Post # 1
Last night I was talking to my FI (I think I’m using the right term – fiance?, if not I apologize! I’m new to this…) about all the things that still need to be done for the wedding and he told me he thought I was more excited about having a wedding than marrying him. He’s never really been all that excited about the wedding – he hates being the center of attention, and feel like the wedding is a selfish event. Because I know that’s how he feels, I’ve tried to avoid talking to him about the wedding unless I know he won’t freakout – this has been really hard for me, I am excited and I want to share it all with him, but he’s just not interested. Last night he told me he thought I was doing a lot of things because my mom wanted them done, and that I wasn’t paying attention to what he wants.
I’ve been trying to balance what everyone wants for this wedding. I know FI doesn’t want a huge crazy wedding, but we both have huge families, and our guestlist is 200 people. I think about 150 are actually going to come. This is bigger than either of us anticipated when we first got engaged, but it’s about 80% immediate family and first cousins from both of our families.
We’re splitting the cost of the wedding with my parents – they’re paying food and drink, we’re paying for the band, the decorations, the photographer, flowers, favors, invitations, etc. Because my parents are putting so much money into it, I feel like they should have a say on things. I’m my mom’s only daughter and she’s been dreaming about this for so long, and I don’t want to take that away from her. At the same time, I don’t want my FI to think that I’m not taking into consideration his wants. I just don’t know how to balance it all. I tried explaining to my FI that the reason I’m so excited for this wedding is b/c of what it means for us – that I get excited thinking about him as a dad, and him when he’s 75, and where we’ll be and what we’ll be doing. But he’s so worried about this wedding and freaking out about being the center of attention and feeling like he’s asking too much from people, that he’s just kind of bringing me down about it as well…
Post # 3
I had a similar experience with my fiance as well. When we got engaged he gave me no input about how he pictured our wedding. So I planned things without him, and only after the fact did he tell me he would have done things differently. Which made me feel awesome. We were not communicating at all.
I had to tell my fiance not to rely on me as the ‘wedding expert.’ All that I know about weddings I’ve had to put effort into and learn for myself, which he is just as capable of doing. Maybe your fiance won’t feel so nervous if he knows what he’s in for. I know my fiance definitely has stage fright about the big day.
He could have said something sooner if he thought the guest list was getting out of hand as well. Wedding planning needs to continue and by him remaining silent about it, well, what were you supposed to do? Not do anything until he was ready to discuss it? When would that be?
My fiance has just recently started to communicate better with me. We’re paying for about 85% of the wedding ourselves, so he’s now interested in where our money is going.
But yep, I got the whole “You’re more excited about the wedding than marrying me” thing too. I pretty much told him never to say that to me again. I told him the wedding was happening, and we can’t pretend that it’s not, which is why we need to talk about it now and then! Now that’s it coming up soon, he’s finally interested. I hope your fiance comes around too! Good luck!
Post # 4
Since he is so nervous about being center of attention he probably gets stressed when you remind him of the wedding. He needs to suck it up because if it was such a big deal he should have told you to begin with. Since your parents are helping financially then yes, they should have some say in the matter. He should be happy about that. My fiance and I have to pay 100% for our own wedding.
Us women get caught up in all the details and can’t help but get excited. Most men just aren’t wired that way. My fiance has had some say in our wedding but he initially told me it was on me to plan the whole thing, which I think is unfair. Once the planning started and we saw the venue and met with the photogrpaher, he got excited about it. Now I think he’s more happy about seeing his old college buddies than getting married. lol He’s come around and he just smiles at me when he sees me get all excited about an idea.
I’m sure your fiance will come around. Try to make him feel more comfortable about it. I hate being center of attention myself, but that does not stop me from being excited about my wedding. I just hope you normally have better communication or you could have some major problems in your marriage. Good luck and I hope it gets better 🙂 I’m sure it will.