(Closed) "Grass is Greener Syndrome" or Legitimate Deal-Breakers??

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know. Only you can decide if you can/want to tolerate his outbursts, however frequent they are. If they scare you, that’s probably not a good sign. And him breaking things doesn’t sound right either. But I know that I have a temper and when I pitch a fit, FI just rolls his eyes. Granted, I don’t break things or speak abusively to those around me. I guess it just depends on what you want your future to be like.

ETA – The driving dangerously part is scary too. You should drive when you two go somewhere together, and don’t take no for an answer.

Post # 4
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

I think that it’s quite alarming how he reacts to things that upset him, and it’s not a healthy relationship if he’s constantly breaking things in your home because the printer isn’t working or whatever else is seriously not a big deal. That said, I don’t think it’s grounds to end anything on quite yet. Talking to a counselor who specializes in anger management issues is absolutely essential, though. There’s such a stigma against therapy in our society and it’s really hindering the progress that a lot of people could make in their own lives. He doesn’t have to tell anyone he’s seeking help, you don’t have to go with him if that would make him uncomfortable, but I would try to at least get him on the phone with someone and let him get all his “How can you help me? Why is this worth it?” questions out of the way.

Also, not working nor looking for work for two and half years is also a red flag that I think should be addressed sooner rather than later… That long without a job, if he waits until he’s out of savings to look for one, it might be tough for him to get back into the swing of things in a mandatory work environment. It could exacerbate his frustration issues depending on how much he likes his industry… Not to mention employers are going to want to know what he did for the last two and a half years, because “because I didn’t have to” is a pretty weak interview question answer.

Post # 5
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m no expert, but it sounds like he has a case of something, and it needs to be diagnosed and treated.  You’ll all be happier and safer.  

Several years back I also was having issues, and I didn’t want to go to a counselor.  I just don’t like them.  But I went to my general practitioner and told him what was going on and he prescribed something for me.  After a year, when my life was looking a lot brighter, the doc helped wean me off the medication.  I wouldn’t define myself as a pill-popper, and I’m not recommending pills over counseling, but they very much helped me through a rough patch of my life.  After some time on medication, your guy may be more willing to seek counseling.

Best of luck, OP.  I hope this gets resolved so you can be happy and content EVERY day.

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

How would you feel if you had a girlfriend whose SO reacted this way in public? Would you be scared or embarrassed for her? Or what happens if/when you two have a baby, and the baby bothers him up, breaks something, or spits up on something he likes? Would that send him over the edge? Would he go off on the baby or you? What if your child grew up learning that’s how people solve their problems, and has anger issues too? Could you live with it?

I don’t mean to minimize his or your problems, but right now your guy isn’t dealing with too much stress it seems. He doesn’t have a job, nor is he actively looking, and he is already this angry. What if he gets a stressful job?

Personally, this is something that I couldn’t live with. This, to me, is a legitimate deal breaker.

Post # 7
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@GoldfishPie:  all of this! What would the future hold?

Post # 8
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like he needs anger managment classes.

Post # 9
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Personally, this is a dealbreaker for me. Don’t marry this man until this behavious STOPS. He needs serious long term counselling. Nobody wants to be married to the Hulk.

Post # 10
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You will get a lot of he needs counseling responses but my experience has taught me that counseling rarely fixes things when done soley to keep an SO. If he doesn’t see the issue or see the need to change he won’t change, at least not really. He might clean it up for a while like he has in the past but his true colors will start to show again. To me this is a dealbreaker, my gut tells me that the man is putting up a front for you and should you ever marry him things would get really bad really fast.  There are simply way to many red flags here chica. My advice is to move on. There are many many great guys out therebut you will never find one til you cut this one free. The fact that you even posted this tells me that you are serious doubts about him. Listen to your gut and RUN. Never second guess yourself when it comes to men. If you get the least whiff of danger run. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t shy away from counseling because he KNOWS he has mental illness. No job, anger issues, ability to put up a front, sweet one minute and nasty the next. Chica there are a ton of things that tick me off too but I  don’t break things because of it.

