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You're totally not a downer - this is real life!
I'm really glad that you both are willing to talk it out and go to a counselor - it is not a sign of failings but a sign of strength and belief in your marriage. I hope you will find it really beneficial in helping your communication. And maybe get a sippy cup for the beer... (joking...) 
Good luck!
Good luck! I think counseling is a good first step...I'd be pissed off if my FH used that sort of language with me without even a "good morning" first. Hell, I'd be mad if he said something like that, period. I hope your session goes well. :)
I think you're taking the right step in getting counseling ASAP. I've read a few of your previous posts, and you guys just aren't on the same communication wavelength. He needs an outside party to teach him how to communicate better and to see your points better.
And when I say that, I don't mean that you're 100% in the clear either. Clearly what he said bothered you and hurt your feelings, but you also have to learn to pick your battles. He knows exactly how to push your buttons, and you get wildly upset and overreact. Neither of you is right, and a counselor will certainly help you both communicate better and not TRY to annoy each other.
I wish you lots of luck today, and please don't let him cancel because the two of you can't afford it. Divorce is much more expensive than working out your marriage through a counselor.
Thanks, everyone.
@ejoyb: yes, he does.which is partly why he was so pissy about it. i still didn't expect that arrogant, critical morning greeting.
@nature_girl: I knew it...takes one to know one I guess. :)
That said, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but don't take it personally?
When I used to come home after a long day of fixing other peoples computer problems, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I had to fix more at home. Starting the day fixing a computer problem that could have been resolved the night before probably isn't the best either.
I guess, put yourself in his shoes. Think of the most annoying thing you have to do at work and then think of having to start your day at home, your supposed place of respite, doing that annoying thing.
Would you be in the best of moods?
I'm not going to say you don't need to go to counseling because I can't say that for anyone. I will say that marriages and people aren't always sunshine and light and sometimes, he's going to be in a bad mood. Sometimes you are. Its just the ebb and flow of things.
(Side note: He was probably laying in bed for that hour going "SERIOUSLY?! WTF?" and letting whatever other anger he was feeling pass. The flagrantly negligent comment seems...very reserved for what I know to be the normal reaction to someone spilling liquid into a piece of computer hardware. Good thing it wasn't a laptop.)
I think it would be interesting to watch his communication patterns with others in his life to see if this kind of things pops up often. Also, watch how people of significance in his life (parents, close friends, sibs) talk to him.
Generally speaking, domineering and dismissive communication patterns have been modeled by someone to catch on in one's own life. It might help you get to the root of this to understand where this is coming from with him.
I hate to also be Debbie Downer, but these patterns can escalate quickly to more frequency or even to acting out of violence. One of the biggest predictors of being treated badly in a relationship is the lack of empathy on the part of one's partner. He is not empathizing with you here. Watch for other ways this happens with him. Be aware.
Good luck
Wait, why'd you marry this guy again??? TOTALLY KIDDING!!! Just trying to make you smile 
You guys will be fine, just need to work on a few things. The fact that he is even readily agreeing to counseling (seems like the cost is the only issue for him) is a big deal. A lot of guys would think the idea itself is just ridiculous. Maybe you blew this a little out of proportion but that's only because you have a lot built up and you want to fix it so bad that it's frustrating. Have you guys read the Five Love Languages books? If not, they could be helpful.
Side note: the books would be helpful in addtion to the counseling, not suggesting they would solve all your problems!
Honey this is just reality. Some people don't get on the same page communication wise right off the bat and somebody has to guide them to it.
THis is just another example that you need a counselor. Write down how you feel--be able to give specific examples to the counselor. Why what he said bothers you, etc. Otherwise you'll just generalize in the meeting.
It'll be ok, but the counseling is needed, you know it (that's half the battle), and you can work on it together. They'll give you suggestions for how to deal with the snippy comments back and forth and how to keep from going ballistic on each other in a matter of seconds. It happens, but you'll learn to catch yourselves and remedy the situation before you get to the point you're crying!! Good luck!
@ejoyb: I have to agree with you. I think he was reacting not as a husband, but as a computer person who was roused out of his sleep to fix an issue that he could have fixed before he lay down the night before.
