Any couples here using/planning to use the bride's "maiden name" as their new family's last name (including the groom)?
Have you considered it, discussed it with your SO? Do you know any couples that did this?
What is your impression about couples that do this?
I know one couple that did, not the most shining example of equality between bride and groom if you know what I mean, but honestly, it's no one's business but theirs....and I think people should do what works for them.
I don't know anyone who has done this. But I do know a couple who added the bride;s middle name into the husbands middle name instead of his!
I like the tradition of taking the man's name personally.
FI and I have been talking a lot about it. We did consider this.
What we're doing is each of us is keeping our own last name, but we're taking one another's last names as another middle name. So my name will be Adrianna Jean hislastname mylastname. And his will be Bradley middlename mylastname hislastname.
Equality is very important for us. Our kids are going to have one of our last names as a middle name and one as a last name. Leaning towards my name being the last name because my family's name is about to die out, and his, well, not so much.
I think it's a bit refreshing, but if it's done here I am a little curious if there's a story behind it. When a woman takes her husband's name, it's not a legal name change, the opposite can only be done via a legal name change though.
My ExH seriously considered taking my last name when we were married bc he wasn't too fond of his. It wasn't family-related or anything; he just didn't like the sound of it and was tired of people misspelling it. However since he was the only child while I had a brothe to carry on my family's name, we opted to go the traditional route.
@AB Bride: When a woman takes her husband's name and goes through all of the paperwork, that's a legal change. If she just goes by his last name without actively pursuing the process of changing it, then it's not legal.
I have read that like 1% of groom's take their bride's last name - and that was like 10 years ago. I would think that they guy is rather progressive - and nothing negative!
I knew a couple who did this. The groom didn't have a good relationship with his family and didn't feel attached to his last name, so they both just agreed they would share her last name. I thought it was cool, but I think all name-changing or keeping options are equally great, just whatever works for the couple.
@HisMoon: That's not how the government here views it:
In Alberta, a woman may assume the last name of her husband as this is traditionally recognized. She may assume just his last name or her last name combined with his; the order of the two last names is optional.
When a woman marries in Alberta and chooses to assume her husband's last name, Alberta Vital Statistics does not deem this to be a legal change of name. When a couple marries in Alberta, Vital Statistics will not change the woman's birth record to reflect her newly assumed last name nor would a notification document be forwarded to another province/country (in which she was born) advising them of such. When a woman, who marries in Alberta only assumes her husband's last name, she may decide to return to the last name on her birth certificate at any time.
A little weird, isn't it?
@AB Bride: Honestly some Canadian provinces are awesome this way. It's not common to "assume" a name here. You change it legally on all your documents except your birth certificate.. you get a new social security card, drivers license, etc, and your name changes on all other official documents like a passport. Then it's a hassle to change back if you get divorced. I really really want to use my future husband's name socially and keep legally everything with my maiden name, but its' really uncommon and difficult to explain to people.
Oh wow. First of all, I think it's a little weird that they felt the need to state they aren't changing birth records to reflect the new name. I mean, lol, that's sort of a duh in my head. Otherwise, that's interesting. I wonder what the legal ramifications are for federal type stuff? How does that work for taxes? My ExH is Canadian (Ontario), but we got married and lived in the USA, so we didn't have to deal with Canadian law.
@love108: Ohhhh ok I see the difference. I read "assume" as to mean "change legally." Thanks!
@love108: I like the way it's set up for women to change their names when they are married to a man. It's discriminatory though, IMO, because for any other combination of name change (man takes spouse's, woman takes woman's) they then have to pay for a legal name change.
@HisMoon: I don't know. I didn't actually change my name, I just use DH's socially, but looked into it when I was deciding what to do. I would assume that the provincal gov. forwards the info to the feds. The social insurance number would be the same, just with the new name so that should simplify it for taxes I guess. They do encourage you to get new ID with the new name so it all matches with the exception of the birth certificate.
@AB Bride: That stinks for the men. I wonder why they can't assume their wives' names in the same way. That being said, I've heard it's a bit more of a hassle for a man to take his wife's name here in the USA even within the same process. It's so uncommon that I think the hurdles are more bureaucratic than legal if that makes any sense.
I dont like it, just my opinion. I would never do it or expect my FI to even consider it
@HisMoon: I read more, men can (this wasn't here years ago, yay for progress!) assume a name, but it looks like some ID people can be assholes:
A husband may assume the last name of the bride if he so desires. As it is not traditionally recognized for the groom to assume the bride's last name, he may have problems with some organizations that will not recognize this change. An option available to the groom is to have a legal change of name processed. This service is available through a registry agent. Note that a legal change of name will change the groom's name on his birth certificate.
