groomsmen drama – fiance really hurt

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ouch!

 

Glad random guy stuck up for your FI, but that is such a shitty situation.

 

I dont really have any advice other then to maybe have FI take a week long break from contact with those two  and let everyone cool off,  then maybe try to have a chat with them seperately to sort things out. I’d probably start with Shawn – since the party lifestyle is realatively new to him, he’ll probably be most receptive and understanding. The key I think is to have him chat with each guy seperately – they’re less likely to gang up and ty to pressure him if they dont have the other to back them up.

ETA- How old is everyone? The whole situation sounds very immature, something you might see from early 20 yrs old guys(obvi not all of them). If it is just that they’re young and immature, then if things arent sorted in time for the wedding, maybe theres hope for down the road when the grow up some.

Good luck, hugs to your FI

Post # 4
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree. Its strange that Shawn all of a sudden did a personality 180, and that might make him more receptive/easier to talk to than mike. I wonder what happened in his personal life to make him suddenly enjoy behaving like this. Also you should start hanging out more with that random guy, he sounds like a gem 🙂

I agree that I think your FI should take a break from talking to both guys for a little bit just to cool off. Shawn did say the thing about not being his best friend because of you after drinking; not everyone responds to alcohol in a positive way and it might have been the alcohol talking? Not that thats an excuse for his atrocious behaviour, but it might factor into the equation. As an aside, are you your FI first girlfriend/FI/soon to be wife? Maybe Shawn isn’t used to “sharing” FI, and just because of the way relationships work he isn’t seeing as much of your FI as he is used to?

It sounds as if Mike is pretty entrenched in his ways, so trying to talk sense into him wouldnt work. It sounds as if Shawn is more the problem, he has changed (for the worse) and is participating in ganging up on your FI and pressuring him into doing things he doesn’t want to do, and to top it off, he is the one that made that comment. He is the one that needs to be talked to.

I would suggest having your FI tell Shawn that he still wants to be friends and still wants him in the wedding, and that he feels sorry that Shawn feels like they aren’t as close as they once were because FI is spending time with you; and maybe offer to spend more time together. i think that if your FI made efforts to hang out with Shawn one-on-one without alcohol or strippers (like if they had a buddies weekend camping and fishing or something), just to remind Shawn that there are things that they can enjoy doing together, it might help? It just sounds like Shawn is jealous, like you said, of the time that he *doesn’t* get to spend with your FI, and is making snide comments rather than confronting the issue head-on. It would have been nice if he felt this way to just speak up, rather than hurting peoples feelings by making rude comments.

It doesn’t sound like Mike was threatening to leave the wedding, unless your FI doesn’t want him there I didn’t see where Mike said or did anything dramatic/out of character.

Post # 6
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Did Shawn ask you for suggestions on what to do for a bachelor party? What was his response when you did?

Post # 7
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think there is a mentality when people are doing things they don’t feel 100 percent good about, that they don’t want to be alone in it. It’s really silly that grown people act this way. It kind of reminds me of gossip. When people are gossiping at work they try to pull other people in and coerce them into saying stuff so they won’t feel like jerks. At any rate, I feel very sad for your fiance. This has nothing to do with you. They sound immature and disrespectful. I think just give it space. It’s really your fiance’s decision what comes next. I would step back if I were you and let him handle it. It’s very possible a few weeks will pass and these dudes will apologize. Good luck, hon!

Post # 8
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think it’s the alcohol talking. I think Shawn is feeling left out by your fiance and hasn’t responded to it in a good way. He’s perpetually single, so maybe he’s feeling like everyone is getting a wife and moving on with their lives and he’s stuck in the past and not moving forward with this life? That’s why he finds Mike, who goes out and parties all the time, even if he is married clearly his wife allows him to act single, and starts doing a 180. I doubt he ENJOYS this, but maybe he feels like he’s missed out or it’s the only thing left to do since he can’t get into a serious relationship?

I think your FI needs to talk to Shawn and ask him what’s going on with HIS life, because something must be if he made a complete 180 and is saying that your FI isn’t his best friend (or the other way around). I don’t think this has to actually do with YOU personally, but probably the fact that your FI is getting married, period.

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