Post # 1
We got engaged Christmas Day 2012 and have booked to be married on 5th July 2014 but he just doesn’t seem to care about any of the planning, he hasn’t paid a single penny toward the wedding either.
I do not do credit cards etc so I have been trying to save money to pay for it but he keeps spending it before I can pay for anything. I have paid the deposit for the venue which is £6,000, I paid the deposit on my dress, booked the florist, trying to book the photographer, etc. But he keeps spending the money before I can pay anyone else. We have 9 months before we get married and the total cost of the wedding is £12,500 (so far) he hasn’t paid anything towad it.
I work 2 jobs just to pay for it. If all of my wages had been put onto the wedding we would have paid for it all without any worries, but since he keeps spending money we now don’t have enough and I won’t earn enough. So I suggested he gets a second job to help me out. He was insulted by this and told me he works long hours and very hard. I work long hours and very hard too. My job is extremely physically demanding. I work from 9am-4pm, go home for a quick rest then back at work in the evening from 6pm-11pm. I don’t get to see my children or spend any time with him or anyone else. There have been days where I have worked 14 days in a row without a day off and my job requires me to work weekends….Whereas he leaves for work at 6:30am, sits in a van and travels for several hours before arriving at work to actually do some work. He works for about 5 hours then it’s time to go home again. He fits windows on construction sites so yes his job is physically demanding too, but so is mine. So why cant he get a second job too?
The agreement was that he pays the bills and I pay for the wedding but any extra cash he gets is to go toward the wedding. BUT he spends his money and mine. Just the other day, for example, he went out for a few drinks with friends and family, I gave him the money to go, but only gave him a small amount. He decided to cash his cheque and spend most of that too. This weeks cheque was to pay for the rent BUT now that he’s spent most of that I am left being the one to pay for the rent which now means yet another month of my wages has gone on something other than the wedding. I was supposed to pay for half of the wedding flowers and pay for the cake in full, but now I can’t. It was the same last month too….
I’m begining to think he doesn’t want to get married at all and is doing everything he can to sabotage it. BUT I have already ordered my dress and can’t cancel the order or I lose my money. It is none transferable and none refundable. I have paid out over £3000 toward the wedding on deposits so far. I will lose all of that if I cancel.
He doesn’t take my concerns seriously and just doesn’t seem to care at all.
Sorry for the rant.
Post # 3
I can’t tell you whether or not he doesn’t want to get married anymore, but I can tell you it’s pretty normal for grooms to not be super interested in wedding planning. This sounds more like a financial issue. Honestly, I think that if you have to work 2 jobs and almost all hours of the day to pay for a wedding, you need to downsize! Some things just aren’t worth it!
Post # 4
I think if you need to work two jobs to pay for your wedding, you need to rethink this wedding. It’s one thing to have the wedding of your dreams, it’s another to physically burn yourself out doing it.
I would not want to work two jobs for my wedding. Grooms usually don’t care about them as much as the brides do, but maybe he’s feeling a little spent over this. A wedding that requires two jobs really boggles my mind.
Post # 5
I agree with PPs on this one. Grooms are typically not that interested in the wedding planning. But I do think you need to try to downsize the wedding if you are burning yourself out. Cut the guest list down etc it not worth getting ill over 🙂
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - EDD Aug '15
A wedding isn’t worth getting into debt/working your ass off for- it’s only one day and you’ll just start off your marriage in a bad financial situation and likely end up arguing.
I agree with other pps that you should cut back and you should definitely talk to your fi about this. What kind of wedding does he want? If he wants a big one then make it clear that he’ll need to contribute to it.
Are any of your family/FILs likely to contribute if you bring up your worries?
Post # 7
Regardless of how big a wedding you want, my partner not contributing to it (at least financially.. my FI isn’t really interested in the actual “planning” aspect either) would be a big issue for me. It would be one thing if he just didn’t MAKE much in the beginning, but if he did make a decent amount and just wasn’t able, or willing, to SPEND it on the wedding, that’d be a whole different story. What is most concerning to me though is that, according to your description, he doesn’t seem to be bothered by you working so hard and you basically paying most of the expenses alone, and that he doesn’t seem willing to contribute his just part (for example by taking up another job, or spending less). His behavior seems kind of selfish, and that is what would be bothering me. If I was in that situation I’d probably wait for a quiet moment and have a talk with him.. ask how he sees the current situation, the wedding, your relationship.. ask him whether he saw any problems.. if he doesn’t, I’d explain to him what you’ve told us here.. see where that goes… :/ Good luck!!
