Post # 1
sorry if thus is a bit long but I’m writing the morning after a horrible row with my Fiancé and hope you can help with some advice. My Fiances brothers girlfriend Ali (not quite sister in law but close enough) has worn white or cream to each of the last 3 weddings we have attended, the last 2 in the same cream lace dress. I’ve always been brought up that this is just something you don’t do, I consider it disrespectful to the bride and am really quite annoyed by it, probably irrationally so! but it’s never been my wedding so I haven’t considered it my place to say anything. Our wedding is now approaching and I am wearing a 1950s tea length cream dress, Ali will be in all the photos and Id really prefer she wore any other colour. My Fiancé and I have discussed this tricky issue many times over that last few months, often with him initiating the conversation and we’ve always been on the same page, it’s always been our joint opinion with him quite heated on the issue and we’ve agreed that at some point something would probably have to be said.
Last weekend was the 3rd wedding, the 3rd cream dress. Off the back of this my Fiancé mentioned in passing to his mother that we might have to say something, his mother jumped to Alis defence saying we mustn’t say anything as we’d upset her, since then there’s been row on row between him and his mother, him and his sister ( who waded in ) and him and his brother who understandably defended Ali. It’s been horrible, I hate fighting and I hate seeing my fiancé stressed but the one thing that’s made it ok is that he’s always been very clear that it’s our joint opinion and he’s completely with me on it.
Last night my fiancé came home in a bad mood and it quickly became clear he had changed his position, now instead of our opinion it was my opinion (which I’d gone on and on about) and he’d agreed and he’d supported me on it. It’s a subtle but distinct shift to me. Words had been said with his family again and now, apparently, everything was my fault. I had said something on the issue at my hen do (which I don’t even remember), his sister had taken this and repeatedly spoken to his mother about it so by the time he said something to her she was sick of hearing about it hence the row. His mother then waded in unasked and spoke to Ali about it so when my fiancé spoke to his brother he was already defensive hence another row and, somehow, this is all my fault for not warning my fiancé I had said something at the hen that I don’t remember. it seems his whole family are blaming me (which feels great), they are all of the opinion that wearing cream to a wedding is fine and they’ve never heard of the convention against it. He has asked me to apologise to them all and blame it on stress. I’m deeply hurt and upset because I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong but equally I don’t want him at odds with his family… any advice
Post # 2
Steph77: Personally i’m with you. I know some people don’t think it’s a big deal but seriously, there’s a million colours you can wear to a wedding, is it really that hard not to wear white?? The issue has certainly been blown WAY out of proportion.
You and your FI need to have a chat once the heat has died down, and you need to explain how you feel about him siding with his family. More than anything else you want to be on the same page as him.
I think it’s quite unfair that they’ve all made you out to be the bad person, seriously, someone needs to tell your almost-sister-in-law to just wear another colour and get over it. Why would she want to upset the bride that way? It’s so unnecessary.
You may get people on here telling you that you need to get over it, but particularly if you’re dress isn’t overly bridey or is a little different, I totally get where you’re coming from!
Post # 3
Steph77: The most disturbing part here is how your fiance has sided against you. He needs to make it clear (to his family) that he supports you. Right or wrong, this is important to you and he should back you up; and tell them that this is how you feel and it is a long standing tradition.
That said… take a breath. There won’t be that many photos with her in. She’ll only be in a few family photos. In fact you can also even request extra family photos without her (blood relatives only) if you want – it’s yours and your fiance’s wedding, so you guys get to decide what photos to do.
Post # 4
Thanks so much! It really helps to have you say that
Post # 5
aussiemum1248: thanks for your help! In my other halfs defence he hasn’t openly taken his family’s side, on the face of it he’s defended me to the hilt. It’s just behind closed doors he seems to have had a change of heart
Post # 6
I agree with PP. If your dress is not a traditional bridal gown and will look similar to the ones you’ve seen her wear at weddings, I would be worried that she’ll do the same at yours too. And right or wrong your FI should side with you. I would try to keep her out of the photos as well if she wears her cream color dress again. I agree with family only photos and take individual ones with her.
Did you mention to FSIL how your dress is? Maybe if you show her or describe your dress, she will get the hint and wear a different color.
