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I'm of the mindset that if it works for both of you and it doesn't seem to bother him, then there is nothing wrong with it.
I'm am not a domestic person at all. I hate to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. DH does most of the laundry, cooking and dishes. We'll both clean. There are weeks I help out more and some I help out less. If he's making dinner I'll often help out and do the sidedish or something like that, so I don't feel too lazy.
DH has never said anything to me about cooking more, etc. So while our situation may not work for everyone, it works for us. And that's all that matters.
I think you should have an honest and open conversation with your FI ask him if he is ok with the cleanliness of the house and with how often you cook or don't cook. If he is ok with the statis quo then if its not broke don't fix it. But make sure that he is being honest and not just saying that its ok to make you happy, let him know that you are opened to hearing his honest opinion. If he says that he feels that you don't do your fair share than maybe you need to start doing more.
I don't believe we are still living in a society where the little wife runs around after her man, has dinner on the table as soon as he walks in the door and pampers to his every need.
I do cook dinner, but only cause my other half can't (so he claims HA). But everything else we share. He works fulltime days during the week, and I work part time nights spread out across the week and weekend. Normally while he is at work I am looking after the kids and will potter around the house doing things here and there. Then the opposite is true while I am at work. Then of a weekend we will also spend time where we both do housework together, and actually we have some great coiversations while doing it.
And im my opinion, that makes a great relationship. A shared household, a shared resposnibility. I am grateful to be sharing my life with someone who will pitch in. Because the past relationship I lived in if I didn't do it it never got done. He never moved away from his computer. No wonder that relationship died a painful death.
I think these days ever couple find their own norm for they day to day routine. If you are worried maybe yyou can have a talk to him to see how he feels about it, And from there make a plan to share the load. Open communication can never be a bad thing. :)
@Firie: I agree with everything you said. FI and I are living together and have been for a few years. He works full-time days and I work full-time nights. We share all the household responsibilities. Some weeks one of us will do more than the other, but we never except one person to do the bulk of things all the time. It works well for us and there haven't been any complaints. :)
@Firie: I completely agree. Your 'wifely duty' is to do half of the chores or to find a way that works for you guys to split them. Don't feel bad about yourself just because you're not acting like a 1950s housewife!
If you feel like you should be doing it.. then do it. And not just because it's "duty" but b/c you feel like your FI deserves to have that done for him with the work & effort he puts in throughout the home and relationship.
You two should definitley discuss what's to be expected throughout marriage and the parts you each will play.. household chores, maintaining the cars, yard, fixing things, dinner, etc.
DH and I used the book Preparing for Marriage... it has 2 worksheets in the 1st chapter that covers 1. Personal History & 2. Great Expectations. I recommend it to EVERYONE so that you can be sure to be on the same page about all the things that make up a marriage. =)
You sound JUST like me... but he knew that before he proposed so he doesn't expect anything more... lol. Lucky me.
Like pp stated, it is a matter of what works for the two of you. He may prefer to cook and do the laundry. You may prefer to take out the trash and mow the lawn. What I would be careful of is allowing things to become unbalanced. Things don't necessarily have to be 50/50. If 60/40 is agreed upon that is cool too. But, if your SO begins to see things as him doing most/all of the chores and work and you not doing them and spending more time relaxing, he may eventually become resentful.
It all depends on how you two interact. There are no "wifely" duties really. At least not in my mind. I cook...I love to cook, so I cook. And FI cleans. Both of us work full time jobs. I used to clean more....then I got a bit lazy hah, but it's never been an issue. When you first move in together it's all about finding a routine. Just have a conversation with your FI about chores and what you think you both should do. Honestly, my FI wants a very clean house, where I'm kinda eh, but he knows that about me, so if wants it to look super clean, he helps clean more. But we've lived together for more than 3 years now, so it's routine. Don't feel badly that you're not living up to preconceived notions of what a wife is "supposed" to be, but instead figure it out with your FI.
I was never of the mind set that I wanted to worry about doing the cleaning or tending the kids so he can get extra sleep or cooking and all of that. However, once we moved in together I changed for some reason. He works various shifts and mine is steady. I do what I can in the evenings but I also like to relax. I cook probably 4 to 5 times a week. If he's working til 11pm (his latest shift) I try to throw something together and in the crockpot when I get home so that he has a hot meal waiting for him. I do try to straighten up the house before he gets home because I know he works hard. But, that's just me.
He does the same for me though, like today he is off so the kids stayed home with him instead of going to the sitters. I can almost say for certain he will have done some laundry and the dishes before I get home.
So, we work as a team. But, I know, in my mind that I want to have things as tended to as possible before he gets home, because I feel like he's had enough stress at work. But, that's just me.
Communication is the key!
If your current arrangement works for you, then who cares about expectations?
Were I in your shoes, though, I would make very sure your FI doesn't feel resentful of having to work full time and take on the lion's share of the domestic chores. The fact that you don't care about a particular element of the house or don't feel like dealing with a given task after work isn't really a good enough reason to just leave it for your overworked spouse if you know it's important to him or her.
