Post # 1
Need advice please, this is my first post. We were engaged in March after being together for 1 1/2 years and currently live together. This will be our second marriage, if we get married. My FI has refused to discuss wedding plans or set a date since we have been engaged. He tells me we don’t need to be in a rush, we’ve been married before. We just need to enjoy the engagment. I’ve tried talking about it so many times, that our last conversation ended in a hurtful ultimatum, that was either quit talking about it or ” we will need to have a broader discussion”. He told me that I was pushing him into it and that’s what his first wife did and he ended up resenting her. I feel like I’m not even engaged, that I just wear a ring for show or something. I thought when you were engaged you were supposed to be excited and shout it from the rooftops and begin to plan. I feel like I’ve been given a ring and then made to feel like I can never speak of it again. I don’t know what to do, do I wait it out or try ans talk about it again? Hurt and confused.
Post # 2
He sounds exactly like my mother- she always avoiding talking about things “we’ll discuss it later” and later never comes GRRRRRRR! So my guess would be he bought the ring to pacify you but he isn’t set on marrying you. He’s having his cake and eating it too. I would sit him down and be like “fine, let’s have a broader discussion!” I would want to know what his timeline is- how many years does he think you should be enjoying this engagement? It is ok to set a wedding date more than a year from now. Are you hoping to have children together, or buying a house together? Tell him you refuse to do that until you’re married. I’d want to have a plan and know where my future is headed.
Post # 3
You are not his first wife nor should you be compared with her. You are quite right to feel the way you do.
Give him the ring back and ask him to give the ring back to you when he has decided he wants to marry you and marry you in the foreseeable future.
Post # 4
No children. And we live in his house that’s paid for. There are no money issues, and I have even said it doesn’t have to be 6 months from now or even a year, but it would be nice to know some time frame… All I get is crickets. Your probably right in saying he gave it to me to pacify me. I know that he loves me and is very good to me but not knowing for sure is driving me crazy.
Post # 5
I would sit down with him and say something along the lines of “I love you and I’m so thrilled you asked me to marry you! I love being engaged to you and I’m very excited for the future we’re going to have together. While I love being engaged right now I do want some sort of timeline, I’m happy to have a long engagement but I do need some sort of idea on when you’d be ready to discuss wedding planning so we don’t keep arguing over bringing it up”. If he gives you a reasonable timeline then don’t bring it up again until then, if he still refuses to give you a timeline then I’d agree with PP’s that he really isn’t ready for marriage and I would give him the ring back.
I myself am having a long engagement and we probably won’t start the plans for another 6 months. But my FI is more than willing to talk about it openly with me, which is why I am so comfortbale with the long engagement. If your FI isn’t willing to discuss the wedding it may be because he doesn’t really want to get married. Better to know now than make yourself miserable for the forseeable future and walk on eggshells when the wedding comes up! Good luck, I’m hoping it all works out for you 🙂 xo
Post # 6
I had this problem. We got engaged in March 2013 and just last month set our date. That’s a little bit longer of a wait than what you had and we’ve also been together for 7 years now. I wanted late may or june (because of our daughter being out of school) and he wanted fall because its not hot. So I decided I’d rather have him comfortable.
But anyway, I just sat down with him and said ok, I understand you want fall. What month? And I looked up the previous years weather for a few fall months and we narrowed it down to October and based on what the weather was like for those weekends, we decided on the 17th of next year. I haven’t done much since then in the way of planning so maybe if you set the date and just leave it at that for awhile it won’t be such a big deal to him.
Hope that helps a little! But just know I feel your pain!
Post # 7
So he gave an engagement ring to his first wife and then didn’t want to plan a wedding and only did so because he was pressured and then resented her for it. Now, he gives you a ring, does not want to plan a wedding and has told you that he if you keep it up, he’s threatening to break it off. That’s just plain cruel to give an engagement ring to a girl who he knows wants to marry him and then tell her not to plan a wedding. I would be having a talk to know why he doesn’t want to plan a wedding. If finances are not an issue, they why wait. He either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. Living in limbo the way you are would drive any girl crazy. Talk to him. Communication is key!!
Post # 8
My friend was in this situation. Her then bf proposed to her on valentines day and by the August they had split up. He was refusing to talk anything wedding related with her and had basically proposed to her to “shut her up”. I think if you propose to someone then you need to be willing to talk marriage and weddings – even if it is in a few years times. Yes, setting a specific date now might be too much but there is no harm in saying, “let’s get married in 2016” or “I’d likd to get married in this city”. If he is still refusing to have general conversations about it in a month or so then I’d give him the ring back until he has grown up.
Post # 9
I’m wondering why he ever proposed and gave you a ring if he wasn’t prepared to discuss even an outline date. Like, “let’s be engaged for at least a year” or whatever. Did you put any pressure on him to get engaged or was this entirely his idea?
He sounds rather like the boyfriend of a friend of mine. She waited 23 years from engagement to their wedding day and he was quite upfront about the fact that he gave her a ring to stop her constantly talking about getting married! As it happens, she was surprisingly OK about waiting so long but it wouldn’t suit most of us.
I also think that if he isn’t prepared to have any sort of discussion about getting married then you’d be well advised to give him the ring back. Don’t be dramatic about returning it but point out that you can’t really see the point of a formal engagement all the while he is so unprepared to discuss marriage. After all, an engagement is a joint commitment to marry. Without a wedding on the cards then the engagement becomes rather meaningless.
Post # 10
I’d look at this a little differently, because you say he treats you really well. So maybe he has commitment issues and only gave you the ring because he loves you and knew you wanted it. Hey, that’s a great first step. I’d build on that love and see if you can get an idea of when planning is in the books. You can always give him the ring back, but why not try first to find out what’s going on with him?
Post # 11
Supersleuth: This is great advice. I agree.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone for your advice, it’s tough to think he just gave it to me to shut me up… But I guess it’s possible. We looked online at rings for a few months before he bought it and gave it to me. I’ve asked before why he gave it to me if we can’t talk about the wedding or setting a date, but get the same answer. Tyron in another breath he tells me how much he loves me and is going to marry me……