(Closed) Groom’s Mom Invited Herself Dress Shopping

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

It could be a nice way to bond and develop a relationship? I’d give it a chance, at least. You don’t need to consider her opinions at all if you don’t want to!

Post # 4
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am sorry!

Maybe you could just tell her that you really want it to be an intimate moment with your mom and sister and that you will take her to show her the dress once you have chosen!?!?!?!

Post # 5
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This might not be what you want to hear, but hear me out.

She didn’t breach any etiquette really, aside from inviting herself. But as far as wedding dress shopping, there’s no etiquette on who goes, and how they are invited.

Providing she hasn’t been horrible or abusive or downright awful to you in the 9 years… Take her with you. Embrace them both, even if it’s just cordially and friendly.  FI wants you, apparently, to have some semblance of a relationship with his mom.

It’s a real good time to build a relationship with her, despite the 9 years of nonexistant relationship. They are, afterall, going to be your family now.

Post # 7
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

There are going to be a lot of uncomfortable situations you are going to have to deal with as a bride, a wife, and an adult woman. This is probably the least of them. You need to get over it. It’s not like they want to go to a gyno visit with you and take a peek under the sheet, you know?

Don’t let there be excuses or reasons to deny them, like “he’s not close to his mom” and all that.  He wants her there. He wants his family to be part of his day, too. They seem like they desperately want to be part of it really and are probably looking to forge a relationship and get to know you. They too realize that you are going to be part of their family now. Don’t deny their involvement.

Seriously, be the gracious and warm woman I am sure you are, and just let them come along. Don’t let it be awkward.

I speak from experience on this. Truly. You’re going to feel good afterwards and FI is going to love you even more for it.

 

Post # 8
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Are you planning on making several dress shopping trips?  Maybe you could include your FMIL and FSIL in the second or third expedition, but take just your own mother and sister for the first?

It sounds as though maybe she wants to form a relationship with you and is more interested in being included than hijacking the process.

Post # 9
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This is tough. See, I also agree with Miss ACS for the most part. This situation you’re in will be the least of your problems with your inlaws and I can tell you from experience that just sucking it up and accepting that they’re family now, and trying to enjoy what time you have with them makes things SO much easier.

MY MIL did NOT get along when we first met. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hated her and that she was holding pent-up aggression about me taking her son away from home. We have VERY different tastes on everything and almost never agree. BUT, now we’re pretty close. We shop together, sometimes I’ll even call her to talk. How did this happen? I made an effort to really get to know her, and she dropped her guard.

I’m not saying this will happen with you guys, but you really just have to suck it up sometimes. Family is  family.

BUT, I will also say that dress shopping is a big deal for some women, and I can completely understand why you would want to share it with your mom and sister alone. I’m wondering if you can let your MIL come to this shopping day, and schedule another one with just your mom and sister? or divide the appointments?

Post # 10
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

If it’s important to you to have that as a moment between you, your mom, and your sister then speak up. I am all for involving the groom’s mother (and family) in wedding plans but finding your dress is a big deal. Also, too many opinions could make the day unproductive and exhausting.

Could you invite her to help with some other wedding task so that she still feels included?

Post # 11
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

While you don’t have a relationship with her, this might be a great way to begin one!  She’s going to be in your life, so it would be nice to have a positive relationship with her.  And think about it, maybe she invited herself because she really likes you and is happy that you are marrying her son?!  Her tastes may not be the same as yours, but at the end of the day, you are the one choosing your dress, not her. 

Post # 12
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

MY MIL did NOT get along when we first met. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hated her and that she was holding pent-up aggression about me taking her son away from home. We have VERY different tastes on everything and almost never agree. BUT, now we’re pretty close. We shop together, sometimes I’ll even call her to talk. How did this happen? I made an effort to really get to know her, and she dropped her guard.

I have had a very similar experience to Miss Chapstick. FMIL didn’t seem to like me, I didn’t like her. We both made an effort, for the sake of Mr. ACS, and we actually get along pretty nicely now. I am so glad we made the effort, it’s made life so much easier and less stressful. I am sure it’s going to make the rest of my life that much easier too.

We correspond via email a lot, just because that’s my medium for the most part, and it’s good.

I didn’t invite her dress shopping, because it was sort of a thing my mom and I did on a whim, and I found the dress right away. When I go for my fitting in a couple weeks, I fully plan on inviting her.  Maybe you can find compromise there. It will require tactful navigation in wording how you do this though. They want to be involved, find ways to involve them, even if it’s excitedly telling them “and look at what we picked for a menu!” and “Don’t you think this will look nice?”

Do it, you’ll feel good about it. Don’t fret, don’t freak. Let your mom get to know her too. Trust me, there are going to be so many more worthwhile things to spend your energy on and lose your mind about during wedding planning and life in general.

Post # 15
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Tell her no. If it’s something that you want to share just with your mother and sister, then you should be able to do that. I know that I was super emotional when I went dress shopping and I just wanted to share that experience with my mom. Plus, I’ve been shopping with my mother for most of my life and I don’t take it personally when she tells me that I don’t look good in something or if it’s not particularly flattering.

I don’t know about you, but it took me about two days to find my dress and let’s be honest, no one wants to spend like 8 hours watching you try on dresses besides your own mother.

Tell her that you’d like to share this experience just with your mother and sister and that those are the only two people whom you would like to see in your dress before the wedding day.

Invite her to some other random wedding planning event.

My mom is the only one who has seen me in my wedding dress – she was there with me when I chose the dress and she came with me to my first try on (I had to go and try on the dress and make sure it was the exact one that I ordered) and she just sits there all happy and beaming and I wouldn’t want to take that experience away from her by having someone else there.

Ask your mom how she feels about your FMIL joining  you guys and if she says no, then definitely explain this to your FMIL. If your fiance isn’t that close to her, he won’t mind – just make sure that you include her in some other activity.

Post # 16
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I completely understand where you are coming from. I see the other ladies points of views – but – as my mom said to me: You need to set up boundaries now, otherwise this behavior could become a pattern throughout your marriage.

Yes you need to embrace his mother and do things with her, but I definitely think that you would be ok to tell her that dress shopping is a special event that you have looked forward to sharing with just your mom and your sister. I do think however, that if you do not include her in the dress shopping, then you would need to find a different special way to include her. Perhaps offer to take her shopping for her dress?

My fiance would also not be much help in this situation – I think that if you decide to ask her not to come, then you need to be the one to do it as opposed to asking your fiance to tell her. I have had to take a similar stance with other issues with my FMIL and while it isn’t easy or fun – I know that at the end of the day I made the right decision.

Plus – I know that my mother would be crushed if she had to share certain “special” moments with another mom.

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