My husband is, for 9 months out of the year, a student. I work full time. There are things he does during the week that I know he'd rather not and probably wouldn't if he lived alone (sweeping and swiffering, anyone?) because they matter to me and we live together and the fact that I'm the one who cares about that kind of thing shouldn't mean I'm the only one responsible for them. He's my spouse, for god's sake, not a roommate.
@sweetdee124: I felt like I could have written this post - up until the part about your FI doing the work you don't! Around here, if I don't do something, it just doesn't get done. But I'm in the same boat in that my job is much more laidback than FI's and I only work part time, but I still have very little energy to do all the household stuff when I get home. I don't really feel like I'm a bad wife-to-be, though, because I still do plenty, even when I don't feel like it. And I'll do little things for FI to surprise him when he gets home - like doing his laundry sometimes (which he is supposed to do himself) or baking a surprise batch of cookies, and I know he appreciates these things. He's not exactly the perfect husband-to-be so I think it evens out. Heh.
I love to cook, I don't mind laundry or washing dishes but I HATE to clean! FH knows this. I work FT and pay bills, IMO, I am not responsible for all the cleaning simply because I am a female!
I have OCD/panic disorder, so when Mr. Tattoo first moved in with me and didn't have a job, he would clean up and try to make dinner. He has learned to just not do it because I always go over everything again anyway. It sucks, because he tries to help, but I worry it's not clean enough or it wasn't done in the right order. Even our hampers are colored coded and put in alphabetical order in the laundry area.
He does cook sometimes and he takes care of the trash and outside things. Oh, and he always has the bed made when I come home. For some reason I like relaxing on a made bed.
We just recently moved in together and I've been cooking and keeping the house clean, but so has he. I enjoy laundry, actually. It's no big deal to me. However, I hate sweeping. So he's been handling that, and all of the outside cleanup, etc.
You shouldn't feel bad by not doting on him. I think there should be a balance.
I feel like he knows you and your ways, and still wants to marry you. Obviously he can't be too upset about it.
I feel bad b/c my husband works and I don't, yet he always ends up doing most of the work around here. It's due to medical issues, I get migraines often so I just can't do anything. And now I'm 8 months preggo so it's harder for me to do simple things like laundry, and unpack all the boxes in our new house. And I worry that once the baby comes I'll be so busy that I won't be able to get back to my old ways of cooking and cleaning. But he understands, it's just life.
Wow talk about sterio typing yourself!! What you feel that just because your a wife you should be doing the laundry and doing the cooking? Being married is a team!!
Just because your a female and there are sterio typical things that society puts on us does not mean you have to do them.
Talk to your Fi/Hubby and divvy up the house chores. If you both know where you stand on that stuff then it will get done quicker than if you just leave it as is. But do not feel that you are supposed to be doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry just because your the wife. Heck NO!
Team work you are equals in this relationship!!
Have a open conversation with him about the chores and divvy them up. Maybe he does not mind doing the laundry but hates washing up? You do one he does the other etc.
@Miss Tattoo: Color coded hampers?!!! lol aww he makes up the bed for you...that is so cute!
You ladies are totally right. Maybe I was just caught up on being a stereotypical wife. I will talk to him about it and put in a little more effort to consider him as well.
I think being a traditional "wife" is not practical for a couple in which both parties are working. If you and your FI both have full time jobs, then there is no reason why you should be doing all the cooking, chores, and housekeeping.
That being said, it sounds like things are a little unbalanced now. Optimally you should be splitting chores exactly equally, since you are both breadwinners.
For example, FI and I alternate cooking nights every night. We also do our own laundry (no way is he touching my clothes, lol!), we each clean a bathroom, he will do the vacuuming while I mop, he cleans the windows while I dust, etc.
If you are feeling terrible about how unbalanced the household chores are, then you should probably try to sit down with your FI and try to work out a fairer schedule or plan so that you are both on the same page!
Ya'll need to talk. No offense but I think you should do more of the chores, cook, clean, laundry because you said yourself that your FI works long hours and his job is stressfull. The last thing I would want my FI worrying about is going home to make a meal, or clean. I dunno but thats just me. We have 2 lttle kids 4 and 2 and both work full time jobs. I cook, clean, and do all the laundry. YEs he helps me out with cleaning the kitchen up after meals, and helps me clean parts of the bathroom but I do the majority of the house hold chores. We own a house also so he does all the stuff outside, like cutting the grass. Also my FI had brain surgery last year so up until a few months ago I took care of everything.
As one poster said if YOU feel you are not doing what you should then change your habits. What anyone else thinks matters little as you have to live with yourself and feel good about it.
Some women care, others don't, some believe in half and half, it is a subjective thing. Different cultures also play into it, I am Irish-Italian (very old school) and my fiance is Greek (again very old school). If the house was a mess the families would view it as my fault, if he was always cooking I'd be seen as a "bad" future wife. The way I have been raised, domestics are my job (despite working outside the home) and if he cooks even twice a month I feel overwhelming guilt. I pack for him and pick out his clothes, lol, but that is how WE like it.
