Post # 1
A friend of my Dad’s – who I’ve met only once or twice years ago – was added my our guest list by my Dad. He mentioned that when thier mutual friend told her of the wedding, she indicated that she’d love to come (kind of rude, yep, but thats neither here nor there). Anyway, I thought no big deal, it’s one of my Dads college friends, and mailed her and her husband an invitation.
The response card I just opened today was marked “no” but she added a note saying “if I can get off work maybe we might make the reception.” might was underlined, as in, probably not.
What the hell? Am I buying you dinner or not? You’re either attending an event or you’re not – no halfsies!
I’m putting her down as a “no” and if they show up and there’s no place for them to sit or food to eat then perhaps they will realize their gaffe.
I mean, she checked no, so I won’t plan on them, but it drives me crazy that someone would basically say no, I won’t make it to the reason for the party, but I might show up afterwards to socialize and eat and drink. Rude, right?
FI and I work together. We are only inviting a select few of our actual friends from work, not just everyone. We never, ever bring it up at work, but one of our mutual managers has been hinting for months that he’d like to come. I always brush it off and ignore his hints. Well, he all but cornered FI the other day and asked if he could come. FI tried explaining that we just can’t invite everyone as we realize that not everyone from our job would all be able to take the afternoon/evening off. Manager responded, oh that’s ok if nothing else I’ll show up later for the reception. FI actually caved and told him “I’ll see what I can do” and got his address and wife’s name! (had a long talk with FI about not doing this again, but that’s a story for another day) anyway, so now do I have to invite this guy? He’s nice enough, but him trying to get the day off interferes with one of our really good friends (actually invited!) who needs the day off. what do I do?
Post # 3
@Snapdragon2804: For your dad’s friend, I would call them a few days before the final numbers need to be turned in to ask if they are coming. If they are still not sure, gently tell them your final numbers are due, money is tight, so you will have to mark them “no”.
For your co-worker, if an invited guest is bumped off because of his rudeness, I would not send him an invite whatsoever. If he asks, tell him that the venue was full and you are sorry.
Post # 4
I would mark your dad’s friend as a no and not give it a second thought. Like you said, if they show up and there’s nowhere for them to sit/nothing for them to eat, they’ll figure it out.
I definitely wouldn’t invite your co-worker. Super rude of him to corner your fiance like that.
Post # 5
For your dad’s friend I would call them the day after RSVP’s are due and get a firm commitment either way.
DH and I work together as well, so that definitely played a role in more people than usual thinking they’d be invited because they know BOTH of us. For him, maybe send him an invite AFTER your friend’s leave request is approved, and have her get on that ASAP, even if it means before the invites go out.
Post # 6
@SapphireSun: The only thing is that the already invited co-worker won’t have official confirmation of having the day of for probably another month. He is first on the “request off” list for his position though, so most likely he would get first chance at being able to come, but it still makes me nervous that the other person would be trying as well. For what it’s worth, FI did explain that our friend was invited already because he’s been a friend for a few years now. Hopefully the other guy realizes it would rude unfair for him to get the day off instead, but then again his social skills do seem a bit lacking.
Post # 7
Ugh! I hate it when people think that a wedding is just a reason to get free food and booze! “Sorry, I can’t make it to the actual ceremony, but I can make it to the party afterwards, even though without the aforementioned ceremony there wouldn’t be a party!”
When people say no, they say maybe, that drives me nuts! Are you coming, or aren’t you? It’s a simple question. Also, if you make a big deal about being invited, then say you can’t come, that is sooo irritating. (okay vented!)
For your dad’s friend: If she put no, then it is no. But, I would call and confirm anyway, and if she still isn’t sure, say that you are sorry but you need to give a final head count.
As for the co-worker: It was very rude of him to corner your FI and put him on the spot like that. Just say there isn’t any more space and that you are sorry.
Post # 8
Yes your dad’s friend was a little out of line. Who basically begs to be invited because they want to come but then don’t ask for the time off in advance and play wishy washy? I would call and confirm the response closer to the wedding.
I have the same dilemma with the work people. I only invited certain people, that I am closest to. When we first got engaged, I told just those people that only they are invited and to not bring it up around the office. I never bring up our wedding at work but will lightly mention things if someone asks. I try to say it’ll be small, hoping that would help tell my other coworkers that no one from work is invited (or so they think). Be careful about adding other coworkers to your list; if someone else finds out, you’ll constantly be adding more people. Hopefully adults are mature enough to not blab through the office about being invited to your wedding (but as I read posts on here regularly, that’s probably not that case).
Post # 9
I agree with some of the things other’s have said.