Post # 8
What is he spending all this money on? Either you both budgeted poorly and needed that money for more important things, or he is a financially irresponsible twat who is happy to throw deposits down the drain.
I understand why he wouldn’t want to work 2 jobs. I wouldn’t want to work two jobs so I could blow a heap of money on one day, you would be just as married if you had a court house or really low budget wedding.
Post # 9
Uhh… This part really concerns me!
“This weeks cheque was to pay for the rent BUT now that he’s spent most of that I am left being the one to pay for the rent which now means yet another month of my wages has gone on something other than the wedding.”
He spent money meant for rent on going out?? Honey, if he can’t stick to an agreed budget and blows money designated for RENT of all things, please consider if this behaviour will persist throughout your marriage.
Maybe it’s time to sit down and have a long discusion about shared, financial goals – INCLUDING the wedding that is meant to join the TWO of you as a unit?
Post # 10
@Maxyfishface78: you need to think long and hard about this wedding. It’s not worth the stress of working 2 jobs and being away from your kids. No wedding is. Just like you are displeased that he is spending money on various things for himself which you probably find useless, he most likely feels the same way about what you’re spending on flowers and things for the wedding. It’s true what PPs have said. Men don’t care. My husband didn’t even see the venue until the day of. If the two of you can’t work out your finances together then maybe you’re not ready to be married yet. But once again, do not by any means expect him to care about wedding planning. He just wants to marry you, with a party or without.
Post # 11
Most grooms (mine included) are not super interested in the wedding. The issue I’m seeing here is not a lack of interest in the wedding. I’m seeing a lack of mutual agreements being met. He seems incredibly immature and if he can’t control his spending without cutting into the rent money, he doesn’t seem to be fit to be married to anyone. Sorry.
Post # 12
@Maxyfishface78: Has he always been that financially irresponsible? I would be TERRIFIED that the rest of your life is going to be working 2 jobs so he can go out and spend your combined money!
Post # 13
Nope nope nope. This is not a partnership. Maybe he does want to be married to you—you’re willing to work two jobs and bend over backwards to maintain HIS lifestyle. What about your life and your happiness? What does he do for you? What about your children? Why do you want to marry this guy? I’d leave, sorry. From your description of his attitude and behavior, this guy is no prize.
Post # 14
@Hyperventilate: yeah a wedding shouldn’t be financially draining you of everything you have. it might be stressing out the groom too. but yeah grooms are never into weddings and planning.
Post # 15
I agree with PPs that most men don’t care about the wedding that much, although I do think he should be willing to contribute something finanancially…which was your plan (he pays bills, you pay for the wedding) but he’s now not filling his end of the bargin, and not only is he not covering the bills, he’s making you cover them and spending “his” money completely irresponsibly and expecting you to spend “your” money paying joint family expenses. In other words, what is his is his and what is yours is his. Ummm, NO.
That to me is a huge red flag and would make me seriously wonder if this is a man that respects me (ie. he’s willing to let you work 2 jobs but he isn’t, and not only that, he then goes and blows your hard earned money on complete bullshit), that respects our family and that knows how to be financially responsible. Those are much bigger issues than wedding planning. A wedding is one day, a party. It’s the commitment that’s important, and being honest I don’t see much commitment from him based on what you describe.
Post # 16
I didn’t read the other responses, but I think you have a way bigger problem on your hands. Most grooms aren’t very interested in helping plan the wedding but it sounds like your FI has some spending issues. He is not only not contributing to the wedding but he is spending money that should be used for rent or other bills. I would address these issues before moving forward with the wedding.
I also would consider cutting back on the wedding as much as possible. Working two jobs just to pay for a wedding seems ridiculous.