Post # 1
Over the holidays, I was helping my grandma get ready for her annual dinner for the family. It was just she and I, and we were discussing wedding plans. (of course!) I told her that I wouldn’t be able to invite her guest list (mostly her sisters/nieces and nephews) because the FI and I are pretty much paying for everything.
This is when she says ‘Oh, well I have some money set aside for your wedding if you need some, but please don’t tell your Grandfather or your mom’. WTH? So, what do I ask her to help pay for? She didn’t tell me how much she has set aside, so I don’t want to send her a bill for the rentals if she really has only like $1000 for me.
Any advice ladies?
Post # 3
hmmm that’s a tricky one. personally, i would feel strange taking money (as a gift) from my grandma, but keeping it a secret from the rest of my family. if i were you, i’d either graciously say “thanks but no thanks” and keep things easy & honest, or tell your grandmother that while her generosity would be sincerely appreciated, you wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping it a secret from the rest of the family.
do you have idea of why she doesn’t want your mom or grandpa to know?
Post # 4
I agree, I think this is a “thanks, but no thanks” situation.
Post # 5
Just ask her to pay full head costs for her guests only. You’ve already spoken to her about not being able to afford her guest list. She obviously wants them there enough to pay for.
“Grandma, I thought about what you said and it would cost FI and I another x-thousand to have your guest list attend” then see if she agrees to pay for it or if she says “oh, well, nevermid then dear.” 🙂
Post # 6
I agree that wouldn’t take money and keep it a secret. No need to stir up any drama.
Post # 7
I agree. Let her know what the per-person extra price is, and the total for her guest list and see what she says.
Can you keep the secret? You know your family dynamics better than me. Weddings are about family as much as about you….sounds like it would mean a lot to her.
From my experience, old people give expensive gifts, even if they end up not being able to come! (Not that you should think that)
Post # 8
Maybe it’s a generational thing in which the man usually takes care of the finances?
Like PPs stated, either thank her for her gracious offer OR perhaps present her with the prospect of paying for a really small item/s for the wedding. Maybe something under $200?
If she insists, can you tell her that it makes you uncomfortable if she has to hide the fact she gave you money?
Post # 9
The secretiveness of it is what is a bit odd. I’d probably politely decline, or ask that it not have to be a secret. It would be helpful to have a conversation with her about whether this is a set sum she’d like to give you to use for the wedding, or if it’s a bit of cash she’d like to use in her own way. If it’s the latter, you can tell her that it’s ‘x amount/person’ and if she wants to invite particular people then she can figure out how many with how much she wants to contribute.
Post # 10
Yeah, I think you’re all right. I didn’t say ‘Oh thanks, Grandma, I’ll definitely hit you up for that money!’, I just said, ‘oh, thanks!’. The secretiveness is probably because she’s been saving money and has it set aside for something special. The grandpa can be a ‘tight wad’…so he wouldn’t approve of her giving it to me. Ultimately I don’t really need it, it would just be nice to have!