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I understand why you are upset but graduation is important for some people. Maybe they thought that these kids would never graduate, or they just want to support them for sticking it out and graduating. It was really important for my dad to see my college graduation because I didn't walk at my high school one and I'm the only child.
I can understand feeling upset, but honestly, I think graduations are a really big deal and deserve to be celebrated, at least by the graduate and his or her parents and siblings. If you had random aunts and uncles choosing the graduation over your wedding, then that kind of ups the ante and I would be questioning their decision.
Still, I totally get being disappointed about the scheduling conflict. I would be too.
I don't think we can say a wedding or a graduation is more important. It's unfortunate about the scheduling conflict, but you can't be mad at people for going to their child's graduation. If it's really important to you to have these people at your wedding, is it possible to change the date of your wedding?
I feel bad that 15 people are cut from your guest lists but in my opinion a graduation is a 10x bigger deal than a wedding. People devote soooo many years in their life to education and it is such an accomplishment. A wedding is nice, but I would be offended if my parents decided to go to a wedding over my graduation. That's just messed up!
Put your self in their shoes its your kids college graduation or you have a wedding in the family to go to which one are you going to. The graduatiion hands down. Although these people will be missed at your wedding im sure the person who is graduating would be even more disapointed if they missed their graduation to go to your wedding. I have had events like this where people end up giving me a card with money or a gift anyway it will be ok. Just try to put yourself in their shoes. Its ok to feel disapointed.
Honestly, as much as I love weddings, I would definitely go to an immediate family member's graduation before an extended member's wedding simply because I do not have a super close-knit extended family (and I would expect the same of them). Are these people choosing to go to the graduation the parents and such of the kids graduating? I think that if the graduates are taking the event seriously, their families should as well.
That being said, I didn't really care about my own college graduation and would have gladly gone to a wedding in it's place. If it was up to me, I would have encouraged my family to attend the wedding, not the graduation, but I really think it's up to the graduate and how important graduation is to them.
I would have made the same assumption that graduations are held in May, and my husband and I are both professors. Mid-June is unusually late. Your aunts may be thinking, "well if moderndaisy really wanted us there, she wouldn't have picked the same day as our daughter's graduation, and it isn't fair to make our daughter suffer for her mistake." Please note that I am in no way casting stones at you (since I would have made the exact same assumption) but am trying to explain what they may be thinking. I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Graduations are very important to some people, and not very important to others. But I think the deciding factor for your relatives might have been that you had control over when you scheduled your wedding, and your cousins have no control over when the university schedules their graduation.
It's not wrong to be disappointed about the situation, but I don't think that there iss anything that you can do about it unless you are willing to change your date (which I did when the original venue closed, but some people had scheduled their vacations around our original date and were really disappointed when they couldn't come to the new one. Everyone understood our situation, but this one might be more difficult to explain.)
It is too late to change the date, but to be honest I don't think I should have to. The second I change the date it won't work for someone else. Like I said before, I do understand why graduations in general are a big deal, don't get me wrong. But when faced with the decision to go to a family wedding or walk on graduation day, I know I would have opted for the wedding.
I think that the parents and siblings of the person graduating would go to the graduation, but other than that, I think the wedding should be higher on the priority list for aunts, uncles, etc. Graduations are definitely important and there's no way that my parents would go to a wedding over my or my brother's graduations. That really stinks about the scheduling conflict... I've never heard of a graduation in the middle of June, so I wouldn't have planned for it either! Maybe look on the positive side... you can either spend less money on the wedding or provide the guests that are coming with better food, maybe more alcohol, etc. if you want to spend the money anyways. In the end, you're going to be married and obviously you want all your family to be there, but it will be just as special with some of them missing.
I agree with Bostonbee. For an immediate family member graduating vs a cousin wedding I would go to the graduation but for anything other than an immediate family member getting married I would choose to attend the wedding.
I also would have thought you'd have been in the clear in June. Sorry for the rough deal, two once in a lifetime events in one day is hard.
I would feel sad that they couldn't be there with me on my wedding day, but I would also think about how sad they would not be to attend something they worked so hard for. I was the first person in my family to graduate college, so there's nothing in the world that would have kept me from walking on that day...I just worked waaaay to hard for it.
What would you do if the situation was reversed and it was their wedding and your graduation?