Be true to yourself, don't stress but do have a serious talk with your fiance AND don't just have the talk once. He may not feel resentful now but as time goes by things change so keep the lines of communication open. If you both know what you expect of the other and you are both of one mind then life is beautiful!
I was in your exact same boat. My husband and I lived together for almost 3 years before we got married and we felt fine about the household chores. Once we got married, though, I would routinely beat myself up over not being a good "wife". It was ridiculous - I would cry if dinner wasn't ready for him when he got home or if I forgot to go to the grocery store after work, but I never did any of those things *before* we got married. It's wierd how the word "wife" can make you change your expectations, even if you never thought that would happen.
For me, there was an underlying issue of feeling like I really wasn't living up to being an equal member of the household and trying to overcompensate by being the "perfect wife". It was driving my husband crazy, too. I figured out that I did need to contribute more and made plans to do so. It's been 1.5 years since we got married and I can still struggle with wanting "me" time instead of doing dishes, but I work at it because it's the right thing for our relationship.
Like most PPs said, talk with your fiance about his feelings/expectations/needs and see where that leads you. And if you do decide to set a goal and make changes, know it's okay to go slowly. (I started by assigning myself specific nights to make dinner each week, which evolved into making a weekly meal-plan so I could make dinner any night depending on our schedules, which I hope will lead into just making dinner on any day regardless if I planned it or not.) I know your husband will appreciate your self-awareness and concern for your relationship. Good Luck!
I agree with others. It isn't your responsibility to everything, but it is your responsibility to pull your weight. It doesn't seem fair to have your FH come home from a long strenuous day at work to cook, clean, and do laundry, while you kick back at a leisurely job and get home and watch him do the work. This has nothing to do with gender roles and everything to do with being equal partners in the relationship. Chances are, if it's bothering you, it is bothering him too, and he might not let you know until his frustrations boil over. If you know you aren't pulling your weight, be a good PARTNER and participate more.
@mowi322: Thank you so much for your input! Glad to hear from someone who was in the same exact position. I didn't do all these things before we became engaged and lived together. I do enjoy cooking but not a whole lot during the week. He always does laundry and I don't do it...but at the same time, I always clean the bathrooms, vacuum etc. So I guess its not really about dividing the chores but moreso that I feel bad for not cooking and "catering" to him like I should during the week esp since his job is stressful. Maybe i'm used to how I used to operate before we lived together ie come home, watch tv, cook when I felt like it, etc. But yea, I will communicate my thoughts to him and find a happy medium so I don't feel like such a non domestic wife during the week lol.
That's exactly how I felt. I was used to getting home from work, taking a nap, surfing the internet, and generally doing whatever I felt - which was almost never cooking & cleaning! Being a good partner is an ongoing thing that I'm still getting better at (now that I'm better at cooking & actually *like* it, I've moved on to trying to remember to take out the trash).
All you can do is honestly talk to your fiance, see what he feels is important, and do your best to figure out how to do it. It'll be difficult - I seriously lament my lack of internet usage these days - but I know I feel so proud of myself that I can show my husband how much I love & respect him by making sure to rinse my dishes before we go to bed. Haha, I just realized how much I sound like the stereotypical "man" in this relationship! I better go pick up my socks before he gets home 
Don't feel awful. I feel the same way. I work weird hours 10am to 6pm so i don't get home until later. I do things like clean the house and do the laundry but, usually he does the cooking. When you both work full time jobs i don't think a husband should also expect you do the whole house wife thing to.
Being a wife doesn't mean you have to sit around and cook and clean all day. You can be the exact same person you were before you got married, even if that means not cooking and cleaning.
I'm not crazy about cooking and hate cleaning and I'm still a wife.
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Do any of you ever feel like you are a great girlfriend but not a great wife or wife to be? I've been feeling that way a lot lately.
FI and I have been living together for the past 7 months and sometimes I feel like I don't do typical wifely things. He works long hours and his job is very stressful, my job on the other hand is laid back but a lot of days I come home not wanting to do much but just relax and call it a night without worrying about what to cook, do laundry, making sure the house is "presentable" etc.. But I should be wanting to cook dinner, making sure he is relaxed after a long day at work, asking if he is okay etc. Funny thing is he does all these things plus more. One household chore I hate THE MOST is doing laundry! I don't do it and he does it a couple times a week :( I usually cook dinner maybe 2 or 3 times a week and he usually cooks on the weekends. When he is hungry and I don't cook he usually says he doesn't mind and will just grab something on the way home. I feel like I should be doing more and "sucking it up" even if I am tired and don't feel like it. Can any of you ladies relate?
I've read some posts on here about how some of you clean up the house, cook nightly dinners, do laundry, and all these other wifely things and I feel awful :0