@nature_girl: The fact that the first thing out of his mouth was the keyboard tells me that he probably spent that hour laying in bed to try and calm himself down enough to even attempt to say anything to you about it. As a person in the IT industry "flagrantly negligent" is pretty mild description. We are SERIOUS about our equipment. Having said that, I think the couseling is a good idea. It's never a bad idea to work on communicating effectively and I wish you both luck.
I agree with ejoyb. The fact that he works on computers is pretty relevant here. Maybe your communication styles clashed (and maybe they do other times, too, about non-computer stuff), but part of the reason you're so hurt is that he talked to you like a client, not like a wife.
So I think when you go to counseling, acknowledge the fact that you KNOW that's not he would usually talk to you, but also acknowledge that it wasn't the only thing wrong with the situation.
I know it's been mentioned a lot elsewhere, but the book "The Five Love Languages" might be helpful. I've found that FH and I argue less about stupid things when we both feel appreciated - I guess it's harder to push someone's buttons when they're not in a button-pushing mood?
Good luck with the session!!!
I think it’s good to keep in mind (and for your husband to keep in mind) that we don’t automatically become great communicators once we sign the marriage license. You don’t automatically know how to be a good partner; it takes work. Like everything else (job training, parenting, etc.) sometimes you need some guidance and help from someone else. It doesn’t mean you’re a “bad” partner at all, it sounds like you have different styles of communication. Sometimes we all need help “getting” things – and a neutral 3rd party sounding board usually is quite helpful. Again, good luck!!!
I have a question for you.
Can you honestly say that you told him about the spill right when it happened? I only ask, because it would be surprising for an IT guy not to deal with that right away and forget about it.
He (not so kindly) pointed out your mistake, and instead of admitting it, you shifted your attention to the choice of words he used.
I'm only pointing this out to remind that there are always two sides to a story, not to accuse you of anything... But since you can't change someone else, you can change only yourself (and he can do the same on his side). Maybe he chooses better words, and maybe you apologize when needed and not shift the conversation to another point of focus that makes HIM look bad when you are faced with the fact that you're in the wrong.
I tried thinking of a less blunt way to say this, but I am kind of in a rush, so I'm sorry if it seems harsh.. It's genuinely food for thoughts though, and I wish you both the best.
All very good points everyone, thank you!!!
Realistically--this morning's stupid fight is not the real issue; it was just another example of what we are both SICK of--our fights getting the better of us. It was a symptom of what's going on underneath. I know that, and figure he probably does, too. So yes, egb, I could've said, "Well...I guess i wiped the beer off quickly so you wouln't see..." But this fight really isn't the issue.
One of the underlying problems for me is that I want us to get on the same page about wanting to make some changes in our communication. When we fight, I feel like I care about finding common ground, and he cares about winning, being right, and proving me wrong. I am exhausted of it.
I'll say something conciliatory and compromise-like, such as: "Honey, we need to understand each other better."
And he'll say: "No, we don't. You just need to accept things about me."
Well, obviously--and likewise!! But it doesn't NEGATE what I said.
Then, after the fact, he acts like nothing has happened.
@ohnyc: I know this is part of his character and personality. He can be a bit abrasive and dismissive. I knew that and have seen him act that way with others, not just me. So yes, I can accept this default sometimes; I just need him to learn that within our marriage, certain ways of communicating aren't as ok as they are with, say, a client. And empathy? Yup, I know. He is capable of showing empathy to my feelings, unless he himself is irritated--i.e., if WE are arguing with each other. All issues we're going to discuss with the counselor. I know it's important.
2 hours till our session. deep breath.
I can honestly see both sides of what you are saying and a counselor will help you find some middle ground.
I really feel for you and hope you guys feel better after today's session!
I understand that it's not about this fight in particular.. I'm asking to think about: do you think that it could be a pattern for you? (shifting the focus to something he did wrong to avoid looking at your faults and making the argument about that)
This in NO WAY makes me worried about your marriage - I'm surprised all the responses here aren't 'oh yeah, we've had that fight a zillion times'. You are totally self-aware that it's a miscommunication problem as opposed to him being a jerk (because you separate his actions from his character.. TOTALLY FAIR as a point to drive home with him!) and think you sound open about taking personal resonsibility for your part in it too.