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but from your last comment, are you saying that even the graduates (not just their families) should come to your wedding over their own graduation??
I would expect immediate family (parents and siblings) to go to the graduation, but everyone else (including grandparents) should go to your wedding. In my mind a wedding is a bigger deal.
Graduating college is a wonderful achievement and something to be celebrated for sure. However, it's pretty uneventful - you just watch the person walk and take their diploma without even talking or anything. Also, what if the student goes on to grad school? Then they'll be graduating again, but you only have 1 wedding! And besides, can't the families of the graduates throw parties a day or two (or even a week) after? I only had my parents, sister, and 1 grandmother come to my actual graduation, but I had about 30 family members at my graduation party later that evening. I was not at all hurt or disappointed that they didn't come to see me walk.
Perhaps you or your mother and mother in law could explain the situation to the parents of the graduates and ask if there was any way they could throw a graduation party later? I dunno, maybe that would just upset them, but I don't think it'd be unreasonable.
Any school (college) that is on the quarter system (and almost all high schools) will have graduation in June, as they don't start school until late September. Also, I agree with the immediate family going to graduation- I would have been LIVID if my parents hadn't gone to mine!
i cant believe anyone would expect a college graduate and their parents to miss out on THEIR once in a lifetime event...even if the ceremony itself is uneventful, its what it stands for that matters. .
The UC system in California graduates in late June (except Berkley I think). I understand this is an unusal situation, because most other schools graduate in May so it is not something you would have thought about.
However, as someone who will be graduating college soon I would not miss the actual ceremony in a million years. I have worked so hard for my degree and I want to ahve my special day. Yes, I plan to go to grad school and will have another graduation and that will be important too. But there is something that seems really special about going to your first college graduation. And I would be very, very upset if my immediate family chose a wedding over my graduation.
I know you are upset, but please realize that this will be a special day for the both of you. If you were in their shoes you might choose the wedding over your graduation, but everyone has different priorities. You can't place your wedding above someone elses graduation because they are both very special and important days.
I feel that you shouldn't have to move your date, but I really don't blame them for not going. I'm graduating college (undergrad) in May & my brother's graduating high school in June-and if someone scheduled a wedding on that day, I wouldn't go to the wedding-and you can bet no one in the immediate family's going too. I agree with what babyboo said.
I feel that it does depend on how close the family is-if they're closer they may care more about a graduation. Graduation is just as big a step as a wedding. They're just different.
I don't really think you have any right to be mad at them. Its a bit presumptous to think that your cousins should think your wedding is a bigger deal than their graduation. They worked hard towards earning a degree and deserve to celebrate that accomplishment. Graduations also tend to happen on the exact same day every year or are know WAY in advance, so its really not their fault you didn't consider this possibility.
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't miss my college graduation for a cousin's wedding. A sister or a best friend? Definitely. But I'd have to be VERY close or somehow involved in the wedding to be willing to miss my graduation for it.
I agree that weddings are very important, but a graduation is something they've worked towards for so long! I think it's a huge deal.
My family is obviously very different from most. No one in my family or FH's are 'the first to graduate', etc. We view graduations as a huge pain, as special and important as they are. Ever notice how there are hours of speeches from people you've never seen before in your 4+ years? And for the most part, in our family at least, getting married is a way bigger deal than graduating. It's just frustrating, I'm not mad at them like some people are accusing me of. No one who has responded seems to have this happen to them? I don't think it's fair to be so critical of me, especially if this hasn't happened to you.
I understand why this is frustrating for you, but I think that the family members who are attending the graduations are right in doing so. My parents were in attendance at my undergraduate graduation and I would have been upset if they had skipped it for a cousin's wedding!
Graduations are part of the deal when planning a May wedding in my opinion. A good friend got married last May and her wedding attendance was smaller than she had initially thought because of graduations happening the same weekend.
I dont know why they dont go to the graduation and then come to the wedding after?
Oh simple, I want to hug you!! Unfortunately my wedding is in Philly and the graduations are in Ohio and Michigan :(
I actually graduated around that time in June and for my family it was a big deal because I was the first one to graduate from a college.
I can see why your mad but I don't think you can be mad at the people who chose a graduation over your wedding. If I was in your situation, I would be more mad at myself that I didn't think about that.
