Post # 1
So, FI and I had to cap our guest list at our first cousins. It’s not a big deal on my side since my cousins are all under 30, but on FI’s side almost all of them are married and have little kids, who we can’t invite due to space constraints. To be clear, this is not a child-free wedding: we both have several first cousins under 15, and our niece will also be there.
Anyway, FI told me a few weeks ago that one of his cousins messaged him on Facebook and asked if her kids were invited. I asked him to reply that unfortunately, no, they weren’t. Well, he didn’t. So today, I got a e-mail from her asking the same question and saying that if the kids weren’t invited, they couldn’t come. That’s all fine, she didn’t sound angry, but here’s the awkward part: she said something along the lines of: “I heard through the grapevine that kids weren’t invited.” As in all kids. Which isn’t true. I’m just worried that after the fact she may hear that there were kids there and think the rule was specific to her. So here’s what I replied with:
I’m so sorry FI didn’t respond, he did tell me he heard from you and I asked him to e-mail you back but he’s been very busy with (out of town job). Unfortunately, due to space contraints, we’re unable to invite our cousins’ kids, and although we would love for everyone to be able to attend, we understand that this may make that impossible. We’ll miss you!
Hope you have a great weekend!
Is this OK? I really hope I don’t get many more of these. Invites went out yesterday. I hate having to say no to people but we just really don’t have the space. How did you deal with having to exclude kids?
Post # 3
@capitalbee: I think your response is perfect. It’s polite and very clear.
We didn’t invite many children either, and that meant that some out of town family was unable to attend. No big deal, we have the right to invite (or not invite) whomever we choose, and those invited have the right to decline if they so choose.
Post # 4
@capitalbee: i am going through the kid battle as well…its so tough! i think your response was perfect. i’m waiting for my first mesage/email – my invites went out tuesday…
Post # 5
I think your response was the right one, and I don’t think his cousin was coming from a spiteful place when she sent the email in the first place. I think some people truly can’t or won’t leave their children for a night, and that is totally up to them. If she does get upset about it there’s not much you can do. As long as you have sent invititations specifically for people to bring their children I don’t see that it will become a problem with people not bringing their children.
Post # 6
I think that was well put. You were clear and to the point and very polite. We didn’t have kids at our wedding except our niece (the flower girl and only member of the wedding “party”) and my 13-year-old cousins because they were traveling from out of state. There are no other kid members of our families except these 3, so that made it super easy. For guests, only one couple had younger children and we just told them it was an adult event since it was an evening wedding on NYE. They had a blast, but left a little earlier than the rest. Totally cool.
Post # 7
You’re fine – ya did good with that reply.
Also: GOOD, maybe she won’t go.
Who wants THAT at their wedding?
Sending an email that (politely) threatens her sending her “regrets” if her kids aren’t allowed to go?? OMG, lady – get a babysitter! There is life outside of your children, they’ll live if you step out for a few hours!!!
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
I think I’d leave out the “we’ll miss you” line just in case they do decide to come, plus I kind of read it with a snarky-ish tone. I don’t think you meant it that way though & otherwise your response sounds very clear, polite, & empathetic.
Post # 9
@stephanie091512: totally agree!
she may still decide to come without kids so I would just omit that last part assuming that’s her final decision.
Post # 10
@capitalbee: Your reply is sweet and enttirely appropriate.
Frankly, I don’t really care for the cousin stating that they can’t/won’t come if their kids aren’t invited. They should have merely asked the question (if the invitation baffled them) and responded accordingly.
Don’t feel bad. You’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel bad about.
Post # 11
Totally get where you guys are coming from. I had a hard time phrasing the fact that we really want them to come without it sounding like I was trying to make her feel guilty. I did already reply and she sent back a very nice note wishing us a wonderful wedding and that she looks forward to seeing pictures. Her invite should arrive sometime next week so they can still answer otherwise, but it’s OOT for them so I don’t think they will.
Thanks so much for the input everyone!!
Post # 12
@Zhabeego: They haven’t received their invitation yet (they went out this week), but we sent STDs in December and they were addressed to the invitees only, ie her and her husband. I don’t think she meant it as a threat at all. Anyway, she replied to my email very nicely so it’s all good now 🙂 we knew when making the guest list that we would grt a fair amount of declines since it’s an OOT wedding and so many of FI’s cousins have kids.
Post # 13
@CakeyP: Wow, that’s a bit harsh IMO. We have no idea where those people live and if they live around family. It’s nearly impossible to get an overnight/multi-night “babysitter.”
Sure, it would have been perhaps a bit more tactful to not mention that they might not be able to attend if the kids weren’t invited but for once this particular instance actually doesn’t sound at all like a threat. Just like she wasn’t sure and wanted to make sure she understood correctly so they could reply accordingly.
OP, I think you did a great job. E-mails like this can be tricky, but it sounds like you both handled it well.
Post # 14
I think your message was totally appropriate.
One thing we did was for people who were coming into town and had to bring kids (our venue couldn’t accomodate them either), we hooked up a few friends who were willing to babysit. One person watched the others’ kids for a night. The parents came to the wedding kid-free, then the kids still came around our house the next day. Worked out pretty well.
But in terms of what you said to the cousin, it sounded great to me.
Post # 15
@capitalbee: I think you handled that pretty well! I see you’re getting married a week after we are in the Capital!!! What venue did you select? And good on you for already having your invites out! We still haven’t sent them, but hoping we have them in our hands early next week to get those shipped out. Hope your planning is coming along nicely
Post # 16
@amRN: Ah thanks! The wedding is actually in Windsor, at my parents’ place, but we live in Ottawa. Where’s your venue?