Post # 1
Hey ladies! I’m having an impossible time navigating my fiance’s emotional needs through this wedding planning process. We just got engaged and are getting married in 5 months. He is very excited to get married, and we’ve been together a long time. (7.5 years!) It is not a cold feet situation at all, but here’s what’s happening: At first when he was too busy with personal/family issues to invest much (any)mental energy in wedding planning, I ran with it on my own. He then expressed that he felt left out, and didn’t want me to take over planning and decisions without him. Now that I include him by keeping him informed of developments, soliciting his opinion, etc…I get responses by text (due to our opposite work schedules) that say things like “Thanks for sharing the info. A little too much wedding chatter. Is that bad?” I’m definitely not constantly talking to him about the wedding, but it’s only 5 mos away and we just started planning. There’s a ton to do, and fast. Anyone else have a fiance who acts allergic to planning and making decisions, but gets upset when left out? He’s wonderful and he’s my best friend, but WHAT THE HECK?!
Post # 3
@amyeb25: I would stick to talking to him about things he’s interested in as far as wedding planning like perhaps the music or the cake or food. When some brides get to talking about what color napkins or favors they should have some grooms can get easily overhwhelmed. Keep it short yet informative. Guys attention spans gets short when it comes to wedding planning!
Post # 4
Thanks for your response, Lindsey! I couldn’t agree more, and believe me- I wouldn’t dream of discussing things like napkin colors, favors, or even flower or dress colors with him. I KNOW he doesn’t care. The things that prompted his most recent “too much wedding chatter” comment to me were text messages letting him know that we are scheduled for a food tasting at our venue on 12/26, and asking him if he wants to do our invitations and other print collateral (he’s a graphic designer) or if he wants to outsource it. I questioned what would be most cost effective and told him when we’d need them done by. The day before I asked him about a DJ/music question and we made a decision. That’s about it. Drives me nuts…lol. I can’t win. He’s really upset and feels left out and unconsidered when I don’t involve him, but when I do, he rolls his eyes, grunts, or says “too much wedding talk”. What’s a girl to do?
Post # 5
@amyeb25: I think #1 is to make time for it when you’re in person, off the clock, etc. If you are texting him while he’s at work than he’s not allergic, he just needs to focus on his job first and foremost.
If I were you I would schedule “wedding catchup” times to sit down and tell him your updates. When you have questions or updates, write them down in a list. THen, you can bang it out all at once in person. Handling these conversations over text/email/chat etc is really not ideal, ever.
Post # 6
@Andthepupmakes3: I agree with this.
@amyeb25: My FI and I have started a “new” rititual. When we get home from work, we catch each other up on the day. This includes “Oh, this thing happened with the wedding.” The only thing I text him about at work are time sensative things. It really helps our personal communication too. We go over what updates we have from our parents (ie my cousin’s having a baby, or his will be out of town for the weekend) or work (what little we can share)
Post # 7
@Andthepupmakes3: I agree with this idea.
See if you can schedule a time and have a few topics that you need to get taken care of. You could do this once a week, that way you get the answers you need but he wont get overwhelmed by things or distracted while hes away.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Maybe ask him exactly what he wants to be included in? My DH said he was really only interested in rings, venue, and food. I did everything else.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
@amyeb25: Guys really don’t understand how much is involved in planning a wedding. Most engagements are a year just so planning isn’t too hectic! I had to explain to FH all the things that I need to make/think/plan before he understood just how much work is involved.
He says he wants to be involved but really I don’t think he wants to know every detail, most guys don’t. Just the big updates or decisions.
Post # 10
FI also wants to be kept in the loop and up to date on the ever changing options for this wedding so he at least knows what direction I am going and he can throw ideas in.
I am tempted to text him sometimes in the middle of a day with the picture of a ring when I was looking for the rings or ask him random wedding related questions because I was just thinking about it – but i knew that he wasn’t thinking about this stuff all of the time so wouldn’t care and would probably get a little annoyed.
I also have a problem with just chatting about it all the time some nights when we are together. The other week I was going on and on (I was thining out loud, wasn’t even talking to him) and I ended up talking wedding stuff for over an hour without realizing – I was really just babbling about random details.
We actually set up a schedule of sorts where I have one hour each weeknight to talk wedding stuff it I want – other than that I have to be quiet about it. I even warn him what I will be focusing on first… for example – right now is rings but once they are out of the way I am going to focus on colors as well as what he’ll be wearing. This way he at least can take things one bite at a time when I am looking at the big picture.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
I can feel ya, OP. FI and I are in a long-distance relationship due to his work. I see him less than 4 days at a time. Our wedding is less than 6 months away and we haven’t had much done — he’s supposed to call his relatives in BC. Long story short, FI’s sister-in-law told them our engagement news. -_-;;
However, this has worked for us, so far: emails. Any wedding stuff gets compiled under Google Drive/Email.
It is also important to schedule non-wedding chatter time together with your FI. There’s nothing worse than suffering from post-wedding blues. Having set aside a date evening helps boost excitement.
Recently, I sent a picture of my wedding band to FI and told him that I cannot wait for him to put it on my finger in 6 months. He replied back via text with a huge smile.
My FI also told me this, “Honey, every time you want to talk about wedding stuff, please don’t start your conversation like I’m not interested.” He hit home run! I’d assumed he wouldn’t be interested, but he is.
Post # 12
I think it’s great that he’s communicating with you about this, and in such a light way. It sounds like he wants some a role and some responsibility in the wedding, but not something that involves a lot of back-and-forth decision making. I’d just sit down, show him a list of things that need to be done, and ask him to take some of them over, no “chatter” required.