(Closed) Grandmama Drama! HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ughhh, what a nightmare:( I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this.  Is she “aware” of her problem?  By that I mean, when she’s not totally out of it, can she acknowledge that she has a problem and can be a bit to handle?  If so, my advice would be to find a moment like that and just explain yourself as honestly as you can. 

If not, I’d say let her husband take responsibility for it.  I can’t imagine she can get herself to and from an airport, so if he books the trip she’ll have to go along with him.  Maybe even have him tell her that they’re coming for a longer period of time that they are, then just “change the plan” once they’re in CO.  I have dealt with a similar situation and usually we just try to play it off like “no, <grandmomma>, we’ve ALWAYS planned on leaving this day- you must be remembering it wrong.”

Again, so sorry you’re have to worry about this:(

Post # 4
Member
988 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.  It must be terrible to see yoru mother put herself in such a state.  Is there anyway you can talk directly to her husband about it?  He must understand how she can be and maybe he could insist on going with her, without her ever knowing that you requested he come?  Another angle might be trying to gently explain to your mother that you are so grateful she wants to come help, but that this is a time for you and your DH to get used to your new role as parents and so whle you will happily accept her help, you would prefer if she stayed in a hotel so you could get into your own routine and have some privacy as a family.  If she’s staying in a hotel, Ì imagine she won’t want to stay for an entire month and you making it about your needs as a new family and not about her substance abuse problems.

Post # 5
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would refuse for her to be in my house for longer than a day. No matter what. You dont need to worry about her (even if she was in a local hotel) and a newborn. If you did decide to take her in, I would search her up and down for drugs, empty the house of alcohol and OTCs, and ban all smoking. Give her some rules and if she breaks any of them, get her out asap.

Post # 7
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

What a tough situation. You told the story about what happened the last time she visited for a couple of days and that sounds like too much to me to have around a newborn. 

How unreasonable would it be to hire someone, a nurse or other medical helper, to be there when your mom visits? I would want her watching the baby every second when grandma was around.

Post # 8
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!  My husband is a grateful recovering addict so I know the kind of antics and insantiy that can prevail as “normal” when you are dealing with an addict.

If you are set on your decision to have her come out for a few days with her husband (remember – you don’t HAVE to do even this if it makes you uncomfortable but you seem OK with it) then I don’t think you need to walk on eggshells.  Presuming you are set and comfortable with your decision, then I think you can just be blunt and honest.

I have to share with you though the most important thing I’ve leraned about addiction.  We as the loved ones are never responsible for their behavior.  They have a disease and until they take responsibility for it and get help, the insanity will continue.  We did cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it.  Nothing we say or don’t say or do or don’t do can make them better or make them worse.  It’s all on them.  So being honest with her isn’t going to cause her binge.  Her addiction will cause her binge.  She may even say it’s because her feelings are hurt, but they become experts in manipulation and blaming others.  You have to do what’s right for yourself and the other relationships in your life that are still healthy.  I know it’s easier said than done!

Post # 9
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Honestly? She sounds toxic. I don’t think you should have her come at all. You saying she can’t come won’t cause her to spiral. That is her addiction – manipulation! I’m very sorry that you have had to deal with all this and hope your mother is able to get the help she needs someday.

Post # 10
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

1. I’m sorry you have to deal with this dynamic in your family.

2. I don’t think you should concern yourself with her “sensitivity”.  You are a new mom, and your first responsibility is to care for your new baby.

3. I don’t think she should be permitted to sleep in your house with a newborn.  If you can afford it, I suggest that you chip in for a hotel/motel for 2-3 nights and let her stay there during her visit.  If she wants to stay longer, she can pay for additional nights.  Regardless of their relationship to me, I would not be comfortable allowing such a volatile person stay in my house with an infant.

4. Again, if she wants to be sensitive and have hurt feelings, that is HER PROBLEM, not yours.  You should feel much guiltier for exposing your baby to this sort of behavior than for offending your mom.  The safety of an innocent, helpless baby trumps the hurt feelings of an out-of-control adult.

5. I don’t think you should get into searching for drugs, etc.  Either you trust her, or you don’t.

Post # 11
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with some PPs, one of the consequences of her actions will be that she won’t be allowed to do an extended visit with her grandchild.  Unfortunately you have to be the bad guy, which can’t be fun for you, but your first loyalty needs to be to your child.  Only when faced with the consequences of her actions will she “hit rock bottom” and decide to allow help.  I have some personal experience with this and I know that it can be so hard to seemingly turn your back on a family member that needs so much help.  But forcing them to live their choices is really in their best interest. 

Post # 12
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@PandasWifey:  If I remember correctly, you’ve had quite a difficult pregnancy, correct?  I really think that it’s admirable that you’re concerned about how your mom will feel (and TOTALLY normal!).  But you have already had a really stressful pregnancy and cutting out additional sources of unavoidable stress will probably be the most healthy option.

If it were up to you, what would the best REASONABLE scenario be? Mom and her hub staying at a hotel? Not coming at all? Etc.  Whatever your true feelings are, that’s what I would go with.

Post # 13
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

This sounds like a very tought situation and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Simce her behavior doesn’t seem to be a secret I would talk to her husband and tell them to stay at a local hotel and visit during the day with his supervision. If this is something that you feel too stressed to handle, I’m sure your husband would step in. You need to worry about you and the baby, someone else has to take care of your mother. While your mother might be upset since your husband is the only one who can handle her then I would just try to work with him.

Post # 15
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, this sounds like such a tough situation. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Your child’s well being and SAFETY is your very first concern. I would absolutely not allow your mother to stay in your house if you feel she could put your baby in danger. Plus, you will have enough to worry about trying to take care of a newborn, and then trying to add baby sitting your mother into the picture. Sounds like too stressful of a situation to put yourself through. I like the other’s idea of putting her in a hotel for a couple of days and having the husband come along. Is there a chance this could all just blow over and she’ll forget about coming to stay for a month?

Post # 16
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@PandasWifey:  Ah good.  I’m glad that you have that knowledge although it doesn’t make it easy.  Often the newcomers in my support group will ask for advice on problems they are having and we always say, we don’t have the answers.  But learning and understanding some basic things about addiction can make you more confident in making the tough decisions and staying true to yourself in the process.  It sounds like you have the tools so you will get through this situation, no matter how it turns out!

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