Post # 1
FI and I got engaged over a year before the date of our wedding. I was still able to pick my bridal party pretty early on–my MOH has been my best friend for 10 years and my bridesmaids are my sisters. However, it wasn’t as easy for FI who had moved around quite a bit recently, fallen out of touch with quite a few friends, and was just newly developing a few relationships. But I think he panicked about picking three people since I had my three. He made two choices he’s really happy about–his brother and a close HS friend he stays in touch with. However, the last groomsman was a HS friend he doesn’t stay in touch with except rarely. He was pressured into choosing this man because his mom loves him.
The third guy is a DJ and will be doing music for our wedding. I’m concerned about how he’ll do music for the ceremony, DJ and perform his groomsman duties. FI and I are both feeling upset that this guy who neither of us keep in touch with ever is going to be in our wedding party. (FI tries to get together occassionally with no luck.) We’re also concerned it’s going to be awkward when in a couple months out of the blue FI will be asking him to buy his tux.
On top of all this, FI has become great friends with one of the new relationships I previously mentioned. They’re roommates and talk daily. FI would much rather have him involved than the old friend he doesn’t talk with.
I know asking groomsmen to step down is a very tricky subject–but it it at all possible to use the fact that he’s going to be DJ to help with this? Is there any possible way out of this mess? We’d like to be surrounded by the people we love on our wedding day–does FI’s mistake mean that’s no longer possible?
Post # 2
laurenrenee33: So the groomsman that you want to dump is also the DJ? Yeah that is going to work.
Are you paying him for his DJ services? What exactly are these groomsmen duties that need to be done during the reception?
Post # 3
j_jaye: Yes, the groomsmen we’d like to dump is the DJ. Yes, he’s being paid for his services. I’m worried about a bunch of little conflicts–can’t stand up front and be worrying about music at the same time, as the MC he would be responsible for announcing the wedding party but he’s in it, etc. I’d also like for the important people in our life to be able to enjoy the party with us, not work it. He’s someone I’m much more comfortable having work it than take part in it.
He’s also rather flaky. I already have enough worries about him bailing on the wedding just with him being our DJ–it’s a lot scarier because he’s currently a groomsman.
Post # 4
laurenrenee33: Asking him to step down at this stage will be really dicey. Here are the three strategies I think you can consider:
1) Tell him you made a mistake and ask him to step down. You have to be prepared that you might lose a friendship (although it doesn’t seem like they were very good friends) and a wedding vendor over this. It may also stir up a lot of drama.
2) Gently bring it up, but be ready to back off. In this strategy, bring up that since you’ve hired him as a wedding vendor you think you’ve asked him to take on too much by being a GM and ask if he’d prefer to do just one or the other. Be prepared to follow his lead on what he chooses (status quo, just GM, just DJ).
3) Grin and bear it. You’ve made your decision, just stick with it and hope for the best.
The right option is really up to you and your FI.
Post # 5
They don’t sound like they’re particularly close friends so you could just say “hey we think being DJ and groomsman is too much so just focus on DJ’ing” should be fine.
Post # 6
laurenrenee33 – I see you are getting married next summer so you still have plenty of time…my primary question is if you are comfortable having him as your DJ since that is a very important vendor (besides the music, the DJ is also the MC and handles the flow of the reception). You mentioned he is flaky but do you think that carries over to his professional life? Is he experienced working as a DJ at weddings (if not I would re-think using him)? Have you talked to anyone else who has used his services? As for the groomsmen issue, I would casually bring up the issue of him pulling double duty and ask him how he feels…a lot of guys don’t really care about bridal party stuff or are familiar with what being a groomsmen entails. If he is DJing the ceremony he can’t be part of the ceremony even if you kept him as a groomsmen. Especially because of this last fact, I would have your FH ask the good friend/roommate to also be his groomsmen, regardless of whether or not you keep the DJ as a groomsmen.
Post # 7
laurenrenee33: Regardless of whether you ask this other guy to step down (which should be 100% your FI’s choice, since it’s very possibly a friendship ending move), your FI can have his roommate and good friend be a groomsmen if that’s what he wants. There is no requirement that the sides of the bridal party need to be equal, and I think your thinking that they should be is what got you in to this mess in the first place. Before your FI asks the other guy though, he should think about if they’re going to remain great friends for another year.