Gravely ill grandfather/husband and new job. what would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ChellFish22:   I’m so sorry about your grandpa and that you have to struggle with this during the holidays (well anytime, of course…but its always harder during the holidays).  I have lost both of my grandmothers, my paternal grandfather, and my great uncle that was like another grandfather.  My grandfather had cancer, and when it got bad I went to visit him in Colorado and stayed until he had passed.  And my uncle I would go drive every weekend to be with him in the hospital.  I don’t think this is a decision anyone except you can make.  I think you should go and spend time with him while you can.  It isn’t always easy to stay until the very end…it was very hard watching my uncle get worse and worse until he was just a shadow of the man I knew and grew up with.  If he is at the point where he won’t know you are there, for some people it will be easier to not watch him degress, so you don’t always have that picture in your head….I think only you will know if you are ready to leave him or not.  Can you go spend time there and then make your decision? I know it would be more expensive…but what happens if you decide you are going to leave and then change your mind/vice cersa?  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  ::hugs::

Post # 4
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think I would go home, be with my husband, and take care of the job situation. I’m sure your mother is right. Staying with them is not really for your grandpa if his mind is going; it’s for you. There’s nothing wrong with that, but being with your husband when your grandfather passes and having employment might actually help you with your grief more than staying with him until the end without your spouse and losing that job opportunity.

I say this from the perspective of someone who never really knew her grandparents, though, so I may not be the best person for advice.

Whatever you decide, I am sorry for your loss.

Post # 5
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

This is from a MOB’s POV.  I’m also a Nana but my g’kids are ages 5-12 so a bit younger than you.

As I think of them and you in your situation this is what I come up with.  If I were in your grandfather’s condition and one of my g’kids was just married and had a terrific job opportunity MORE THAN ANYTHING I would want them to be with their husband and to secure a good future.  I can’t imagine your dear grandfather would want any less for you.

Kudos to you for your dedication and love towards him.  Kudos to your new husband for being so supportive.  Your heart is definitely in the right place but you need to secure your future and start building your married life.

You have given g’pa an entire lifetime of love and great memories.  If he loves you half as much as you seem to love him (and I’m feeling that he certainly does), he does not want you to jeopardize any of that to be with him.  I would be devastated to know that my g’kids were giving up an excellent opportunity to spend my last days with me.  

Life will go on, your life will go on, and you will always have his love in your heart.  Return that love by building your beatiful life now as a shining memory of him.  

You really need to do this.

Post # 6
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

To start, there is NOTHING about wanting your grandfather to pass so he can be comfortable and pain free that is horrible, it’s completely selfless to feel that way. So many people want their loved one’s to just hold on a little bit longer so they dont have to say goodbye, but sometimes that loved one really just needs to go. It doesn’t mean you love your grandfather any less or WANT him to actually die. Big hugs to you and your family. I lost my grandfather last fall and it was very difficult. 

I wish I had an answer for you on what to do but I don’t. Thing is, I agree with your mom and I DISagree with her. I do think that even if your grandfather is not lucid, he knows who is and is not there by the sound of your voice. He can hear you if you talk to him. He knows you love him, he knows you are there. Because of this, he also knows when you are saying goodbye. 

I don’t know what I would do as far as Christmas goes. But I at least would not let this job slip through your fingertips. This is where I agree with your mother, your grandfather would want you to live your life, and not lose such a great opportunity for yourself to sit by his bed side. Especially if he has other care takers there. Can you not get the physical from where you are now? Does it have to be by someone specific?

I don’t envy you and your decision. But just know that he knows you are there, and he knows you love him, and it’s OK to say goodbye and go home before he has actually passed away.

Post # 7
7019 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ChellFish22:  Job first. Fly home xmas eve. And even your parents understand it’s best you do that, it seems.

I’ve lost all 4 of my grandparents and it’s never easy, but life must go on. You have already spent quality time with your grandfather. Do not risk a job opportunity for the sake of one week more. This might sound harsh, but you will lose your other grandparents one day (if you haven’t already), and you can’t keep a bedside vigil for each one. Besides, you don’t know how long he’ll hang on for. It could be weeks.

Post # 8
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@hermom:  +1000

I don’t have kids but I know my grandparents want more than anything for us to do well in life. You have the chance to say goodbye, which will hurt, but I think it’s absolutely what your grandfather would want – to say goodbye and then for you to be with your husband setting yourselves up for the future, especially since you have worked so hard for this opportunity to materialise.

Hugs to you, OP xo

Post # 9
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with the PPs. You need to make the decision based on what you really feel is right for you. My grandma passed away in April and it was the hardest thing Ive ever had to deal with. It carried on for DAYS and I left work 3 seperate times when my dad thought it was the end. Thank GOD my boss is a saint and didnt penalize me for leaving. I also know though, that my grandma would have whooped my A$$ if she could for leaving work, but I couldnt picture myself not being there. Hugs to you and your family during this difficult time!

Post # 11
1425 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation! *hugs*

I may be missing something, so please correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m confused: Your employer said “the end of January may be too late,” yet you’d be back by New Year’s Eve, which is before January even begins. Wouldn’t you still be able to do the physical? If not, have you explained the situation to your employer? Maybe they would be understanding and let you do it later. I miss my grandparents every day and would give anything to have even one more moment with them.

Post # 13
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really think you should go. Your grandfather would undoubtedly want you to go on living your life, and to be happy and successful. It sounds like this job will make that happen.

He won’t be alone, he just won’t be with you. I hope that doesn’t sound uncaring, because I certainly don’t mean for it to, but you’ve already put your life on hold, and given up a lot to be with him. Going home for a few days may be “selfish”, but you have already done so much. He knows you love him and care. Trust me.

Post # 14
1425 posts
Bumble bee

When you spoke with them, did you tell them about your grandfather? Did they give you a deadline of when the appointments needed to be completed? I would try to stay, as long as they’re OK with it.

Post # 15
3342 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@ChellFish22:  Work on getting securing your job. Christmases come along every year.

You’ve seen and said goodbye to your grandfather.

Post # 16
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You need to be able to live with whatever you decide- but I agree with PP’s that your grandfather wouldn’t want you to miss an opportunity you’ve been working so hard for. He knows how much you love him- I’m sure And whilst it would be ideal to be with him at the end, you cannot  discount sacrificing your family’s financial security as you have responsibilities there as well 🙂 much love x x x

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