I feel neutral about it. Whatever people want to do. My sister wants to do this in a hypothetical future marriage.
It wouldn't be an option for us. I'll be taking my FI's last name, but also using my last name for business since I'm established in my career (like Hillary Rodham Clinton).
I know of a couple who combined their last names. For example, O'Connor and Johnson could become Conson. I think it's cute if the names go together ok.
I voted "neutral". Whatever floats your boat!
My FI suggested it. It is debatable. We havent made a decision either way. I think everyone has a right to do what they want. If someone is going to judge a couple or the husband specifically for choosing to take his wife's name than that is sad and unfortunate.
I'm pleasantly surprised at the amount of positive responses this has gotten!
It's something FI and I are considering. Before I posted this, we were sort of feeling like we were just about the only people in the world to consider this idea, and that it could elicit a big backlash because it would just be too "out there" for most people. Now I'm feeling more optimistic Thanks, bees!
FI's used to going his own way and shrugging off others' judgement, but I still worry sometimes that we'll (mostly he'll) be heavily judged, to the point where it could annoy us and make me feel guilty for drawing mockery toward him (as well as angry that my name is being used to hurt my husband). I don't want to "demasculate" my husband... not that that's really possible, but I don't want to set him up to be heavily criticized and have to constantly defend his choice. WB is giving me hope that harsh criticism might actually be very minimal. I think guys might have stronger negative opinions on this issue though (or maybe not?)
On the other hand, I also figure that once we're married for a while, nobody new we meet will know where our last name came from, so they wouldn't harrass him about it. Whatever drama people create around it (if any) would probably be short-lived.
Definitely refreshing, it makes a nice change. It takes a guy with guts to do it too. A classmate of mine who got married just over a week ago did this, but there was a story behind it. The name he had was his step dad's who he's no longer close to and everyone else on his side of the family has a different last name to him anyway, so it made sense to take his SO's name as it made him feel a part of a familty again. Their two children also took her name.
I wish more people would do this. It seems ridiculous that it absolutely HAS to be the guy's name every time. I mean why the hell not?
I don't understand why this is offensive to the man's parents? How is it any more offensive than a woman changing her name?
We aren't doing this because both of our last names are terrible, and his is dying out, so I am keeping mine and our kids will have his.
I hate to say, I would question the state of the man's balls. I am adding his on to mine, most likely, because I like the older Spanish tradition of adding "de hislastname" after my maiden one. That way, I am "firstname middlename daughterofname wifeofname."
@lotto: That is a good question. To me, it would be a bit more of an affront to the husband, since the wife would rather honor her father than her husband.
I like it. Why should it be automatic that the girl drops her last name and takes the guy? It's a tradition, but nobody questions it. It's like when someone goes "BE A MAN!" to a guy, and he caves and does whatever stupid thing it is just because someone uttered these magic words. Nobody thinks about it, and just assumes he's not being A MAN if he does it. It's ridiculous.
And yeah, it shouldn't be offensive to the man's parents. It might be, but they're just steeped in pointless tradition.
When my fiance and I started dating, we went to two friends' wedding. He took her last name. My fiance scoffed at the whole "she has him whipped" thing. WHICH... in that case, was totally true. lol. He's totally whipped, and she's totally "wearing the pants", as it were... but in theory, I don't know what the problem is and I'm sick of the assumption that just because I'm a chick, I have to drop my name and just take his.
My name counts too, and is just as important as his :|
@Chaoslight: I don't know if it is an affront. IMO in a marriage the man and the female are equal partners. I do not follow the idea that I must take his last name and if I do not than I am dishonoring him. I have had my last name for several years and with it have I have created a career and finished school. If I would want to keep it, I don't think it would be a bad thing. I mean if we look back at history and the origin behind woman having their names changed, I do not necessarily support that. I am not property and I will not "obey" my husband. With that being said, he ASKED to take my name and who am I to tell him no.
I think it is unfair to assume that a man who changes his last name is "whipped" or is lacking "balls". That is to assume that the female demanded him to take her name or outright refused to take his. I think that this subject is being looked at very limitedly. I also think in general, our culture and upbringing directly effect how we shape marriage. I grew up in the Catholic church as did my FI and I am sure his father won't like if he were to change his last name, but it is our life and our marriage.
@miss narwhal: +1.
