grooms family threatening to not attend wedding – HELP

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@blackwhiteandredbride:  You are doing everything correctly. As other Bees like to say, though I wholeheartedly disagree, whoever pays has the right to make decisions.

Bottom line, she needs to respect your wishes. Her trying to get the flowers is her trying to take control. Um no.

I would send her a nice email back saying she needs to resepct your wishes where it concerns your bridal party. I would let her know that his BFF is closwer to him than her brother. She should know that they only see each other twice ayear. Not fair to the BFF at all. Second, YOU control your BMs. Let her know your decisionis final.

Now, I’m mean. I call people’s bluffs. Say the flowers are you and your FIs decision and you will be sorry if they would be so cruel to miss her son’s wedding.

What does your FI say about this?

Post # 4
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@blackwhiteandredbride:  PS-a lot of Bees are going to tell your let FI handle this since it’s his family. Since your parents are fitting the bill, give your FILs maybe the option of invited 20 personal friends. Your FI is going to have to tell them they will have to learn to respect your decision concerning this weeding because it is YOUR day, not theirs.

Post # 5
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I agree with PP you are doing the right things. How is you FI feeling? The email in my opinion should come from him.  

Post # 6
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@blackwhiteandredbride:  I would like to begin by saying that I totally understand the kind of stress that this type of situation can add to wedding planning. I recently (a month ago) got married and my husband’s family put us through many of the same things during the planning process. His mother threatened (multiple times) to not attend the wedding, although she did ultimately end up attending.She also attempted to take over our centerpieces, alter some of our decisions, and emotionally blackmailed my husband and myself several times throughout our planning. However, we refused to stoop to her level. We stood up to her when appropriate, but did so in a respectful way. It is not always easy to take the high road, but I am so glad that we did. Our wedding day was beautiful, our relationship is much improved with my husband’s mother, and I have no regrets. I would suggest that you do the best you can to quietly take the high road. I think that your willingness to involve your fiance’s mother in planning is admirable and I think that you have done the right thing thus far by continuing to treat his mother with respect, despite the way that she treats you at times.

 

Post # 8
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your fiance should sort this out, not you. This is between him and his family.  Let him know how you feel and ask him to fix this for you.

I will say that asking the ladies who are not actually in the bridal party to wear a specific dress might be a bit awkward so you might, in a show of good faith, make that be their choice rather than an actual request.  While it doesn’t sound like they are actually upset about that, it could be causing some hidden tension (like “Sheila doesn’t even want me in her wedding party but I’ve still got to go buy some stupid dress I don’t want” kind of thing).

Post # 9
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. They seem to be taking their stress about their financial situation out on your fiancé and you and trying to control as much as they can, which is stupid, because it is YOUR wedding and YOUR decisions. It’s important to take into account your parent’s opinions since they are paying for so much, but it is sitll YOUR wedding. If your fiancé thinks it’s best to just cut them out, so be it, but he does need to deal with them so it causes less drama. It isn’t your job to make them feel better about your wedding.

Post # 10
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@blackwhiteandredbride:  If they are still making threats not to come, I would go ahead and elope. I would tell them “we are doing this for you. Either get on board or we are eloping and you will miss everything”

Post # 10
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hi, I’m in a similar situation. For much of the wedding-planning process, my fiancé has been strangely resistant, often saying it was due to financial stress. When my mom offered to pay for the wedding, as mothers of the bride traditionally do, my fiancé protested and said he did not want her money to “control” the wedding. We decided to have a much smaller wedding then and pay for it ourselves. Because we were paying for it ourselves, my mother did little to help plan any of it. She offered me moral and emotional support and advice, but my fiancé and I went to venues ourselves, etc. Every time I thought he had agreed to a venue, he later said he was worried about how we would afford it (this happened four times). He’d often say he didn’t understand why we even needed to have a wedding at all. “Why can’t we go to the courthouse and get it over with?” he’d ask.

