugging them about a proposal. When I asked them what they were going to do, one said, “I guess I HAVE to propose or else she’s going to leave” and the other, “Do I have a choice”. In my opinion I’d rather be single than have my fiancee say things like that about me.

Just food for though hun, its a touchy situation and I’m sure all you want is to be with him forever. 

Post # 7
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Megin, I totally get what you are experiencing. I had a difficult conversation recently that ended up much the same way–him being annoyed and maybe less than empathic about how hard this is. I have come to the realization that guys really just do not think about these things like we do. When they say they want to get married to you, they’re not thinking next year, or in two years. They’re thinking more like “someday,” “when the timing is right,” “when the finances are all in order,” “when Jupiter is in retrograde,” blah blah blah. Timelines mean nothing to them, because they really have all the time in the world to make these kinds of decisions. Which is great–for them. When you are in a partnership, you have to consider others, which sometimes means compromise. I really think that most of us would have loved to be engaged a year ago, so really, we’ve already compromised some. So in essence, we’ve already pushed our timelines back again and again. Would it really kill them to move  up their timelines just a little bit too?

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