Post # 1
My fiance and I are both pretty well acquainted with each other’s friends but he does have one groomsman living in another city that I have only met a couple times and have never met his wife. We just found out that the two of them are getting divorced! Aside from all the confusing feelings we are having about seeing this happen to a couple our age and who we consider a lot ‘like us’ as far as lifestyle, situation etc, we are at a loss about what to do as far as him being in the wedding party. I think Fi should ask the groomsman if he is still ok with still being in it at this tumultuous time in his life. Fi thinks that would be rude and doesn’t want to say anything unless the friend brings it up. He says I am selfishly only thinking about how the divorce affects us/the wedding instead of how it affects the friend. That’s definitely not true, I am trying to look out for the guy’s feelings here. I know if I was in the middle of a divorce I would not really be excited about being in someone else’s wedding. But guys are different, and like I said I really don’t know him well. Either way I’m not advocating ‘kicking him out’ as my fiance puts it, I just want to make sure he doesn’t feel awkward. Any advice?
Post # 3
You gave your thoughts to your FI, so now just let it be. Its his friend, so he should decide if he wants to offer the guy an out or not. But I doubt he would take it – a friend of mine got dumped a month before our wedding and I know our wedding was a really hard day for her. But at the same time, she would never ever decide not to stand up for me because of it! I would just not worry about it anymore.
Post # 4
I might not be clear on what your seeking advice for, but I agree with Janna, leave it be. I agree with your FI that asking if he still wants to be in the wedding might come across like he’s trying to politely ask the GM to back out. But that is something that I see as more of a girl thing. (Like girls try to read between the lines.) So not being a guy I’m not sure. Maybe just trust your FI on this.
When is the wedding? Is there some Gm duty, like picking out tuxes, that your FI can ask him to join in going to. (That way maybe your FI can gauge where he is emotionally, or give the GM an opportunity to say, "Gosh, this isn’t feeling right anymore.")
Post # 5
That’s tough. Most guys will suck it up but you have to make sure not to be affected by all the negative vibes he might bring. Two of my friends are divorced and when that happened, they were not really fun to be around, especially when discussing weddings. They both have started new relationships and one of them re-married.
Just make sure he doesn’t go all Mitch – Luke Wilson – on you during your wedding, a la Old School.
Post # 6
If this friend so close that he is expecting to be asked to be a groomsman? If so, I think it’s up to your FI to bring the subject up so the poor guy isn’t left wondering what’s up. Even if he says no, it’s nice to be asked.
He can say something like, "I feel a little awkward bringing up our wedding at a time like this (the divorce), but FI and I would be honored if you would be a part of our wedding party. However, we understand that you’re going through a tough time and so if that’s not something you want to do right now, that’s cool too. I just wanted you to know that I really value your friendship. You can think on it and let me know later. No hard feelings if you say no, I will totally understand. Whatever you decide, know that we’re here for you."
If the guy isn’t a shoo-in for groomsman and your FI doesn’t want to ask him now, then just let it pass.
Post # 7
I disagree with the other comments, and I bet the people that said them do not have personal experience with divorce. When I went through mine 6 years ago it was amicable and a mutual decision, but I still cried all day the day it was finalized. I also cried every time I got a wedding invitation that year, and those weddings I couldn’t get out of attending were miserable for me. I did care about the friends and family members who were getting married, but I couldn’t bear the feeling of failure I personally experienced by seeing them all declaring the wedding as the most important day of their life, thus implying that marriage is the most important thing in life. Now that I’m engaged again I am ready to celebrate the good in marriage, but let me tell you, there was a time when I could only see the bad.
And getting dumped is not the same thing.
If he didn’t ask the guy yet it shouldn’t be an issue. If he did, I think you are right, your FI should check to see if he’s still down.
Post # 8
OK… More details. Sorry. I guess I don’t even know what I was seeking advice for, just hoping someone else would have a similar prediciment that all worked out fine in the end, I guess. Yes, Fi has already asked this guy and he has accepted. He is one of Fi’s oldest friends, but definately not his closest. The wedding is about 7 months away, so the guys really haven’t started any planning yet.
I’m kind of coming around to the idea that he will say something if he’s not comfortable being a groomsman. But I am still worried that he could feel obligated to be a part and not say anything but all the while he actually ends up feeling how SeeSpotRun describes. Excet it was not amicable OR mutual for them.
Post # 9
Wow, that’s a tough situation. I think that its great that you’re concerned about your GM’s feelings. Have you tried talking to your FI more about the situation? Perhaps if you let your hubby-to-be know a little more about your thoughts, you might have a better idea of what to do. Sometimes, girls are a little more perceptive than guys. Your FI may simply be moving along in his own life (like many guys) and trying not to get involved in his friends’ life without being invited (like many guys).
By letting your FI know your true feelings he might better understand that you’re not trying to banish your groomsmen, or make him feel worse about the divorce. Instead, you’re just trying to be as considerate as possible of his feelings- you don’t want to put him through the pain of dealing with lovey-dovey-wedding-world when all he can think about the pain of his failing marriage. And then maybe your FI could talk to him, and let him know that its 100% up to the GM how involved he wants to be. If he wants to back out graciously, that would be cool. Or if he’d still like to be part of your day, but not have to be part of every single detail leading up to it, then that would be cool.
In typical guy-way, your FI doesn’t have to have a big sit-down wit his groomsmen. Maybe just talking to him the next time they are out for drinks or something might work. All your FI needs to do is let him know that he may not know what the GM is going through, but that your FI is there if he needs to talk, and understands if he can’t be completely involved in the wedding right now.
Your heart is definitely in the right place, Crash. Good luck!