Weddingbee boards

... and I only really post in the Babies board these days anyway, but the Hive has always been a good source of support for me, so hopefully no one will hold it against me if I just let it out here...

My brother Will died on October 8, 2009.  At least, we think he did.  That was the day he disappeared after leaving a Bruins game at the TD Garden in Boston during the first half.  He was on the phone with his girlfriend, Claire, who was in her car to pick him up.  Claire was in front of the Garden and asked him for the address of his location.  He gave it to her and she entered it into her GPS, then his cell phone's battery died.  She arrived at the address about two minutes later, and he was nowhere to be found.

My mom and I drove to Boston two days later, where we did interviews with detectives.  We had to identify him on surveillance video, where he was seen pacing outside the exit.  He wandered off camera at some point and didn't return to the area.  We spent an entire day doing back to back press interviews... we were even on Good Morning America.

Six days after he disappeared his body was found in the Charles River about a mile from the Garden.  The sound of the knock at our hotel room door and the lieutenant's voice telling my mother that they'd "found Will.. deceased.." followed by the sound of my mother screaming will be forever burned into my memory

This is a good summary of everything that happened:

http://footprintsattheriversedge.blogspot.com/2009/10/10809-william-hurley-boston-ma.html

(We still don't know what happened.  The cause/manner of death have not been determined.  We don't even know if he died on October 8 or after that date.  We don't know how long he was in the water.)

Planning his funeral was awful.  It had to be closed casket, which was devastating to my mother, and the insensitive funeral director suggested that if she didn't believe his advice, she could take a look at the body.  To save her the grief, my DH went in.  He still won't talk to me about what he saw, but he was pale and crying when he came out of the room.

Ever since the funeral I've been living in a perpetual state of denial because facing the emotions is too horrible.  Every time I try to dip a toe into really grieving I retreat because the pain and guilt is unbearable.  I have such guilt.  I was so angry at Will before he died because he made some unwise choices in the year preceding his death that lead to him not attending my wedding.  Even saying that is so hard that I'm weeping.  

I have no one I can talk to about this.  My DH is great, but I've talked about it so much with him that I can sense that he is weary of hearing me go over the same things over and over.  When I mention Will's name around friends their faces immediately change as if to say "Let's not go there."  I have this feeling that everyone wants me to get over it so that it won't be so uncomfortable for them any more. I don't know how to get over it, though.  I can't face the pain of grieving alone.

Whew, thanks for reading if you're still here.  I realize that I probably need to see a grief counselor or something.  I'm not really looking for any advice, I just needed to let that all off my chest.  Here is a picture of Will 3 weeks before he died, with his beloved cat.

I'm so sorry for you and your loved ones.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your family as well. I hope that in someway, somewere, somehow you find some resolution and peace that you deserve.  It'll be a long road, but you'll get there.  ((hugs))

oh wow, i remember reading about your brother in the news and tearing up at work. I could not even imagine. My heart breaks for your family and for your brother's gf. 

Definitely go and talk to someone, maybe it would help to go with your DH as well.

::::HUUUUUGS::::

I am so sorry... I know there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make the pain stop. You and your family are in my thoughts. ((hugs))

That is such a sweet picture of him with the little cat. :)

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. What a nightmare. I've lost a lot of people; I remember the shock of grief and the "haze" afterwards. I especially remember how hard it was to talk to anyone (when I said my father had been killed, one person said, "Oh." And he never said anything else!). My friends were much like yours; I think people just don't know how to handle the grieving.

It's a blessing that your DH is so supportive. I'm sorry; I know you don't want any advice... but I do second the recommendations to find a counselor or something to talk to; having an objective person to talk to can be very freeing, and they can offer a different perspective and help you see your way through all the pain, and it can seem less unbearable.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Please talk to someone.  I waited 14 years after the death of my father to speak to a professional about it (finally went at the urging of my fiance).  The insight gained in ONE session with a professional therapist helped me immensely, I wish I had done it years ago, I could have saved myself and those around me so much anguish.  Nothing is going to take away the pain of losing your brother, but talking to someone can give you the skills to cope with it and find some peace. 

I'm so sorry.

Something kind of similar happened to my dad in 2002. He went for a walk on the beach (so they say) and somehow died. We don't know how. Did he black out and hit his head? Did someone hit him in the head with something? We just don't know. I never talk about it and so writing it makes me cry. I really just wish I knew what happened.

But I am so, so sorry. Nothing like this should ever happen!

Thanks for the words of encouragement ladies.  I'm feeling much better this morning.  There is a support group that I'd like to go to, but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going with my baby... and DH doesn't get home from school until after it starts.  So I'm looking for alternatives.

MrsKtobe-- Thanks so much for your response.  Knowing that even one good thing came out of Will's death does brighten my day.  I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your brother.  I will always wish I'd had more time.