Post # 1
First off my fiancee is amazing and treats me like gold, just wanted to put that out there. 🙂 the problem is that he wants a wedding with his extended family and friends and I’m still barely used to the idea of having a wedding. I hate being the center of attention, I hate planning, I hate parties, and I picked the most simple dress I could find and still felt nothing like myself. I’ve been learning about Wicca and would love to incorporate some pagan rituals into the wedding but my side of the family is Christian, his side of the family is Catholic/nothing, and I haven’t come out of the ‘broom clost’, so to speak. Not to mention that while he finds Wicca interesting he’s not really into it.
Basically we have completely different visions for our wedding. I’d say we should elope but our close family would be heartbroken, my parents already bought me the dress, and we’ve already put a deposit on the hall. I love the idea of surprising everyone with a wedding but since my fiancee wants to have his extended family here, most of which live no where near us, throwing an impromtu wedding isn’t really an option either.
Anyone else had this problem? It almost makes me wish my fiancee didn’t give a crap about the wedding but at the same time he’s been the one doing the planning and getting things going. I don’t know what to do and every time I try to talk to him about the wedding he insists that he wants his extended family there and they all want to be there. I absolutely hate the idea of having such a private, special, intimate moment in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and will likely meet only a few more times throughout the course of my life. I know everyone says to compromise but I don’t think that works for a guest list, especially when it comes to someone’s family and they want their entire family there.
Post # 3
You need to be upfront with him. It is both of your wedding, after all. Can you have a small ceremony with just immediate families there, and then maybe have a relaxing party later? One where you don’t have to where a big dress, get all dolled up, and be the complete center of attention?
With a May wedding, you could have the small ceremony, and invite all of his family to town over the summer, and do a backyard BBQ or a nice dinner somewhere. You can still celebrate with his family, but it’s not the typical wedding, either.
Post # 4
You can go one television-inspired route and have a small, intimate ceremony that’s private and only has a few close people before having the big extended-family ceremony; I don’t know how your feelings on weddings are, but for me the legal is sometimes separate from the spiritual. If you were willing to have a non-legal private ceremony first, or make the first one legal but not tell anyone about it, then no matter what happened with the big party your fiance wants you would have had your intimate moment. If you’re both okay with that, it could be a compromise.
You could also do a destination wedding beforehand and treat the thing with his extended family as a reception; if you already have the hall, you can do a short vow renewal and then it’s all over and the reception part you can just treat like a family reunion where you’re joining the family and they’re congratulating you.
Post # 5
@reluctantbride: My Darling Husband and I were the opposite of you and your Fiance. I wanted a big party (I don’t have a lot of family but do have a lot of family friends and friends) and, while my Darling Husband has a large family, he wanted a small intimate ceremony with just immediate family and we would all go for a really nice dinner afterwards. His plan was to have the reception with everyone else the next day. After talking about it, I decided that the above would be a good compromise and, as I had never really dreamed about my wedding, I wasn’t loosing anything.
I think that the above would be a great compromise for you guys, but does come with some added stress (two emotional events, possibly planning two nights of parties/dinners, a lot more vendors, pissing people off, etc). If you want some added advice about how we did it and what were the mistakes that we made, PM me. 🙂
I think, given that we’re talking about family members here, that you might be screwed with trying to not include them if he isn’t on board with the idea. To play devil’s advocate: if he’s doing most of the planning, isn’t that already a compromise on his side? He’s taken away a big chunk of what causes a lot of stress and is hoping that that will be enough. I totally get that it’s not, but that’s an attitude that you might have to deal with.
I also think that it sucks you feel that way about your dress. 🙁 I would HATE that (I had dress regret and don’t want you to feel the same way). What would you feel comfortable wearing? Can you show us an example?
Post # 6
I am in almost your exact same situation! I am a private person who is not used to and does not enjoy being the center of attention and Fiance is nearly the exact opposite, and though I want to marry him, I am not looking forward to a wedding. We still haven’t worked out what to do – Fiance isn’t really a planner so isn’t putting much effort into things so we’ve decided not to plan at the moment, but I don’t really know where that leaves us. This is the second time we’ve tried planning and stopped – each time he’s suggested we do it and then been “too busy” w work to do much and I’ve gotten stressed out and upset w him so eventually we stop. We also seem to want the exact opposite for everything – I want cheap, he wants expensive (my dress was half the cost of his suit); I want small, he wants big; I would prefer table service and nicer food whereas he doesn’t care about the quality of the food and wants buffet… we can’t figure out how to find common ground on much of anything wedding related.
I’m currently trying to figure out whether eloping is a viable option – I feel bad leaving our families out of the picture just like you, especially since I’m an only child and so if my parents want to attend their childs wedding, I’m the only chance they’ve got of doing that. The other problem with this is that Fiance would still want to have a party for his friends afterward (with me there), which to me is not a whole lot different than a reception except that my side wouldn’t be there. Long story short we still haven’t figured out what to do or how to do it, but you’re definitely not alone in feeling how you do!
Post # 7
I agree with the suggestion of a small ceremony with direct family, and then a big bash at a later date. It’s a nice compromise and both of you get what you want. A few people I know did that, and seem happy with the decision.
Post # 8
Having an intimate ceremony and a larger reception was what my Fiance and I had planned before we had to completely overhaul our wedding. 🙂 It’s totally OK to not want to share such a personal moment with people who are strangers to you. Maybe your fiance will agree to that as a compromise so you’re not as anxiety-striken on your wedding day. Put it to him this way: Does he want to see you coming down the aisle looking relaxed and happy, or like a deer in headlights? lol
As for the Wiccan aspect, how about adding a brief handfasting to the ceremony? It can be written as more secular so your fiance feels better about it (no mentions of Goddess this and Goddess that), but it’s still a nod to your spirituality. And it has a really touching symbolism. I had planned to get our families involved by providing a basket full of ribbons and cords, and having them one by one tie them over our hands as a way of blessing our marraige. They’re all Christian, but who cares? They might even enjoy it! Did your fiance plan to have a unity candle or sand-pouring? This is just another option that essentially carries the same meaning. 🙂
Your wedding should reflect who you are. (At least the ceremony, which is the most important part anyway.) It’s all well and good to consider your families’ beliefs, but hey, the reception is for them. The ceremony is for the couple! I just read this somewhere and it really rang true: Your wedding will never mean as much to your guests as it will to you and your husband.