- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
OK. I’m so mad. As he left for work this morning, I told him we ARE going to see a counselor today, I’m making the appt, and he’ll meet me there.
Grrrr….why am I so mad??
I woke up this morning and discovered my keyboard isn’t working on my computer and the computer was crashing, because last night I spilled beer on it (oops ). So this mornign I went in and woke my darling husband and told him “Oops, I’m going to need you to remote control into my desktop to retrieve my files.” He stayed in bed for another hour. Fine.
When he finally got up, I went into the bedroom and waited for him to get dressed. The FIRST WORDS he spoke to me were:
“You were flagrantly negligent for not telling me last night that you spilled beer on your keyboard.”
Me: “I told you! I mentioned it in passing, probably didn’t make a big deal, but I did mention it!” (Defensive. Yay.)
Him: “No you didn’t.”
Me: “OK, sorry the message didn’t get across. Can I get a ‘good morning’ first? Can you please tell me you’re frustrated about the action I did, and not criticize me as ‘flagrantly negligent’?”
Him (basically): “I don’t agree. You’re a sum of all your actions. It makes no difference if I say ‘you are flagrantly negligent’ or ‘what you did is flagrantly negligent.'”
Whatever. How about taking the phrase “flagrantly negligent” out of it; but I can deal with it, he has a point. But to me, the “you are” vs. “what you did is” makes a difference. Regardless:
He needs to accept a simple reality: The way you communicate with your spouse, even little changes, can make a huge difference. Period.
So we argued. I got upset. I cried. He told me he doesn’t agree that using critical language is a big deal. By the end of the argument, I finally heard from him what I would’ve loved to hear at first:
“Sorry I was critical. I would’ve liked if you had told me last night that beer spilled on your keyboard.”
I told him we really can’t afford to wait to go to a counselor, and we’re going today at 4:00 (if the guy I talked to the other day still has that space open for us). He knows it’s expensive, and wouldnt’ commit to “a series of sessions with this person,” but he knows we need it sooner rather than later, so “make the appointment for today, we’ll go, and take it from there.”
When I type it out, it doesn’t sound like such a huge deal, but honestly to me, it’s more of an issue that we get on the same page about making changes in our communication. It’s the fact that when I get upset about the way he says something, he doesn’t just say, “Oops, sorry; I did that thing you don’t like.”–>because if he just does that, then in return I won’t do that thing that HE doesn’t like!!!
We both know we have differences. I need him to respect those differences, instead of judging the things about me that are different, as simply “wrong.” I can admit that maybe I do the same, but I’m willing to admit that certain changes in OUR communication are necessary.
Sorry to be such a downer. I understand if nobody replies, I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.
And please, bees…..if anyone out there is thinking “WHY’D you marry this guy??” please don’t share it with me. I’m looking for a place to get it off my chest, maybe some encouragement, maybe someone who can relate, maybe even someone to tell me I blew this out of proportion, but not judgment or pity that I am in this marriage in the first place. Thanks.