Post # 1
My fiance is one of 5 kids. He is second the oldest and has two younger sisters, one younger brother and one older brother. His oldest brother is 32 and my fiance is 30. They were very close growing up, the older brother joined the Navy at 18 and lived away from the family for over 10 years because of that. The closeness of the relationship with his siblings lessened because he was away. He got married a couple of years after joing the Navy and my FI was best man at that wedding. It was a small wedding at a Navy base. My FI and his family just showed up for the event. The brother had a daughter from that marriage and my FI is also her godfather. In 2008, the older brother was injured in a training accident overseas and he is disabled as a result. When he first arrived back in the States, he spent time in a rehab hospital in another state away from the family. The family did visit him there a few times. He remained in that state for a few years because he was going through a divorce and custody battle. A year ago he and his daughter moved to where the rest of the family is. Slowly he has been spending more time with his siblings.
A couple of months back my FI and I finally decided on a date. After that we decided to pick our wedding party and other ceremony particpaints. One of my FI’s sisters will be a bridesmaid, while the other sister will be singing and doing a reading. My FI’s younger brother will be the best man. My fi is having three friends as a groomsmen and I’m having my sister as maid of honor and two cousins to stand with FI sister’s as bridesmaids We left out of the older brother mainly because we felt he isn’t extremely close with us. We thought he would be ok with not having a part in the wedding. On Saturday, my FI received a Facebook message from saying that he was hurt that he wasn’t asked to have a part in the wedding. He asked if the reason he wasn’t to be in the wedding was because he is wheelchair bound. My FI and I feel bad and the reason we didn’t ask had nothing to do with the wheelchair. MY FI told him that, but he didn’t believe it. We don’t know what to do and we fear that if we try to include the older brother he and others in the family might think that it was an afterthought. I do feel quite bad for my FI’s brother, because FI is the daughter’s godfather and was the best man in his wedding. I wish we would have asked him to be a groomsman.
Post # 3
@kandy84: I’m sorry, hon — that’s a difficult situation. I can completely understand how his feelings were hurt, since it seems that all the other siblings were included. (I can also understand that you didn’t think it would be a big deal to him.)
Whether it seems like an afterthought or not, I think you should find a way to include him, whether it’s a reading, a toast, escorting an honored guest or something like that. Clearly it is important to him, and it’ll probably go a long way towards repairing the breach.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)
@village_skeptic: I completely agree. I think the fact that you both have a lot of siblings and that everyone except this one brother is being involved in the wedding is why he feels hurt. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him, but I think it would be difficult not to feel slighted and excluded when he is literally the only sibling who hasn’t been invited to participate in his brother’s wedding.
While he may still feel like an afterthought, I think it would be great to involve him somehow, whether as a groomsman, usher, reader, whatever. I would try to mend fences as best as you can – have your FI reassure him that he does want him involved in his wedding and make sure to include him from here on out. While it may take some time to heal the relationship, I think that making him feel included and involved will go a long way towards that.
Post # 5
Sorry, but I think your FI made a mistake. I understand bridal party isn’t “tit for tat”. But when his older brother had him as best man, FI should have at least had him as a groomsman. Especially since there are 3 other non-brothers as groomsman. Yes, I can understand the brother is hurt.
I think you need to either make him a groomsman or give him some other important role. I don’t see how it can avoid looking like an afterthought because it *is* an afterthought. I think the best course is for FI to have a talk to his brother, telling the truth: That he didn’t think he’d be hurt to be omitted, that he loves him as his brother, and he’d be honored to have him as groomsman (or something else). As an aside, I’ve been to a wedding where a groomsman was in a wheelchair.
Post # 6
Tell him you didn’t think he’d want to be in the wedding, but now that you know he cares, you would love nothing else. Find a place for him. Hopefully that will make up for the hurt of not being asked in the first place.
Post # 7
I would feel slighted if I were him. Your FI is his kids godfather? and he was the best man at his wedding?
