Weddingbee boards

My fiance just met his father for the first time last week. He grew up not knowing that his mother changed his last name when he was young and he never knew that the man that adopted him and changed his last name (he doenst know him either, he also left when he was young) wasnt his real dad until a few months ago when he found his birth certificate. His mom refused to answer any questions and refused to tell him what happened as to why his dad left and why she never told him who he was. So he asked me to help him find him, well I did and we met him last week.

My fiances dad is 100% italain, so my fiance is dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes. His mom and siblings are all blue eyes, blonde hair and fair skin. So growing up he always was confused as to why he didnt look like anyone else in the family. Now that he has met his dad, i guess you can say he has a sense of belonging. He feels more comfortable, like he fits in with his dad and that side of the family. So now he wants to change his name back to his birth name, the italian last name. He hasnt talked to his mom yet and she doesnt even know that he met his dad. He knows she is goign to flip out and prolly not speak to him and i guess he is tryign to sort out his feelings before she freaks out.

He wants to change his last name before our wedding in march. That way I dont have to change my last name twice. I support him in anything he does, especially something this life changing.

I guess I am nervous that this is going to change everything between him and his mom. Yes she was wrong for never telling him and keeping his dad a secret. But its done and over with now, its the past. His mom is very controlling and manipulative. She is going to take this as a reason not to come to the wedding. I cant stand her, so i am ok with that, but I know its going to hurt him. He already feels slighted by her actions when he asked her about his dad and she refused.

What should I do? I feel like I need to protect him from his mom because I know she is going to lash out. But i know how badly he wants to change his name back. Any advice ladies??

I did ask him why he felt he had to change it and he said he has no attachment to his last name. The guy that adopted him and changed his name, he doesnt know either. His mom has a different last name and 1 other sibling has a different last name (his mom has been married 5 times and they all have different last names). All his siblings are by different dads. He has the same last name as 2 of his siblings (twins) and their dad adopted him.

He said now that he knows his dad and feels a connection (they talk everyday now) he feels that he should change his name because the birth name is who he is.

I interpreted that as a way for him to feel like he belongs to a family, since he never felt like he belonged in the family he grew up with. His mom is a tough person to get along with. All the men that she was married to and had children with, left and were never to be heard of again because they want nothing to do with her.

I feel more comfortable taking his birth name then the one he has now only because of how he feels about it all. He doesnt have his moms name, she has a different last name as well. She has an x husbands last name. He has no connection to his last name at all. He doesnt know the guy that adopted him who gave him that last name.

To me a name is everything. Its who you are. It connects you to your family. You have the same traits, same genetics, same blood. Your name is who you are, where you come from. He doesnt feel that. He doesnt feel like he belongs because he doesnt look, act or feel like part of the family because the family is so scattered with diff names. Does that make sense?

I think the best thing you can do is just Continue to be supportive in his decisions. Yes his mother my not like the idea but he does have good reasoning. She apparently didn't put much thought into the changing of his name as a child. If he doesn't feel a connection with his current name or family then it is his decision to make a change. And if he feels a connection with his father and feels confortable with that change then it's his decision to make; not his mothers. However; I would encourage him to be up front about meeting him. I would not hide that fact from his mother. I would keep her in the clear with the fact that they have met and are trying to build a relationship. Then when the time comes I would be honest and tell her what you have decided to do. It really shouldn't be an issue since it's not her last name anymore anyway.

I have a friend who did this in his late 20's. He decided after his father past away that he wanted to represent him. So he made a change. Yes his mother was a little shocked and surprised but she was still supportive of her sons decision.

It will be a difficult transition but I think his heart is in the right place.

It was truely amazign to see him interact with his dad for the first time. They look identical, talk the same, have a lot of the same interests. my fiance played football and ran track in high school, so did his dad. He is very athletic like his dad. It was just really neat to sit and watch. You would think that his dad raised him, of how much they had in common. All the questions that my Fiance had about himself, were answered. Where he got his looks, his height, his athleticism, his allergies, everything. It was pretty cool.

I am so happy for him that he has a sense of who he is now.

its not about honoring someone who wasnt present in his life. His dad left because his mother told his dad that he wasnt his son and it was known that she was cheating on him.  when he asked for a paternity test, she refused and that was that. His dad tried to find him when he turned 18 but wasnt aware that his last name had been changed. He tried to contact my fiances mother but she never would answer. He is his dads only son and he is the name sake. He is the 4th generation of that name. (on his birth certificate). He feels a part of something, part of a family. He never felt that with his mom and sibligns because they all have different dads, names and looks.

sceeder- its funny you should mention that. When we were at his fathers house last week, he mentioned my fiance changing his name back. When he explained to my fiance why he left and what happend, and then explained that he tried looking for him and when my fiance explained that his last name was no longer his dads, his dad said, well id love for you to change it back if thats somethign you would be interested in. Alex said yes but he was going to have a talk with his mother first.

The fact that he is named after 4 generations in his dads family makes him feel good. Now knowing his dad, he wants to take the name back and he has even mentioned naming our son (when the time comes) after him and his dad and grandfather. etc.

thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I am glad that I could be his backbone through all this. He has had a really crappy childhood and an even tougher relationship with his mom. Its taken us a long time to figure out how to be a team and do things together and be supportive. I am proud of him for stepping out of his box and trying to find his own way with our without the support from his mom.

I am dredding the day he tells her about all this. They havent spoken in over 2 weeks over another issue and he doesnt want her to feel like he went and foudn his dad because they are having problems. so he is waiting until the smoke clears to tell her. I know either way she is goign to belittle him and turn it into all about her like she always does. I hope for his sake, she just keeps her opinion to herself. She has doen enough damage in his life.

He is really upset with his mom. She had had a history of just leaving husbands and moving onto the next. When he found out from his dad that she cheated and thats the reason they split and she told him that he wasnt his kid, it really angered him. He feels really betrayed by her and he is tryign to keep his distance until he can sort out his emotions. I cant stand his mom, she is rude, manipulative and controlling and she had no respect for other people and their feelings, not just her kids. But I refuse to let my opinion ruin his family or their relationships. She is his mom and nothing i feel will change that and i dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him how much I despise his mom. I just have to stay neutral and be there when he needs me to be. but man would i LOVE to tell her off! haha.

His dad is very warm and calm and a very welcomign person. VERY different from his mom. I hope that this will be a healthy happy relationship between father/son. It will be so good for him.