Post # 1
I was talking to my Nana tonight.
I’m very lucky she is my stepNana but my SDads family really took me as their own
Anyway she was asking about the ceremony plans and things. And she asked a question and I casually said that I wasnt being walked down the aisle by SDad.
I dont want to be ‘given away’ never have and SDad doesnt care at all plus my Dad is dead and I think part of me would think that somethings would have been for him and that fact he isnt there. I dont want my SDad to look like he is completely taking over from my dad like my dad never existed (he died when I was very young)
Anyway my Nana is really upset and started shouting saying I was being disrespectful to SDad and that he has been my dad and he should walk me down the aisle. And my dad has been dead for so long it doesnt matter.
I ended up getting so upset I just hung up on her.
Post # 3
@mallo: Wow, this must be such a stressfull situation. I’m sure it must have been very hurtful to hear her disrespect your biological father’s memory like that. I’m sure in her eyes she feels like perhaps because your stepdad helped raised you, he deserves to be honoured for that. Is there perhaps another way to honour your stepdad in a way that would make both he and your stepgrandmother feel special without having anyone walk you down the aisle?
Post # 4
@mallo: I totally understand both sides of this. If your step dad is REALLY okay with not walking you down the aisle, perhaps he should speak to his mom about this. Maybe if it comes from him that the 2 of you came to this decision together and it’s a way to honour your dad she’ll be okay with it.
Post # 5
So… I feel for ya, I really do. I don’t have a BIO dad who’s around and my SDad has done so so so SO much for my family. I wasn’t going to have anybody walk me down the aisle, I’m stong independent and my own woman not to be given away” – (was NOT raised by SDad).. Aftecareful consideration I asked both my mom and sdad to walk me.. It was the “right” thing to do after all he has done. He didn’t raise me, per say, howevever, he’s been around since I was 11 and he’s been one of my closest confidants.
I am so glad I did have him walk me – he’s earned the honor of it. Plus he was so touched and moved.. Truly it was I am who am honored that he was there for me.
I don’t think you BIO dad would be upset if he knew you chose (if you do) to have your SDad walk you. He’d probably be relieved and glad to know there is another Man in your life who filled his role in his absence.
Good luck with your decision, girl. I know it’s a tough one.
Post # 6
@MsGinkgo: +1. Well said.
Post # 7
Does she get like that often? I hope she calms down!
Post # 8
🙁 awww. I’m so sorry. It’s so hard when you try to balance family stuff. I think you should let her cool down and try to explain it to her just as you did here. There are other ways to honour your step father if you want. You don’t have to be given away if you don’t want to and it’s really unfair of her to put you down because of your decisions. I get you with the dad thing. My mom was upset that she wasn’t going to give me away and had a smaller part in the ceremony. I’m sorry, but this is the one thing that I felt only my dad can do, and I really felt it was his right as my father to have that honour. Step parents got to light candles and do readings and stuff. It’s not a competition.
Post # 9
@MsGinkgo: SDad never ever even thought for a second that he would be walking me down the aisle even when I was little
@BrandNewBride: no not really. She likes things her own way but not like this
Post # 10
@mallo: Call her back and apologize for the misunderstanding. I think she may be more hurt than she is angry. Please don’t let it fester, especially since it’s odd for her to act this way. She loves you, try to humble yourself and talk it out.
Post # 11
You might want to think about asking your stepdad to walk you down the aisle as you carry something of your father’s. Maybe his watch or ring tied to your bouquet. He wouldn’t be so much giving you away as welcoming your new husband into his family. In this way you’d be honoring all the three most important men in your life. I’m totally not one for the whole “giving away” thing but I have to admit I always get a little choked up when a Father of the Bride shakes hands with the groom as the ceremony begins. It seems so warm and welcoming, and shows that the father/s-dad respects the groom as an adult, not just the guy who is marrying his little girl. It’s a really special moment. Maybe you could find a way to make it work where you can let your groom and your s-dad share that moment without feeling like it’s something you font want,
Post # 12
@Horseradish: I am not even consider it. I do t want to and I am not going to be backed into a corner by my Nana to do something I don’t want to.
Post # 13
since you made up your mind just apologize for hanging up on her, tell her decisions have been made and its not changing . you are a grown woman you want your day the way you do, and thats what is important.
Post # 14
Call her back and just say you are sorry you hung up but you really felt attacked for something that is not at all a judgment on your relationship with your stepdad. Explain that you know how wonderful he is but that you don’t view walking down the aisle as the marker of how much you love him and appreciate him–that you want to walk yourself down for reasons X, Y, Z (that have nothing to do with your stepdad but with YOU). Then say you feel hurt that she would call out how long your dad has been dead as though the length means you love him less–that you are fully capable of loving your dad and stepdad at the same time, and while she may feel one way you are entitled to feel differently. Also say that you ran this all through with your stepdad.
Post # 15
I’m a MOB (and nana too!). Would it help if SDad gave her a call and had a chat with her? Sounds like she is going off on her own tangent here and he probably has no idea she was going to do this. If you were my SDD and my mom did this, I’d be happy to chat with ol’Mom and straighten a thing or two out. Your SDad sounds like a nice guy – would you feel comfortable asking him to chat with her?
Post # 16
@mallo: I agree with you. This is something you feel strongly about and you shouldn’t have to cave because of the expectations of one person. Your nana doesn’t get to decide that you need to get over your dad not being there and put your stepdad in his place. It’s not about how much your stepdad has done for you. If anything, I would have stepdad speak to her about it but beyond that just ignore the tantrum.