Post # 11
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Is this the environment you want a child of yours to grow up in? Living in fear of Daddy’s rages and physical destruction?

Post # 12
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My ex H had much the same problem.  He is the classic spoilt only child, who didn’t react well when he entered the adult world and realised that he would have to share with others, wouldn’t necessarily come first…basically, when he realised that the world did not revolve around him.

When we were dating, he regularly used to lose his temper and storm out, over the slightest thing.  Once, he left me in a restaurant with a bill that I couldn’t pay because they accidentally bought him the non-vegetarian option.  To this day, I can still remember how upset and humiliated I felt, sat there with tears pouring down my cheeks as he ranted and raved and then left.  Everyone in the place was looking at me.  A couple at the next table were so horrified they paid the bill for me…

On New Years Eve 2000, he urinated on my front door as I didn’t want to go out drinking at 3am…he even spat at me once during an argument.  I lost count of the number of phones he destroyed, throwing them across the room…

Like you, I thought that because 95% of the time he was fine, it would be something that he would ‘grow’ out of.  I was wrong.  After 12 years I couldn’t stand it any longer and left.   

My now FI gets angry, and then gets over it.  He knows how to apologise – something my ex could never do.  I never feel scared of my FI when he gets angry.   

If your FI won’t get help, this won’t improve.  I can guarantee it. 

Post # 13
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

oh… my heart hurts for you.  this is not easy for you…. we can tell…. and we know your heart is burdened by all this.  I am not a counselor, but I highly recommend them.  but you can’t make him go.  but if *you* have the opportunity to go, I would.  they give a lot of good insight.

the fact that you grew up with anger in the family and are now in a relationship with a “rager”… then there is something in you that attracted you to him, and vice versa.

I was in a marriage with a person who got REALLY angry.  He did not physically hurt me… and (here’s where it’s a little different than your situation) his outbursts were directed towards me. i stayed married to him (we were married at 20) for 8 years, defending him and telling others, “well, he’s not beating me”  but the rage, outbursts of anger, hurtful words, and  neglect scarred me for life.  now *I* go to a counselor because emotional scars stick with us much longer than the physical.  we did the whole deal…. “I’m so sorry, i’ll change” and he was good for a bit… then he went right back to it.  unless they seek true help, they’ll have a very hard time to change.  I don’t want to say “never”… but it’s very hard to change on their own without help from outside parties (counseling, support groups, etc). 

we have 3 kids… and that is when my perspective changed.  1) I don’t want his anger to be taken out on the kids…. EVER!  and 2) I don’t want that kind of example around the kids, lest they grow up to be just like him. 

we’ve been divorced 12 years. 

also, it has helped me to put myself in another’s shoes…. imagine you have a close girlfriend who you simply adore and is the sweetest person…. and you see her boyfriend acting like this…. what would *you*  advise *her* to do? 

deep in your heart… search there.  🙂  and again… so sorry you’re going through this turmoil……

Post # 14
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

even if he has adequate savings, why isn’t he looking for work? Does he realize how difficult it’ll be to explain a 2.5 year or more gap in his work history? that alone would turn me off. he has a crappy work ethic. 

his tanturms would make me crazy. it sounds like the two month break worked a bit in the past. if he is unwilling to see a counselor, then mabe you need to leave again and only agree to come back if/when he has received professional help. forever is a very long time to deal with that crap. throwing a computer is incredibly over the top. driving erratically is potentially deadly. flipping out is emotionally exhausting. he needs to change and maybe leaving is the only way to get him to seek help.

Post # 15
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Baal:  what painful experiences.  so sorry!!  and yet, so glad you’re out of that relationship.  isn’t it amazing to finally be in a healthy relationship and see what it’s supposed to be like?  My fiance also gets angry (we all do) and then he gets over it.  He’s man enough to apologize.  he’s truly a gentle-man.  but going through what I went through with a rager helped me realize what i DON’T need in a man… and what to look for.  it helped me see with better vision….

Post # 16
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Baal:  He is the classic spoilt only child

Um, not to go too far OT, but that is not “classic” only-child behavior. Sheesh.

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