(Closed) Groom no family attending, previous secret wedding

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5429 posts
Bee Keeper

What a situation to be in! 2 years married already? And even your own parents don’t know? eeek! I don’t envy you right now. 🙁

Post # 4
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Almost all of my husband’s family is overseas so our wedding was 90% my family, and it was great. I understand it could be awkward because of your situation, but if a “real” wedding is something you want you should definitely go for it, no matter who attends.

Post # 5
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Do you really want a real wedding or are you more worried about getting out of your lie? No judgement here, just wondering where your priorities are so we can give you the best advice. 

Post # 6
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Enjoy your “real wedding.”  If anybody asks why his family isn’t there you can always say it was too expensive for them to travel.  I am assuming you plan to visit his family at some point so I would add that you will celebrate with them when you go for a visit.  No need to explain the visa issue unless it naturally come sup and you are comfortable discussing it; other than that it is private information they don’t need to know about.

Post # 7
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

I feel like your ‘secret’ will come out by having a traditional wedding, no matter how hard you try to keep it hidden.

I think you should come clean and THEN plan your wedding so everyone is aware of what’s going on.

Post # 8
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

No official will conduct a “legal” marriage ceremony for people who are already married.  Clergy and other officals are legally bound to up hold the laws of where the practice. 

They will do a ceremony certainly, but to those listening it will not sound like a traditional ceremony which will raise flags.  There will be no “do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” or “By the power of XXXXXXX I now pronounce you legally wed”.

It will more then likely be a vow renewal “do you YYYYYYYY and you ZZZZZZZ reaffirm your committment to one another today infront of family and friends” or something similar.

Unfortunately, you have lied to your family for the past two years.  You should come clean and have a celebration party.  No matter what you say it is not a wedding.  You are already wed.  Have a big white party if that tickles your fancy.  But do not lie to your guests/family about what they are really attending.

I would gladly attend a vow renewal or wedding celebration, but if I attended a wedding, and then later found out that it was not a wedding, I would be very unimpressed.

Post # 9
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was in the same sort of situation in my first marriage. Although we didn’t wait 2 years- we were married by a JP with just our parents present and didn’t tell anyone we were married until we had our real “fake” wedding 4 months later. We were legally married sooner for Visa requirements as well.

Although his parents told all of their family that we were already married none of them made the effort to make it to our “fake” wedding so it was mostly my family and it was one of the greatest days of my life (even though we are now divorced)! I think you might regret it if you don’t have the day you may have always dreamed of if you chose to do nothing to celebrate your marriage with your family. 

Post # 10
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Blanche:  Agreed.

Since the first time didn’t feel like a celebration to you so much as a technicality, I think you should definitely have the chance to affirm your commitment, celebrate, and share the joy with your family.

That being said, I would have a talk with my family letting them know that you are already legally married. Perhaps your groom can also have a talk with his family so that they understand that saying your vows in front of loved ones is very important to the two of you, as is having the chance to celebrate with them.

Post # 11
Member
12568 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I can understand why they won’t come.  It’s a lot to ask of people to travel overseas for a vow renewal, which is what his family is probably viewing this as.  It’s unfortunate that you kept it a secret for two years, because a lot of people are going to be hurt.  This situation happened in my family (different reasons, but secret wedding then later big wedding-esque day), and it came out right before that they were already married.  Most of my family cancelled their trip because they didn’t want to celebrate with people who had actively lied to them for the past couple years. 

I think you need to admit you have been lying to your family and friends.  You should tell them your reasons for already getting married, and then tell them instead of a wedding, you’re having a vow renewal.  Cancel any showers or pre-wedding activities, and just celebrate with the people who come.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
3699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My own mother might disown me if she found out I had been married for two years and she didn’t even know, let alone have the chance to attend, even if it was just at city hall. 

I’d also not travel overseas to attend a “wedding” for someone who’s already been married.  In fact last year I refused to fly to China for my BIL and SIL’s Chinese party after they didn’t even invite us to city hall when they were actually married. 

So, come clean.  Explain to your family and friends that you’re sorry and you didn’t mean to deceive them, that now you feel like you’re really getting married.  Send out invitations and make it clear that this is a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding.  People will come or they won’t – have a good time with whoever does. 

Post # 13
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If I were his family, I would not travel for this second wedding either.  You had a wedding 2 years ago.  You said vows, and have lived with the convenience of being legally married (Visa and otherwise).  A lot of women have courthouse marriages, for whatever reason, and those decisions carry consequences – like that being your wedding.  Just because you didn’t have a white dress or a cake doesn’t mean you aren’t married.

Andielovesj is correct – you should come clean to the officiant, because he or she will not perform a full marriage ceremony if you are already married.  And honestly, if I were a close friend and family member and took the time to go to your wedding, get a gift, travel, etc, and I found out some time later that you were already legally married… I’d be pretty miffed.  Tell people now that you are already married, and turn this ‘wedding’ into a vow renewal.

Post # 14
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@futuremrsfitz18:  A line i feel fits this situation (and many others) is; if your courthouse wedding wasn’t special, it is only because you planned it that way.

Plenty of brides have lovely, special, courthouse weddings.  They are lovely and special because they plan them to be so.

Post # 15
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee

I would tell everyone. I personally would not fly out to a vow renewal and omitting this information to your family is going to cause so much pain.

Post # 16
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think they will understand that his family wouldn’t be able to make it because they overseas. OAN: Wow, I’m suprised you haven’t told anyone you have been married for two years.

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