For your dad’s friend, I would call a couple days before the head count is due and get a final yes or no. For me, it would be nice to think they would get the hint if there’s nowhere for them to sit…but in reality I would be stressing out about it (will they or won’t they show up, if they do, where will they sit…etc).
As for your co-worker…I wouldn’t invite him unless someone else declines and you have the room. It’s rude for him to push the invite when you have people you would rather invite. Don’t cave unless you have the room.
Post # 10
if you don’t want to invite the coworker that cornered your FI, don’t.
I was invited out for drinks with my co-workers when one of them got engaged. i had gone out with them many times before for after work happy hours.
the fiance (who i had met since they started dating) asked me if i was going to come to their wedding if it was in puerto rico. i didn’t know what to say, so replied, “sure, if i am invited.” well the invitation never came.
i was a little disappointed. i would have liked them to say they would have liked to include me but they couldn’t afford the extra guest, etc. needless to say, none of my coworkers are invited to my wedding.
Post # 11
If it really bothers you that much, tell Dad’s friend NO. Tell coworker NO. And move on. Stop hemming and hawing over it and assert yourself.
Personally, I would be THRILLED for someone I invited to try their best to make it to the reception if they definitely couldn’t come to the ceremony…but I guess I’m in the minority there. I’m inviting people that I love b/c I want them to celebrate with me, and if someobdy says “Hey, I have to work til 5, so I can’t make it” I am certainly going to tell them to come on whenever they get off.
Post # 12
Some people have no clue.
Your dad or you should call to clarify the RSVP. I wouldn’t just put them as a No, and then tough luck if they show up and don’t have food. Honestly, although they would be rude to do so I think it’s kind of rude in return (I am SURE others will disagree with me on this and I’m ok with that). I guess something in me just cringes at the thought of someone coming to my reception and not feeding them, even under these circumstances. It should be a pretty easy call to make, just be polite and straightforward.
@JFay: I agree with you on being ok with people only coming to reception if they can’t make the actual wedding because of work, etc. We had a couple of people who had to do this. Their lives didn’t stop for my wedding and I was cool with that and happy that they came to the reception.
Post # 13
@Snapdragon2804: UGH. This is the ugly side of wedding planning, isn’t it?
So for your dad’s friend, I’d have him casually mention “so sorry to hear you can’t make Snapdragon’s wedding!” This will let her know that you are interpreting her response as a firm no. If she tries to backtrack, and your dad is cool with this, he needs to tell her that she has to give a definite yes or no, because you need to to tables and numbers.
As for the manager… just, wow. I do not understand why people think they have any business inviting themselves to a wedding, much less pestering the groom into submission! This guy needs to hear the good ol’ “damn, our venue has a strict limit and we’re really pushing that right now, so I’m not sure we can add any more guests.” Let your FI take the lead on this, since he’s the one who caved. But in all fairness, it’s hard to deal with requests from management that aren’t work-related.
Post # 14
@brendaray2009: yeah, that is exactly what I’m going to do. In fact, I’ll leave it up to my Dad if he wants to call and confirm the “no”. It’s not even a close friend of his anymore, so I doubt he will lose any sleep over it if they don’t make it.
@kcr526: we definitley have ethe room, it’s just an issue of the people we actually intended to invite getting the time off.
@JFay: I’m not hemming or hawing, I’m just venting. Dad’s friend is down as a no. As for my co-worker, yes I’m unsure but I was hoping the answers here would help me decide.
@kimm99: It’s a buffet rather than plated so if they actually did actually show up I’m sure there would be enough and they would get to eat. although guests will be going to the food stations with their tables. I won’t be saving chairs or a spot at a table for them though. I’m sure after dinner though people,will be up and moving around anyway, so I’m not going to worry too much. The guest in question isn’t aware of these details however (buffet instead of plated) so that’s why I was appalled.
@BlondeBee: I agree with you 100%. I bet that’s what my Dad will say. And you’re right, there is extra pressure because he’s a superior at work. While it shouldn’t be so, I feel like I want to stay on his good side. He doesn’t strike me as a spiteful person, yet I can see his feelings being hurt by not ending up with an invitation. Not that my determining factor is his feelings, but you know what I’m saying.
Post # 15
@Snapdragon2804: Of course you’re venting. But you also asked what you should do about the manager…and to me, saying you don’t want to invite someone, then letting them get to you, making you question your decision, is hemming and hawing. Personal opinion.
Post # 16
Your FI committed to getting the manager an invite…that has to be done at this point…
The flaky people who MIGHT attend? Just mark them NO…sounds like they were just being polite.
Have a gorgeous day!