It can’t be too hard to find another BM, maybe a cousin of FI’s that’s comfortable with the older brother.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
In my opinion, the brother shouldn’t have been omitted in the first place when all of his siblings have a part in the wedding. Your FH says he didn’t think he’d mind not being asked as a groomsmen, but how would he have felt if he were the one being omitted? Your FH should have a discussion with his brother and try to include him in the wedding in some way. Omission, afterthought, either way, he was excluded and I would feel hurt too if my sister left me out and asked our other sister to be a bridesmaid. I hope this can be resolved in some way.
Post # 9
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that stress while planning your big day. I understand both how you didn’t think it would be a big deal, and how now it seems like an afterthought. Unfortunately, though, it happened and now moving forward is the only thing you can do. I think it definitely is important to have him play a part in the wedding whether it be a toast or even planning a bachelor party?
My advice would be to tell the older brother that you really weren’t intending to hurt his feelings and that you would be honoured to have his help in whatever you two choose.
I think with time emotions will settle and that day will be as lovely as you picture it in your head. Good luck!
Post # 10
I don’t understand why you guy’s wouldn’t include him. Its not like he wasn’t around because he didn’t wanted to. He was away to join the military. And he got hurt and going thru rehab. I can see if he moved away and lost contact with his family for no good reason and now all of a sudden moved back, that’s more reasonable. He even included your FI, his brother in his important events in his life while he was away. I’m just going off from what you wrote, I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but I think your FI is wrong on this one. I feel bad for his brother. Not to say he is not, but I think your FI should honor and be proud of his brother for what he’s been thru and made him apart of the wedding. I hope it works out for you guys and I feel for his brother. My FI was in the marines and worked for the government overseas. He got blown up in a humbee (sp?) Luckily, he is in one piece. He has metal scraps in him, 10% hearing on right side and right eye sight. I guess for what my FI went thru and if that was our situation, I’ll be a little disappointed. But i don’t know the full extent of their relationship.
Post # 11
I agree with the PPs. Include him, preferably as a GM, even if it means having uneven sides (which is not weird now days). By the time the wedding rolls around most will have forgotten that he wasn’t asked right off the bat but it means that he can be there with all of his siblings throughout all of the wedding events, the bach part, the rehearsal, the getting ready the morning of…
These are all things which he would have missed out on and especially now that he is divorced and trying to bond with the family, leaving him out was not the best thing to do.
Just apologise and offer the GM spot. Whether he accepts it or not is on him and not on you.
Post # 12
I agree I can see where my FI’s brother is upset. My FI feels really bad. We do plan to apologize to him, but we are unsure of what to say and we are considering having him apart of the wedding in some way, like I said before we do fear what others might think. My boyfriend hasn’t talked to any of his other siblings or his parents about this and he fears they might be mad. Before the older brother said he was hurt, no one else in the family said anything about him not being in the wedding. A part of me thinks at least one of them might have been upset but choose not to say anything. I also brought up having the older brother’s daughter partipciate in the wedding in some way. She is 11, so she is too old for a flower girl. That is another thing we may bring up to the brother.
Post # 13
@kandy84: What do you mean by “we do fear what others might think”? There is no shame in FI admitting he made a mistake, apologising to his brother, and correcting it. Who cares if others know he made a mistake?
It’s nice to include the daughter if you can find a way, but I think it’s more important to include the brother.
Post # 14
@paula1248: We don’t anyone to be mad at us for what happened even we did a make a mistake. Sometimes dealing with family or even extended family can be tricky.
Post # 15
@kandy84: Of course it can be tricky. But it will be much, MUCH worse if you do not try to correct this mistake for fear of pointing it out to other people.
I know it sucks to admit a mistake, but you have to. Suck it up, say you are sorry and ask him to be a GM (or something). The later you leave it the worse it will be.
Post # 16
@kandy84: I wouldn’t think about anyone else. I think it will be nice of your FI talk to his brother and just tell him how he felt about not including him and how he feels now. All you can be is honest with him and see where it goes from there. As long as you guys make it work and everyone feels better in the end, you, Your FI and his brother, that’s all that matters. And for his daughter, I hear people doing Jr. BM for girls her age. Might be cute if you make his brother a GM, he can go down the aisle with his daughter. Good Luck!