Weddingbee boards

Ok, first I need to say that I am pretty shocked about this.  It sounds like something out of a movie or at least fake (sadly it's not).  But here goes:

I got a text from my FH's roommate's ex girlfriend (wow that's complicated).  Let's call his roommate Steve.  So Steve's ex-girlfriend sent me a message this morning.  Basically she says that he has been actively trying to break us up for a while.  He's even gone so far as to call my FMIL to gossip about me.  Then she added that he refuses to stay in the house when I'm visiting.  And that she thinks he's in love with FI (they've been friends for years, and I don't think this is true.  But there definitely is a lot of jealousy involved here). 

First I was just shocked.  I didn't realize that a grown man could behave like that, but maybe I gave him too much credit for being an adult.  I know he doesn't like me, frankly, I don't like him either.  And it was obvious to me that he doesn't stay in his house when I'm visiting (kinda hard to ignore).  But this was a confirmation.  The worst part is that he calls my FMIL to basically talk trash about me--I can't imagine what he's talking about.  He doesn't know me all that well since we don't communicate.  I'm livid.  I know he's been jealous of me.  But to go so far as to take action to try and get between me and my FI?  

I don't know what to do now.  I called FI and told him about the message.  He wasn't shocked about it (sadly, this behavior doesn't sound too dramatic for Steve).  He sounded upset but not as upset as I am.  He told me he loved me, and Steve knows that too.  To be honest, I want him to find a new roommate and ask him to leave.  I don't want Steve in our wedding party.  I frankly don't want him attending our wedding.  But I think that's my FI's call at this point.  Plus, I don't want to make any demands of him and put stress on our relationship, because really isn't that what Steve wants?

Ugh.  I'm almost embarrassed to write about this, but I don't know where to turn. Any advice out there?  What would you do in this situation?

Thats awful. It sounds like "Steve" is not a very good friend to your fiance...while he's entitled to his own opinion, he needs to respect your fiance's decision to marry you. If you were like, cheating on your fiance and Steve knew about it or something, then yeah, I can see him wanting to step in and look after your FI's best interest, but it sounds like this is more of just a personality clash or jealousy, in which case, his behavior is totally inappropriate. Just curious - do you know why Steve started disliking you in the first place?

If it were me, I'd probably talk about this seriously with my fiance and let him know whats going on and how its making me feel. I'd expect my fiance to stand up for me to his friend, and have a talk with him letting him know that he loves me and that his friend needs to accept that if their friendship is going to continue. Whether Steve likes it or not, you are going to be in your fiance's life forever now! Good luck.

You guys are amazing!  Thanks for the quick responses--I was literally holding my breath just trying to figure out what the heck to do next!  For the record, "Steve" is just a jealous person as far as I'm concerned.  We're in a long distance relationship so our interactions were limited.  He actually know me.  What he does know, is that his friend is now in a relationship and he can't be his wingman anymore.  Simple as that.  He can't handle being on his own and he wants, no needs, the attention.  He's a self centered guy and vain guy that likes to go out on the weekend and get as many girls as possible.  My FI isn't into that bc he's in a relationship.  

Thanks for the responses!

@ejs and farmersdaughter - It's gonna be rough to let him take care of it, I'm not really used to that, but you're right.  It's FI job to handle it. 

@mmuncha--thanks for your honesty.  I really really want to confront him, but I don't even know what the heck to say to him.  But I have hope that this won't get between me and my SO.

I think it is very important to present a united front (good practice, too, if you have kids later)! This way, there can be no he said/she said, misinterpretation, and further phone call to FMIL or anyone else. IF you FI went to talk to him alone, he gets the opportunity to make it worse without you there to defend yourself (not that you should have to).

I personally would print out the email you received and you AND your FI should CALMLY go to him and ask about it. Give him the chance to explain, correct, or at least admit. I think going to do this together shows the strength of your relationship and even just by going together, you could squelch the problem.

Also, you said this letter came form an "x" of STeve's, so really- even though there is evindence of Steve being an a$$, it really would be the fairer thing to do to give him the opportunity to explain- in front of both of you. SEcond hand info is hardly ever 100% accurate.

I think you should also go TOGETHER to your FMIL, show her the letter, and tell her about the confrontation with Steve.

Agree with everyone else.  The only thing is remember that sometimes people we love as total asshats but... we don't stop loving them and they don't stop being important to us.  Your FI must stand on your side absolutely (and it sounds like he is) but please don't ask him to throw someone he loves our of his life (not that you are asking that).  Imagine this was his brother - it's proper to stand up to him and maybe to stop talking for a while but cutting all ties will hurt your FI as well as Steve.

I am sorry you're going through this, and I went through something similar but my "Steve" was put under the command of my FMIL. She sent our "Steve" to get dirt on me and used him to try and split us up, after a while our "Steve" started to really like me, and didnt want to do it anymore. FMIL got frustrated and eventually gave up on us splitting...it's hard because its someone that you trust and love. They're in your life for a reason, it's just hard to remember when they act like jackasses. It's your FI's bag to handle, I just hope he does the right thing because this guy is bad news bears and your relationship doesnt deserve that challenge.

Thanks for the advice, again.  

I just got an update (again more of a confirmation), but he's been reading my wedding blog and calling FSIL to chat about it.  HUH???  Who does that?  Writing is my hobby, it's something I love.  And our wedding is something that is very special to both of us, which is why I bother blogging about it in the first place!  My dear FSIL thought he would appreciate the link and sent it to him, now they chat and laugh about it. I guess it's a blessing that I haven't had time to keep up with it too much.   What a loser.