- 5 years ago
Okay, so my waiting day today started out great! I feel like I’ve been in a really great mindset about waiting lately… I’m really confident in my SO’s committment to me, and I’m totally sure we’re going to get married, and lately I’ve been less focused on “when” and I’ve just been trying to enjoy my relationship…
This morning started out great… my SO has to work late tonight, and I work late tomorrow, so during my break from work today we met up for a lunch date… it was great, we got barbeque and beer and were just having a great time. Our 1 year dating anniversary is coming up on August 1st, and both of our birthdays aren’t long after, so we were having fun talking about that, and just being cute. He knows the present that I want (the ring, duh) but he also knows I’m patient. I wear a fake diamond star of david pendant every day, and lately he’s been joking that he’s just going to get me a fancier one instead of a different piece of bling, and during lunch he was being like “I don’t know which star of david I’m going to get you, but I’ve been looking at tons of different ones online, but I’ve been clearing my search history so you won’t find out” and I was really happy! Even if he’s not actually shopping for rings yet, he kind of “gets” the process, and that’s enough for me. So that was all great, and I was feeling very happy.
After lunch we had a little time to kill so we went back to his place, and I got a call from my roommate/landlord saying that he had trouble cashing the money orders I gave him for my rent for the past few months (it’s a money order, so it’s not like a bounced check, it’s just like dumb bank red tape) and that made me really upset. I started crying, just over the stress, and my SO was really pushing me, being like “what’s wrong? it can’t JUST be the money order thing” and I finally caved and admitted that I’m sick of having my own place, and paying rent every month on an apartment I barely use. My SO just like SHUT DOWN, he wasn’t nice and comforting, he just got defensive and left for work, leaving me feeling super upset and vulnerable.
I’m just hurt. He and I are TOTALLY on the same page about everything (even marriage) except for living together. I felt ready months ago, and he’s not ready and doesn’t know when he’ll be. Honestly, he’ll talk way more concretely about getting married than he will about living together. I try really hard to be okay with it, and not pressure him… but it definitely is something that upsets me.
Some info about me… I’m THE OPPOSITE of a homebody… I’ve always considered home a place to sleep, and that’s it… I was that way when I was single, and I’m still that way now. I work several jobs, and I’m a standup comedian so I’m always out at open mics or comedy shows. If we lived together pretty much NOTHING would change except our rent. Before we were together I barely spent any time at my place, and now that we’re together any “home” time (which isn’t much) is at his place. I know that he sees us officially living together as being more serious than being engaged, because he thinks that’s when our lives stop being separate… and I appreciate and respect that… but when things like this come up, i can’t help but feel a bit resentful that I’m keeping this expensive apartment that I never use. If I just put my stuff in storage he probably wouldn’t even notice!
And now I just feel shitty… I ONE MILLION PERCENT don’t want to pressure him, and want to only take “next steps” when he feels comfortable, but I can’t help occaisonally feeling sad that he tells me constantly that he’s sure he wants to spend “all eternity” with me, but won’t share a home with me yet.
Ugh, sorry for the long post. I love him, I just want to feel comfortable and not like I’m pressuring him.