Is there anyway, to move your wedding to later in the day? So that they could come to your weddign afterwards. I know my ceremony was in the morning and I was pretty much free in the afternoon.
I planned my wedding for late in June because my fiance is a professor, and I know most UCs hold graduations in mid-June (mine was June 17), and we wanted all family and cousins to be able to come. My graduation from UCSC was a big deal, with a caterer and my huge family all in attendance. If one of my cousins had planned a wedding on that day, I'd be pretty upset. Cuz it's really incumbent upon the person setting their wedding date to make sure none of their close relatives are graduating from college on that date! It's a big deal to a lot of people, I think. If one of my cousins was graduating, and another getting married, and I was equally close to them, I would probably go to the graduation. Plus, graduation is something that person cannot move on the calendar. I feel like, in my family, if a family member really wanted all family to be able to attend their wedding, they would send out a quick e-mail prior to setting the date, in order to get a feel for who would be able to go and when.
Not to upset you any more, but I have one more thing to add:
If you are close enough to your cousins to be upset that they and their family won't be at your wedding, I assume you would be close enough to have remembered they would be graduating soon and sent them a note asking when their graduation was before you picked your date.
I know you can't plan your wedding around everyones availibility, but I assume as you are so upset they won't be coming, you would have thought about their availability in advance.
We pushed our wedding back a week when we found out it fell the day of my baby sister's college graduation. Granted, we're still more than a year away so it wasn't a big deal. Graduations are pretty important in my family, and although I know they would have come to my wedding instead- I certainly didn't want them to have to make that decision. Plus I wanted to be there to support her!! Sorry you're dealing with this, i'm sure it will all work out. Good luck!
I can definitely see why you are mad and I understand that to you and your immediate family, graduations are no big deal. But maybe to you're cousins, it is. I didn't go to a single one of my cousin's graduations or even my Best Friends'/MOH because I too find them to be agonizing. But I never got to walk for my HS graduation and so to walk at my college graduation means nearly as much to me as my wedding. When I have invested that much time and money into getting that piece of paper, I want everyone to see me receive it come hell or high water.
I really wish there was an easy solution to your conundrum, like what simpleandchic suggested. But there doesn't seem to be one...
Do you know what time their ceremonies are? If they are morning ceremonies could they catch flights and make the evening festivities of your wedding if you really want them to be there. Yes it could be an inconvenience to you and your local family, but if you really want them there, then you need to be accomadating.
And I am in your shoes...
One of our groomsmen has his graduation ceremony the morning after our wedding. Not a big deal except for our wedding being 500 miles away from his school. We told him there was no way we could force him to be in or come to our wedding b/c walking in his graduation was WAY more important. After some deliberation we found a perfect (though slightly inconvenient) solution. He's driving down with another groomsman a couple days before, doing the wedding and reception with us and then we (yes the FH and myself) are driving him to the airport after the reception to catch a redeye flight to Dallas.
Ideal? No. Memorable? Hell yeah!
So I hope you can work something like that out and I hope everyone involved can be understanding and keep there cool. Good luck, hun! and hugs! to you for having to deal w/ this.
Thanks Mismikado! That is very memorable for you - wow I can't even believe you worked it out like that!! I'm not really expecting them to be open to the idea of making it to my wedding, but it's a very good idea to suggest it. Especially for the Ohio one - maybe they could drive straight to the reception if the graduation is early enough. Heck, they'd have to spend the night there anyway, right? (they live very far from Ohio).
I think everything happens for a reason and if you try to manipulate things you end up on bottom. And also, at least for MY cousin, they definitely didn't know her graduation date until just a couple weeks ago, definitely too late for me to change everything. She is on the 6 year plan, changing her major several times, flunking classes, taking time off to get wasted with her friends. So she didn't even think she was graduating until recently. And I guess it's not even 100% still.
It's a little comforting to hear everyone on this thread swaying to the side of attending a graduation vs. a wedding. My FMIL and Mom are Furious, but I honestly don't really care that much. I'm definitely upset, but not mad or anything. I just know for sure my parents would never let me walk vs. a cousin's wedding, but sounds like that's not the norm at all!! haha!
honestly, from your last comment it seems like the moms are getting you riled up...they can't change their graduation date, and it sounds like you can't or don't want to change your wedding date, so I'd just try to come to peace w/ it and even let them know they will be missed on your special day!
