Post # 1
Let me start off by saying this isn’t my only recent problem with DH. My previous thread about how he spends 4-5 nights a week with his friends can be found here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-just-want-to-spend-more-time-with-my-husband#axzz2a0zvfyD6
We eventually got through the fighting and discussed it more and agreed that he would limit it to 2 nights during the week and then if I was feeling up to it we would go out as a couple as well. I don’t want to get too much into that topic though as something else came up tonight.
I’ve never been bullied before (at least not to my face) so this is just confusing to me. Tonight I got home from work and noticed that he seemed to be in a bad mood. After an hour I asked him what was wrong and he just told me he was in a bad mood and mad but didn’t know why. I just let it go because he doesn’t usually like talking when he’s in a bad mood.
I decided to make some cookies for our weekend guest and was just walking around picking things up while they were in the oven when he suddenly bursts out “Why do you pin your hair back like that?” I pin my bangs back after I shower and when I sleep because I have a colic right at the front of my hair that doesn’t dry properly unless it dries while its pinned back. I explained this to him (again because he has asked this before) and he told me that he hated the way it looks. I told him I don’t wear it out, I just wear it around the house while my hair is drying so I didn’t see a problem. He told me that he thought I looked ugly and that I am unattractive when I wear my hair like this. I mean… it doesn’t look great but to call me ugly and unattractive?
I kept my cool because I knew this was probably stemming from his bad mood but I let him know that it upset me that he would say that and told me it made me feel pretty bad about myself. He told me to “stop being hysterical” and when I told him I wasn’t he told me to “stop being a bitch then.”
I asked him to apologize for calling me a name and he told me to leave him alone so I’m now sitting in our bedroom trying to figure out what went wrong. We’ve only been married for about 1.5 months and I’m already considering a separation (for a couple of different reasons). Right now I just feel numb. Usually I’m running around trying to fix our fights and can’t even think about sleeping or anything else but right now I just don’t care anymore.
Am I wrong to get upset about him telling me I look ugly or unattractive? I get home from a 10 hour day, work out and shower. I’m not going to get dressed up again if I’m not leaving the house. Should I? Should I be trying harder to be more attractive? This isn’t the first time he’s made a comment about something I wear/do being unattractive so my self confidence is really starting to go down.
Post # 3
Can you get an annulment? Some things aren’t worth saving.
Post # 4
Wow…no, you aren’t doing anything wrong. He’s projecting something on to you and he should nip it fast! My feelings would be extremely hurt if my FI said I was ugly….I’m sorry 🙁
Post # 5
What a douche. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it is totally unacceptable.
Post # 6
@likewoah: No, I don’t believe the church we were married in does annulments.
@seabunny: I feel like he keeps tearing me down and it’s getting harder and harder to bounce back :/ He told me I shouldn’t be offended because he was just telling me how he feels. I have never looked at him and thought he was ugly. Maybe he wasn’t looking his best but I’ve never thought he was ugly! And even if I did… I wouldn’t tell him (unless it was because he had food on his face or something).
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Wow, that is really not cool. He should think you look gorgeous no matter what – and if not, he should damn well keep his mouth shut.
how long were you together before you got married? Has he always treated you like this?
Post # 8
@lolot: We were together for 3.5 years. Living together for 1 year. He’s made comments about my clothes before- he doesn’t like it when I wear baggy t-shirts out of the house (even just grocery shopping) and will point out all the women wearing “girly” shirts. I feel stupid now because I feel like that should have been a warning sign.
Post # 9
get an anulment, once the ugly comments come out its down hill- my ex husband did that alot and it got worse when i got pregnant the first time- 195 pounds on 5ft 5 frame is not great but hey i just had a good size baby. when i got pregnant again i made my self loose the weight as soon as my son was born= really unhealthy 110 pounds doctors were worried big time bout me post partum. he was still saying i was ugly ect. if you have a chance to save yourself from YEARS of abuse i would in a heart beat.( took me 6.5 years of toxic abuse to realise i deserve much more)
Post # 10
You have EVERY right to be upset at him – not only for calling you ugly, but also calling you a bitch! That is NOT okay, in any way! Sounds like something is seriously wrong with him and he’s just choosing to pick on you instead of discuss it.
Post # 11
What an asshole. That’s abusive language.
Post # 12
I don’t remember if you mentioned in the other thread if you were going to couples counseling or not, but please please go! There’s clearly something going on – upon first thought, he may be really resentful that you’re limiting his time with his friends. Not that you were in the wrong – he was being unreasonable, but he may be feeling that way. I think you really need an outside party to help.
But if that doesn’t help and he’s not willing to work with you then a separation isn’t a bad idea. He’s being a complete asshole, and you’re 100% correct for not tolerating his behavior. I mean really, you shouldn’t be offended at an insult because he’s being honest? Eff that. Blatantly insult him to his face and say he shouldn’t be offended and see how he feels.
Post # 13
@asianyoushi: I haven’t had personal experience with this but that’s kind of my thoughts. Flat out calling someone ugly & then a bitch is a HUGE red flag
OP, if he doesn’t even realize or acknowledge he’s done something wrong…I’d be counting his strikes. I didn’t read the post you posted before but this would be a huge strike. The biggest problem would be him seeing nothing wrong with his behavior. I think I’d be inching towards the door here.
Post # 14
@MrsBeck: hes tearing you down so you’ll feel as crappy as he feels about himself. this may not be about you, but no matter what he’s supposed to have your back. Is there something in his life that’s changed to make him so angry?
Post # 15
While a wife should always try to look attractive to her husband (and vice versa)….that is in no way an excuse for this type of behavior! He should be ashamed of himself. If my husband ever called me ugly and unattractive I’d be sleeping somewhere else for the night until I decided whether we were going to be seeing a marriage counselor. On top of that, I made it clear to my husband at the beginning of the relationship (don’t even remember in what context) in no uncertain terms that he was never to call me a bitch no matter what. I think it’s demeaning because of the word itself, and on top of that once you’ve reached a point of name calling the respect is gone. I think you need to consider if this marriage is worth saving and get yourselves to a counselor ASAP if you decide that it is.
Post # 16
No husband should ever, ever tell you that you are ugly, unattractive, etc. Ever. He should think that you are beautiful always, whether dressed up or naked or wearing rags. Hair pinned back, hair let down or hair all crazy.
Sorry, it just made me so angry for you!