great guy but does not work out because of family? Break up or hang in ?? Help!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lowesflower:  I would not want to move in with my entire in-law family either, so this is definitely a tough situation.  However, it is one you knew existed when you said yes, so breaking up right now seems a bit over zealous. 

I give your FI props for stepping up to the plate, and helping his parents.  I would say, as a lot of men are the same way, not stepping on his sister’s toes is because he probably has too much to deal with, and does not need one more ‘headache’.

With that said, I think your opinions (as an outsider looking in) are valid, and very ‘sensical’.  Of course she SHOULD be paying more, and contributing more, and at the very least keeping the living space CLEAN.  However, I think in living there with them all, your opinions will become more ‘valid’.  You will be in it, and so, if/when you look at the budget, and realize you guys are spending wayyyy more, and cleaning wayyy more, then working with your FI to rectify it will be important. 

This is where you need to have the conversation NOW regarding boundaries, time lines, expectations, etc.  If you do this, then you need to know HE has your back, that you two are in this together, and definitely working toward building a future together.  In doing so, the expectation for living as one big happy family is X amount of time, and then you will want a home together, with just you two.  And finally, you are not going to be anybody’s cook, maid, or ATM.  If you are going to co-habitate with roommates, then I think it is fair everyone pitches in!

Oh, and PS, his sister probably has  common sense, but since your FI has maybe enabled her quite a bit, she is using her common sense by not pushing him out the door with you.  I.e., your FI is accountable, and capable for making his own decisions!!  Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

Your position is a tough one to be in.  Let me just say, I would not hold your breath hoping your FSIL and daughter will be the bigger person and do the right thing by leaving your FI’s home.  If anything, they will most likely raise all holy hell if any changes are made to their living situation.  I absolutely agree with the previous bee, your FI has enabled his sister WAY too long and her bad behavior is a result of coddling her too much.  

If I were you, I’d definitely have a serious discussion with your FI.  I definitely would not move into your FI’s home until you both reach a compromise and have some FIRM boundaries in place about your FSIL and his parents (but mainly your FSIL).  The reason why I’m saying that is, your FI is going to WANT you to move in with him and be close, so I would use that as leverage/encouragement for him to start really thinking about and get into his head that his living HAS to change before you enter the picture.  Just remember once you move into his home, it’s been my experience that men are less likely to make any changes once they’re comfortable and know you’re always going to be there.  Reiterate to him that the two of you will now be his main family unit, and even though he loves his family, his FIRST responsibility and priority should always be you and your relationship.  I would completely cut out any nagging or complaining about his sister, and instead, when he’s in a good mood tell him in a loving yet firm way that you are super excited & eager to begin your lives together, but you are uncomfortable and cannot live in a toxic environment with the FSIL and her daughter.  With that many women in this house, there are waayyy too many cooks in the kitchen.  The FSIL may try to establish that she’s the “alpha” and that your FI’s house is HER home and try to relegate you as a “guest” rather than you being his wife and joint owner of his home.  Don’t lose heart if your FI grumbles and puts up a tantrum about having to make any changes, this is super important that you yourself don’t cave in and settle for less than.  He’s gotten “comfortable” keeping the peace by letting his sister get away with a lot of crap, and it’s not going to be easy living in his home once he stirs the hornet’s nest and tells his sister she will have to move out.

Stay strong and positive my friend!  You knew going into this relationship the toxic living situation your FI has created in his home, so you know it’s not going to change overnight. Keep your head up and if you need any support you can always count on the Bee to be there for you! 

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