Post # 1
I hate asking this question. I feel insensitive for even thinking about the wedding at a time like this, but we are less than two months away from our big day, and of course this is what I stay up thinking about—this and my head is reeling from the tears. I need advice, because right now—I can’t think straight—or don’t want to think straight so I want to toss it out there—and read the advice in a few weeks.<
My fiancé and I just lost a dear friend and groomsman in our wedding. I don’t live in the same city as my soon-to-be hubby and have never in the three years of our relationship seen or heard him cry. He called me balling tonight… I couldn’t understand him, but what I could make out is that our friend died. I found the news article—and his life was summed up in five bitter words “man dies in motorcycle accident.”
It’s surreal to lose a friend; I must admit this is a first for both my hubby and I. Since I couldn’t get a plane ticket to be with my fiancé—he went out with other friends. I called my mom crying. She tried to calm me down—eventually our conversation moved to the wedding (after an hour or so). I told her we weren’t going to replace him in the wedding—we had 4 groomsmen and 4 bridesmaids. She told me that weddings were for the living—and we shouldn’t upset the balance of things—and that the wedding was a celebration of our (my fiancé and I’s) lives together… but I just don’t know what to do. (And I hate myself for thinking about this!!!) My fiancé love that man like his brother—closer than his brother, he has a brother—and I loved that man like a brother too. And I really can’t picture anyone else in the world standing next to us. Although, my mom pointed out that we should consider asking his brother step in. But I don’t know. I did see her point about the wedding turning it into a memorial for him and putting a damper on the mood when only about a third of the guests knew him. What do we do? And what do we do about honoring him?
Post # 3
Oh no!! 🙁
Is it possible to put the whole decision aside for a few weeks, to put the focus on your friend and your FI… and then deal with it then, when you and your FI have more closure on what happened?
Post # 4
Oh my gosh.. I’m so sorry :'(
I don’t agree with having someone "step in" in his place. But I agree with your mother, that your wedding should not turn into a memorial for your friend. You’re wedding should be the happiest day of your life, and I know sometimes we are reminded of the ones that we wish were there, but you need to focus on starting your new life with your new hubby. I do not know the best way to honour him, but I wish you luck… and I cannot express to you how sorry I am for your and your FI’s loss. **hugs**
Post # 5
I am so sorry for your loss…Please know that I understand what you and your FI are going through. I lost one of my BMs on Feb. 26th — she had been an important part of my life for the last 16 years. Honestly I was not sure how I was going to forward without her standing next me. Still four months later, I still do not how I am going to make it through the day which is in less than a month.
We decided to move forward with our wedding and while the whole wedding is not going to be a memorial for her, we have incorporated her into our wedding… listing her in the program, I have her picture in a charm for my bouquet,etc….
What gets me through this process is thinking how mad she would be if I postponed or cancelled my wedding because she is no longer physically with me. She is in my heart forever.
I have other things we are doing to honoring her and others in our lives that have passed on. If you would like details send me a message and I can share.
Post # 6
How awful!!! So sorry to hear about your dear friend. While your mom is right, it would be impossible to celebrate the day without recognizing the absence and the meaning your friend had for you. You need to find a happy medium where you and your fiance feel you are respecting your friend without dwelling too much.
I lost 2 of my grandparents in the last year and a half, so we’re going to acknowledge them in the program. Also we have had 3 of our 6 groomsmen get deployed to active military duty. We’re not having anyone stand up in their places. While they are very much alive, they cannot be at the wedding, and we are honoring their service by setting a place for them at the table (not all at the same table) and on that place having a picture of them and some info about their service. Good luck!
Post # 7
I will very rarely tell other people what to do with their wedding, but I’m going to give you this very strong advice. Do not replace him in your wedding party, especially this close to the big day. So many reasons… he is not replaceable, and by putting someone else in his place, you’re implying that he is. Another big one is, think about the person who will be doing the replacing! How is he going to feel knowing that he’s standing up there because another man died! That’s an awkward position to put him in!!
Having uneven wedding parties is not that big of a deal. Especially not in this situation.
Post # 8
I am sorry for your loss, and I have no good advice for your other questions.. but I would not replace him. It is ok if you do not have the same number of groomsmen as bridesmaids.