Post # 1
Like the title says, my in-laws are requesting grandparent alone time with my 1.5 MONTH old baby.
We went over to visit a few days before thanksgiving and my FIL and MIL kept asking us if we had anything better to do and requested that we (husband and I) leave, leaving the baby alone with them. It went on all evening until I told them politely that we came to visit them, not have them as babysitters, and that if I left, my baby was coming with me – and I am exclusively breastfeeding.
The day before TG they found out we were going shopping for the food we needed to prepare for the next day and called to request us to drop our baby off with them – they live 30 minutes away from our house – while we shopped. Um, no. My husband told them no, but welcomed them to come watch the baby at our house and they refused.
Finally, on Thursday, my FIL texted us beforehand and requested we bring our baby before everyone else arrived so he could have him to himself. He and MIL also mentioned that we are the only children in their family who don’t bring our child over 2-3 times a week to see his grandparents without the parents having to be there. This is not true, as others don’t visit that often. My FIL and MIL held the baby the entire evening and refused (really said “no”) every time my husband would ask to hold our baby, unless I was breastfeeding. As soon as they would see me finish the session, one of them would request to have the baby back.
Anyway. I am at lost. I know I am to be greatful someone is willing to watch our baby. And, I am. However, my husband and I also need to set boundaries with them. I don’t want to disrespect them either.
Is all of this normal and I am the crazy one? Do you have any experience with this? How did you deal with this?
Post # 2
No, this is not normal. In fact, it raises all sorts of red flags. Don’t go along with it. Do not leave the baby alone with them.
Post # 4
mrsvc : NOT NORMAL, Just wanted to say it in all caps to really emphasize that. My MIL is a little pushy but she never requests alone time with my daughter and my daughter is the only granddaughter she has. She respects our boundaries. I think your in laws are too pushy and you need to keep up with the no on the alone time. M ake sure your husband stays with you on the no alone time. Being a united front is what you need.
Post # 5
Thank you. I really needed an outside perspective because it’s causing issues between us and them, and sometimes between us only. My husband supports me, but I know he also wants to please his parents in some way or another.
I love and trust them, but my child can’t speak for himself, yet.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Get yourself over to DWIL now. The ladies there will give you excellent advice. Also, see your in laws much much much less.
Post # 7
mrsvc : I’m a little confused as to why PPs think this raises red flags. Do you think that your in laws will harm the baby? Make a human sacrifice? Sexually or physically abuse the baby?
If yes, stay the hell away. If not, I think you are overreacting. The in laws probably want to help you out and want to play with their precious grandchild without having to deal with your overprotective new mother vibe.
Give it a few months and you’ll be a lot less reluctant to leave the baby with them.
Post # 8
One or two offers would be different. What they are doing is incredibly rude and disrespectful. No means no.
You are not obligated to leave your baby with anyone, even if everyone else was actually doing it. You don’t need to give excuses but if it makes it easier, a “Oh no I couldn’t bear to part with her, haha.” should at least ease any tension.
This would give me anxiety for sure. Please stand your ground. Baby comes first and you have strong maternal instincts for a reason. It could be perfectly great but the fact that they are being disrespectful of you as parents is alarming.
Post # 9
Considering your little ones age this is way overbearing. Yes they can offer and it’s great that they love the little one that much but not at the expense of the mother and at such a young age. Most kids that age can only be babysat for very short periods of time and it’s not very convenient to leave them with someone if they don’t go to your place. Eg they go to your place and while little one naps you get groceries if you want them to babysit. You shouldn’t say anything other than “thanks for the offer but I’ll let you know when it’s best to babysit her” rinse and repeat and offer chips. Your fiancé needs to have a stern discussion with them saying baby’s at that age don’t need to be babysat away from their parents and not for significant amounts of time to boot. That if tou guys need their assistance both will ask when you guys feel she is ready for that stage. Let him be the “bad guy”
Post # 10
Your baby, your rules. If you don’t want to leave baby with anyone most certainly don’t.
Are they being overbearing? Yeah, probably. I guess I don’t get the alarm everyone else has seeing red flags? Is there some legit reason you think they are looking to intentionally harm your baby? I see it as two eager grandparents who are excited about the new baby and getting to spend some time together. Obviously I don’t know these people so I can only go by perception.
I think the biggest issue is that we are in such a generation divide right now. The ways of the older generation and are phasing out as younger people are having kids. Parenting is WAY different these days. The mentality that baby never leaves your sight ever is very different than how many of our parents were raised. Leaving your children with your parents used to be a pretty normal thing, even at a young age. It’s only in the pst 10-15 years we’re seeing a rise in a change of parenting where grandparents literally do nothing.
I would venture to say it’s a generation difference where your ILs aren’t accustomed to not being allowed to keep your baby. I could be way off base here but I would imagine that their feelings are probably hurt like you don’t trust them.
Post # 11
Sounds like they just want to spoil their grandchild. Is this their first grandchild? Considering the child’s age. I would just say thank you but due to BFing the baby is to be with us. Once the child is older then sure why not.
Post # 12
They say no when your husband asks for HIS baby? That is not okay. If they refuse to hand the baby back when asked then they shouldn’t be given the baby in the first place. Start saying no when they ask to hold him and let them know why.
And keep saying no to any of thier requests that you are uncomfortable with. This is your child. It doesn’t matter what thier other children do or do not do they are not the parent of your child.
Post # 13
I personally think it’s totally weird. Why are they so insistent that you LEAVE the baby? Why isn’t bringing the baby to visit good enough? The alone time part is odd to me. Offering is polite but they are damn near insisting. When my babies were 6 weeks old I was barely leaving the house or wanting visitors. I was in a pajama clad, sleep deprived, breast feeding, Mombie like state. I didn’t let ANYONE watch my kids, for any amount of time, until after 6 month or so because that’s when I was comfortable. My family got over it and they will too. It sounds like you need to really have a talk with them.
Post # 14
It’s weird. I am a new (first-time) grandmother. I love seeing and holding that baby. I also want to give her BACK to her mama when she shits or cries. I’ve been waiting my whole adult life to be able to do that soooooo…no, seems odd to me.
Post # 15
I guess I don’t see what’s so weird about them wanting to watch their grandchild. Yes, they’re being annoying but I left my son solo with both of his grandmothers before he was a month old. If you’re not comfortable with doing so just continue to decline.