Post # 7
I would just talk to her myself. “I was just looking through photos and noticed you were wearing a cream dress to the last few weddings we’ve attended that looks very similar to my wedding dress. Were you planning to wear that dress again?” and if she says yes, ask her if she minds picking a different color.
Worst case scenario, have your photographer photoshop her dress a different color if she comes in wearing white. When you send them copies, perhaps she’ll get the hint.
Post # 8
In the bigger picture it is not that uncommon for guests to wear white cream or ivory to a wedding. It seems to be a far bigger issue in the US or more specifically on the Bee than in real life so try not to stress. No one will mistake them for the bride even if they were to turn up in a full on wedding dress so you have nothing to worry about.
However if you really really feel this is a big deal to you then I think you should have just spoken directly to Ali and say that it bothered you. Clearly she isn’t wearing this dress deliberately to annoy brides and I am sure if she knew you had such a problem with it then she would wear something else to please you.
I do think you and your FI were out of order by going all around the houses discussing it with everyone else and perhaps you should be apologising for igniting the drama.
This should have been a tiny issue which could have been very easily resolved and not worth a big family fall out.
Post # 9
newbeelove: I’m guessing that someone who wears white and cream to three weddings in a row is not the sort of person who is going to be very receptive to hints. I also think it would be best if someone else speaks to the SIL on the OP’s behalf, however, to minimise the drama and “OMG BRIDEZILLA!1” accusations.
OP, is there any female relative or friend who can sit her down and gently say that it might be best if she stopped wearing white to people’s weddings? Some people legitimately don’t know this is a thing and might think “Hey, white is like a wedding theme – I should wear it too!”.
Post # 10
That’s disrespectful of her in my opinion… And no it’s not only in Bee or the US… It’s practically a tradition all over the world! I’ve been and seen different types of weddings both asian and western.Only the bride wears white (maybe bridesmaid as well), other than that guests wear other colors. It feels like Ali is doing it on purpose… I mean 3 weddings and she wore a cream/white dress? either that’s her favorite color, or she’s trying to get attention or hint that she wants to be the bride… if I were you I’d tell her straight up or send a card with the invitation about your color theme that also says no white/cream dresses. I’m actually thinking of doing this for my wedding ceremony, or maybe post a hint through Facebook… But then, half of my guests are asian, so they already know that rule.
Post # 11
Steph77: In some arguments there are hills worth dying on…the color of a dress a guest is wearing is not one of them. I would let it go.
Post # 12
Steph77: Are her and her family from a different country/culture? That may be whyb tyhe request sems so odd?
I don’t see why she can’t wear a different colored dress if you ask. It isn’t an unreasonable request. I agree with pp. If she chooses to go against your wishes, limit the number of photos she’s in.
Post # 13
newbeelove: thanks for your post. Alis seen a picture of my dress so she’s already aware
its shorter and cream as are my Fiances sister and mother
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius
Steph77: I would be upset too if this were me, and I don’t think it’s just a US thing, I am in the UK and it’s not the thing to do here either. I can see your concern especially as you are wearing a cream, tea lenght dress.
She may really just not realise and it’s her ‘nicest’ ‘formal/wedding’ dress that she owns and pehaps isn’t able to buy another one she feels is suitable for the occasion? I wouldn’t wear the same dress to multiple weddings with simular guests in the same few months/year anyway, cream or not!
I have been in several situations within my soon to be family in law and one thing I have learnt is always just speak to the person that is concerned, once it is being spoken about by everyone else and inevitably will get back to the person, it will upset them even more.
I really would just speak directly to Ali and explain your concern, that it is the most important day of your life, and a lot of thought went into your not so traditional wedding dress, and you would feel much more comfortable about your choice if others weren’t wearing a simular dress. I personally would never wear a white/cream/ivory dress to a wedding…
Post # 15
Koalaclark: thanks for your post. Opinion obviously varies on the relevance of the tradition, we’re in the UK and it’s quite well known here but that said it’s obviously passed some people by. I’m sorry you feel my Fiancé and I were out of line to discuss the issue with others, I take your point but in our defence the only times we mentioned it, other than between ourselves, was a passing comment I apparently made on my hen do (I don’t recall and suspect some champagne was involved) and my Fiancé mentioning it briefly to his mother, it snowballed from there. We have not exactly been going round shouting about it