Hi guys - long time lurker, first time poster here...
Just registered to respond to this - not really advice, but I actually had this happen on my graduation day. It also happened to be my birthday too! But FH couldn't come to see me walk because he was a GM at his best friend's wedding. I felt bad (read: angry) at the time, but I knew that he had a bigger responsibility that day.
I'm sorry you have to go through this - I hope you can work things out!
I have to agree with the majority of the posters. There's no way my immediate family, (and grandparents), would have missed my graduation(s) for a cousin's wedding. I worked REALLY hard in college and law school and they were there every step of the way. They know how important graduating was for me and it was equally important for them. I'm by no means the first one to graduate in my family, (everyone has at least a masters), but it's still a huge deal and a huge accomplishment. It takes A LOT of hard work to graduate from college,but literally anyone can get married. No use in wasting time being upset over it.
I was in a similar situation. My closest cousin was getting married the day after my little sister graduation from high school (it was at night). It was nerve wrecking because graduation was in IL and wedding in MS and I'm from FL. lol....but my grandmother wanted to attend both..so who stayed up all night after leaving graduation party early..to drive my gma to MS to see her grandson get married in the early am, I did.
I think there are ways to make it happen. We also didn't make it because the um...stupid girl he was marrying (oh yes, I hate dislike her a lot btw) wanted a early brunch wedding...
Yeah, some of my family were like why would she pick the same day as the graduation? Etc...etc..But, it's her wedding and if she wanted it in May, so be it. I don't believe that many more than the immediate family would be going to the graduation instead of a wedding. I think a wedding is more important, but I think I am in your boat because there are a lot of family members who "made it through."
As for my graduation (I'm not walking): it's before my wedding and I don't expect my family to travel to both. My wedding is in May and as far as I know, no one is graduating though if they were it would probably land on my wedding weekend, just for spite. hehe :D. But, if it did..I think I would be mad a little too because there are ways to make it happen. But, I also believe most of my family would come to the wedding versus the graduation except the parents/siblings of the graduating individual. I even see some sibling of some cousin ditching the graduation to come to my wedding instead. I guess it just depends on what people think would be more important or for some, more fun ;).
I wouldn't let it get to you. You aren't going to be able to change what certain people value and think is important....so just be glad that you are now a couple thousand dollars richer without all those extra people ;)
And June is really late for a graduation where I'm from...even a college one. Usually it lands the second to last or last weekend in May (oh, look whose wedding is than..lol..)
I have to say, the suggestion of seeing if they would like to come after their graduation is a good idea. I know some graduations are super early so maybe they could at least make part of the reception at least. In life, you never know if you don't ask :)
I do have to add, though, that I would be careful about negatively saying, "She is on the 6 year plan..." because I took that long to graduate college and it's not because I was busy partying and all that, so I would just be cautious about a statement like that so you don't offend anyone.
Is it wrong to think: awesome, I don't have to pay for them? Because that seriously, was my first reaction.
haha sulaii211 I thought the same thing! we're jaded :)
really though, it sucks, but there's nothing you can do if you're unwilling to change the date (which I wouldn't be either). Invite 15 other friends instead!
I was on the 5 year plan, got wasted with my friends and changed my major twice. And I was NOT the first in my family to graduate from college - my mom has 2 degrees.
I wouldn't have missed my graduation, come hell or high water, and neither would my family. Regardless of how you someone gets there, they are still graduating. Just because you view graduations as "a pain", (I know there are people that view weddings as a pain!) it is an important event for lots of people. Right up there with weddings and births as far as I'm concerned. I am just shocked that you could be mad about the graduates or their immediate families attending the graduation. I can't even wrap my brain around this one!
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We just found out there are two family (cousin) college graduations the same day as our wedding, one from each of our families. I am sort of kicking myself because I didn't even consider this when we were picking a date as every graduation I have attended has taken place in May.
The families have both decided to attend the graduations instead of our wedding. This wipes out about 15 people from our guest list which isn't that large to begin with. I do understand the obvious reasons why people would want to 'walk' on their graduation day, but I also think that a family wedding is a slightly bigger deal than a graduation.
FMiL and Mom totally agree with me and are upset with these families for their decision. I'm not getting involved, but to be honest I'm upset too and so is FI. Are we wrong to be upset? Anyone else have this happen??