It was very strange behavior from a man who had always been incredibly helpful and supportive, and I’ve only in the last two months learned that much of it was coming from his mom. Apparently, she was the one who was very stressed about the wedding from the beginning. I typically avoid his mom–we live four hours away–because she is very overwhelming and domineering. I don’t enjoy being around it–it’s pretty unhealthy. She calls my fiancé every day to complain about her life and about how nobody respects her. Anyway, back in August, I finally convinced my fiancé to have a small wedding out in New Mexico, where we went for our one-year anniversary. He was thrilled with this idea because he loves it there and it would mean much less money for us to spend. Unfortunately, it would also mean more money for our family/guests to spend. One of the stranged things he did right away was tell me I had to limit how many people I could invite from my side. He said I could only invite siblings and parents because that was what he was doing. This is easier said than done–he has no relationship with any cousins or aunts or uncles, so doing this is not a loss for him. I, meanwhile, have five cousins in addition to my four brothers, and three aunts and uncles, all of whom I’m very close to. It was heartbreaking for me to explain to them why they couldn’t go–but I did it anyway, just to ease his anxiety. When we originally planned the wedding, the people I did invite were told right away how much everything would likely cost them–I did not want anyone going into this in the dark. I’ve only recently learned that he did not do the same for his side of the guest list. At the same time, he was telling me that his parents and best man and nephew were completely fine with the costs. I don’t know if he was living in denial or what–though it seems he has behaved that way for much of the planning period–I’ve done almost everything all by myself, and when I requested help I’d hear that it was a pain and he didn’t want a wedding at all. I knew that wasn’t really true, and that there was something else behind this, but I was confused as to what it could be.

As we near the wedding date–three months away–my fiancé has suddenly been getting into tons of fights with his mother. She is complaining about the cost of the trip (as has his best man and nephew), and she’s suddenly had a falling out with his nephew. My fiancé’s brother is a reformed drug addict who now lives on disability and relies on his mother to drive him everywhere–he doesn’t work and doesn’t have a car. The mother is consumed by taking care of this son, and dislikes the son’s girlfriend, whom she also does a lot for. She is a very sweet woman who I think is very disappointed in the way her family has turned out, and she can never see that her overinvolvement is what drives them all away. My fiancé gets stressed every time he has to go home, and yet he still goes home for entire weekends at least once a month (he often times it while I am working because he’d rather not bring me and expose me to how unhealthy things can be there). Anyway, now that the nephew is coming of age–he’s 22–he’s starting to rebel against my fiancé’s mother. He’s insisting that he and his new girlfriend drive across the country to go to the wedding, instead of buying a plane ticket and flying out with his grandparents. My fiancé had a man-to-man talk with him and requested that he make the best decision–he reminded him that as he’s a groomsman, he has an obligation to fulfill (my fiancé’s brother’s back is too injured to get on a flight, which is just as well because my fiancé was very concerned that he would embarrass him in front of my family anyway). Today, as usual, my fiancé’s mom called to complain about the nephew and ask about plane tickets–whether or not she should buy one for the nephew. When my fiancé said he had texted the nephew, she flew off the handle and said she’d warned him not to do that because the nephew’s girlfriend reads the texts–she’s convinced his new girlfriend is trying to turn him against her. 

It’s weird, because she seems to take issue with every woman his brother or nephew bring around, but she has always acted like I’m God’s gift. Then again, my relationship with my fiancé is very different than what his brother and nephew are dealing with…and again, we also live four hours away and I barely ever see her.

My fiancé stood up to his mother for the first time ever when she acted crazy tonight–he told her she needed to stop stressing all the time about his nephew, that he has enough stress to deal with while planning his wedding, the last thing he needs is more. He told her she needed to learn to mind her own business, and that not everyone is truly out to get her–that she always says “poor me” all the time. She flipped out and yelled at him when he did this, and then she threatened not to come to the wedding at all.

I’m a bit hurt by this because I’ve really only ever been kind to this woman out of respect for my fiancé. I don’t understand why she would react that way, and I don’t understand why she would treat him that way. At the same time, I’m very proud of my fiancé, who for the past two months had a complete turnaround with wedding planning and started being involved, saying that most of the time he had been projecting his mother’s stress onto me and my family.

Advice? Opinions? How do I make his mom see that we love and care about her, and get her to calm down? 

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