Post # 1
Now, when I say not involved, I don’t mean we’re not inviting them to the wedding.
On the wedding invitations, it’s just going to be our names & their families wish to invite you to the joining, yadda yadda yadda.
But for the Reception, and the ‘welcome to the family’ speeches, my Father will welcome him into our family, and he doesn’t know if he wants his foster dad to do a welcome to the family for me.
A little back story is he was adopted by a family when he was 3, then put into his current foster family at 13. So he’s been with them a long time, and they love him and thinkof him as a son, but he has trouble thinking of them as his mom and dad, because he says he had a mom and dad but things just didn’t work out.
His foster family already said I was going to be like a daughter to them, and they couldn’t wait,and they’re being super amazing… So it’s JUST my fiancee who doesn’t know what to do.
I would love to give his foster mom a corsage and let everyone know they’re my future in laws and the mother and father figures of the groom, but it’s understandably a touchy subject for him.
I asked him a few weeks after we got engaged what he wanted to do, and he said he would think about it. But I don’t want to pester him because it’s kind of sensitive.
I mean I can usually talk to him about anything and he’d be fine with it, but I don’t want to force him into doing something he’s uncomfortable with. He doesn’t like it when people refer to them as his parents, or his foster brothers as his actual brothers. he just calls everyone by their first names. :S Gah. Maybe the answer is simple, and I should just wait for him to decide, but I just ám not sure how to go about this. Maybe I should just leave it in his court and see if he ever decides… haha
Post # 3
It sounds like he’s having some understandable emotional issues. I would just leave him alone for a while and then discuss it. You have a year so it’s not like you need to rush him. That being said on your part I think you need to do whatever you can to protect his foster parent’s feelings. If he decides he doesn’t want his foster father to toast then maybe you all can do something different at the reception to involve them. 🙂
Post # 4
@silkspectre94: If your date is correct you guys have almost a year to figure all of this out. During the course of planning our wedding Fiance and I have come to realize how important our family is to us and how much we care about them. I used to be really weird about my step mom being involved with things but now I am so excited to include her in everything. Let it be for a while. Give him some time. I’m sure eventually he will come around. Good luck!!
Post # 5
@OctBride-2012: If he decides he doesn’t want his foster father to toast then maybe you all can do something different at the reception to involve them. 🙂
This is a great idea!
Post # 6
I do hope he chooses to involve them, because I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings.
But on the other hand, I don’t want to make him do something he feels uncomfortable with.
Thanks so much everyone!! 🙂 And yes, we have a whole year, so we have plenty of time to decide.
Post # 7
Well my Fiance has a foster dad and hes going to be involved, and he calls his foster brothers and sisters, his brothers and sisters and his foster dad, dad. I really don’t get it but I don’t judge it either I didn’t grow up like that. And they are lovely people. 🙂 His mother is the one he doesn’t want to involve but she will be involved in some of the things because she is his birth mother and they are on speaking terms. So I have kinda had to force on issue on that (even though we don’t exactly get along that well with her either, its not that we don’t get along its just eh.) Like she will be involved in the rehersal dinner even though he was resistant. I pointed out that my father has never met her and the whole point is for the families to get to know each other so he kinda backed off and let it be. Maybe you can put it that way that your parents would like to get to know the people that helped raise him a little better?
Sometimes I feel bad that if we have kids his side of the family is so fractured. But whatever. I would just tell him that maybe he should include this foster family even just a little so they feel included. He doesn’t have to call them mom or dad or anything just be nice and courteous since they did take him in. Yes his other families didn’t work out but thats no reason to turn away the one that loved you and took care of you. Don’t press on the issue but just say hey why don’t we just involved them on this one thing? I’m sure they have been looking forward to being involved and they have never been anything but kind to us why don’t we show them the same in return?
Post # 8
They really have been looking forward to it. In fact, they were more excited about it than my own parents. haha, and yeah, it is hard to try and navigate through a situation where you haven’t grown up in.
He doesn’t even know his real parents, which sounds so crazy to me. My parents are split, but I can’t imagine not knowing where I came from.
Anyway, thanks for the advice! I’ll just let him decide and see how it turns out. I’ll make sure to include them a lot in the planning process and actual big day, even if he doesn’t want them recognized as his parents. And obviously run this all by him first so I know if he’s okay with everything.
Post # 9
@silkspectre94: That’s too bad. FI has never met his biological dad. I think its a good idea to involve them in the planning and if he doesn’t want to call them mom and dad see if hes still willing to welcome them to the family in another capacity. Like in the context of the people who took care of me kind of thing. For example see if he would be okay with them being mentioned in a way such as letting your dad say to them and thank you for helping raise such a great boy for my daughter or something like that. It doesn’t have to be a they aren’t my parents so they get no say sort of thing. It’s just not a black and white situation. :/