My FH is taking my last name. He is the one who suggested it. We're both feminists, so he was completely open to the idea of taking my name, instead of the other way around. It's a way to honor my father and grandfather, especially because I only have one male cousin in the entire family who would continue the family name.
@miss narwhal: agreed.
@miss narwhal: To each their own. I simply shared the way I would perceive it.
This should make genealogy searches more interesting in the future lol...
My mother and father hyphenated, and we kids got both last names. I like the idea of it though it would only work for one generation. If my name wasn't already hyphenated, I'd hyphenate again when SO and I get married. My father isn't whipped either. It was a mutual decision. He can be quite demanding actually, he just believes in women's rights and equality.
As is, I'm just gong to keep my name for professional reasons. SO wants me to take his, but it would make my professional life a lot more difficult. If I were a stay at home mom or at the beginning of my career, I would probably change it.
When DH's parents married, they took each other's last names, hyphenated. So Bob Smith and Jill Jones became Jill and Bob Jones-Smith. Because they married in the 1980's this was pretty un-conventional, and I absolutely adore the idea. The only down-side is that since he is already hyphenated, we can't tack my name onto his or we'd be triple-barrelled.
We married in September and I've still not decided what to do with my name, and will probably keep my maiden name, for a variety of reasons, but if he'd not already been hyphenated, we would have both hyphenated. We did consider adding my pre-marriage last name to either his mother's or his father's and creating a new name that way, but he is in the process of getting his citizenship and doesn't trust adding a name change in the middle of all of that--- probably won't make a difference, and I'm sure people do it all the time, but we're going to reconsider once he's naturalized.
I know a couple who combined their last names. It was rather interesting as they both had last names that were a bit lengthy and ethnic (of differing ethnicities), so their combined name is really unique! I like this idea because then the whole family (they now have 2 children) have the same name, but it still clearly shows the combination that occured to make their family. Obviously it wouldn't work for everyone, but it has for them!
I hatehatehated my old surname, so I always knew I'd change my last name. However, I really don't like the idea of a hyphenated name (for myself), so regardless of what my maiden name was, I would rather my groom changed his last name before I would hyphenate mine.
I don't find the tradition of taking the groom's last name for a hetero couple particularly offensive, though I would find the groom taking the bride's name refreshing. Sadly, I know many men who would vote for the first option and find it emasculating.
ETA: It's so hard to be gender neutral with names, since in our culture you have to choose which name, either his or hers, and the more neutral you try to be with hyphenations, the messier it gets each generation (as PP said). I do like the Central/South American tradition of having multiple names that are taken from each side and which stay with you throughout life.
I think it's awesome and I wish my SO would take my last name.
ETA: I also like ice cream.
Ok I haven't posted on this yet and wasn't sure if I was going to. FI is taking my last name.
We have reasons though that we have talked about and decided its best for us. See my grandfather had no sons. Only a daughter, my mom. My mother gave me her maiden name but my sister has our father's last name. I don't know the exact reasoning but I would imagine it was because I was the result of an oops teen pregnancy and they werent married and my dad was kind of on and off. my sister was planned and born much later. But who knows. Either way, Im the only one to carry my grandfathers name and if anyone knows my family they know how important he was to us. Words cannot describe it. When I found out I was having a son I knew I had to incorporate my last name into his name. Not only did FI really like the idea of my son being the only male descendent to carry on that name but he also forfeited having a full "junior" so that we could not only include my last name but also make my son's middle name my grandfathers name. So knowing I was never going to change my last name, and that our son has both, when we get married FI will take my name as well and our son's name will drop the second last name he has, therefore making us all have the same last name and carrying on my grandfathers family name.
FI has no attachments to his last name. His father is adopted and it's the last name of the adoptive family that he has no connection to whatsoever. Plus it's not the nicest sounding name and FI is actually glad to be rid of it. Sounds bad but it's true. He has always disliked his last name. So win win!
We considered it. We definitely prefer my last name and I am the last in my family line.
We ultimately decided to BOTH hyphenate: mylastname-hislastname
So we will share the same last name.
I think it really shows what a thoughtful person my FI is. We talked about the potential for people to be upset by it (mostly my fears for him) and he basically said he didn't care what people thought. So we thumbs uped it :)
i heard of one guy that did it for his first marriage and then when he got remarried his bride ended up with his ex - wife's name - creepy.
I think whatever works for everyone is good. No judgement here.
I wish my SO would take my last name, but he's happy with his. I'm undecided as to what I'm going to do, but I'll be keeping my maiden name somewhere in my name for sure.
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