I'm all for counseling and can tell you it helped us learn to understand what's underneath all those 'insignificant issue' fights because they are always about something bigger!! Someone feels un-loved when they are criticized, the other person wants their feelings to be validated because parents never paid attention, maybe someone else isn't used to be heard so learned to raise their voice to be acknowledged. It always comes down to needing something from the other person in order to feel loved, and often that's related to how our parents treated us as kids. And when you can finally recognize what those things are, and how simple they really are, I find the issues you're fighting about all the sudden seem silly and a lot less scary and annoying. When you finally understand what the other person's need is and they understand what YOUR need is (because most fights are just about the same thing, wearing different clothes every day) and then how to fulfill that need for them, fighting becomes so much easier. It's a beautiful thing, really. So good luck :-)
@egb: yup, we both do that. we get hung up on each other's words and the fights get derailed and we dont stay with what the hell we were fighting about in the first place.
@missboston: i want to hug you. i know all of what you said is true, i hope my darling husband can see it also...
i want to hug ALL of you.
Nature girl it is GOING TO BE OKAY. As long as he is committed to working on it too, you guys will be great. :-) Hugs back!
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OK. I'm so mad. As he left for work this morning, I told him we ARE going to see a counselor today, I'm making the appt, and he'll meet me there.
Grrrr....why am I so mad??
I woke up this morning and discovered my keyboard isn't working on my computer and the computer was crashing, because last night I spilled beer on it (oops
). So this mornign I went in and woke my darling husband and told him "Oops, I'm going to need you to remote control into my desktop to retrieve my files." He stayed in bed for another hour. Fine.
When he finally got up, I went into the bedroom and waited for him to get dressed. The FIRST WORDS he spoke to me were:
"You were flagrantly negligent for not telling me last night that you spilled beer on your keyboard."
Me: "I told you! I mentioned it in passing, probably didn't make a big deal, but I did mention it!" (Defensive. Yay.)
Him: "No you didn't."
Me: "OK, sorry the message didn't get across. Can I get a 'good morning' first? Can you please tell me you're frustrated about the action I did, and not criticize me as 'flagrantly negligent'?"
Him (basically): "I don't agree. You're a sum of all your actions. It makes no difference if I say 'you are flagrantly negligent' or 'what you did is flagrantly negligent.'"
Whatever. How about taking the phrase "flagrantly negligent" out of it; but I can deal with it, he has a point. But to me, the "you are" vs. "what you did is" makes a difference. Regardless:
He needs to accept a simple reality: The way you communicate with your spouse, even little changes, can make a huge difference. Period.
So we argued. I got upset. I cried. He told me he doesn't agree that using critical language is a big deal. By the end of the argument, I finally heard from him what I would've loved to hear at first:
"Sorry I was critical. I would've liked if you had told me last night that beer spilled on your keyboard."
I told him we really can't afford to wait to go to a counselor, and we're going today at 4:00 (if the guy I talked to the other day still has that space open for us). He knows it's expensive, and wouldnt' commit to "a series of sessions with this person," but he knows we need it sooner rather than later, so "make the appointment for today, we'll go, and take it from there."
When I type it out, it doesn't sound like such a huge deal, but honestly to me, it's more of an issue that we get on the same page about making changes in our communication. It's the fact that when I get upset about the way he says something, he doesn't just say, "Oops, sorry; I did that thing you don't like."-->because if he just does that, then in return I won't do that thing that HE doesn't like!!!
It's this:
We both know we have differences. I need him to respect those differences, instead of judging the things about me that are different, as simply "wrong." I can admit that maybe I do the same, but I'm willing to admit that certain changes in OUR communication are necessary.
Sorry to be such a downer. I understand if nobody replies, I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.
And please, bees.....if anyone out there is thinking "WHY'D you marry this guy??" please don't share it with me. I'm looking for a place to get it off my chest, maybe some encouragement, maybe someone who can relate, maybe even someone to tell me I blew this out of proportion, but not judgment or pity that I am in this marriage in the first place. Thanks.