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Groomsmen/FI's brothers who look like Grizzly Adams refuse to shave

posted 2 years ago in Family
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    1.
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    MsMarch2010    March 13, 2010   Huntington Beach, CA

    My FI 3 brothers are our groomsmen. 2 have long unkempt wild hippie like beards, the last one has a no joke Salvador Dali mustache.  They are all refusing to shave for the wedding. FI said he tried, but they won't.  They think it's funny.

    His brothes have not done anything for the wedding not even through FI a bachelor party, and his mother paid for their wedding attire. His parents are also paying for all of their travel and accomodations to our destination wedding. They are all in their mid 20's.   I am really hurt that they cannot do one small thing for our wedding.  My family thinks they look like Amish terrorists.   They are going to look hideous next to my lovely glamourous bridesmaids and ruin my photos.

    I am trying to be cordial but I feel like going Bridezilla on their butts!

     
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    bohemianbailie    January 15, 2011   Huntington Beach, California

    I would just only include them in the absolute bare neccesity photos. like ones with your FI and them so the only people really seeing them are you and him and his family. Also maybe in a joking way mention it to your family like OMG you will be so surprised at how unique FI's brothers are!!

     
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    Helper bee
    thebriz    May 2010   Brooklyn, NY

    Sorry to hear; if FI parents have no influence  either, other than to try one last time to talk with them, there isn't much you can do.  Trust me, they will feel stupid the day of and will get curious enough looks to embarrass themselves.

    As for pics, etc.; other than those that you must take, tell your photographer to avoid taking as many casual pics of them as possible so that you won't have a ton of them for your albums.

    Hope it works out; makes me feel better not having a large party at all (just BM/MOH and I'd kick FI's brother's butt if he didn't shave; he's military, so I don't think there'll be an issue with facial hair).

     
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    2PeasinaPod       Philadelphia

    It sounds like they're doing it just to irk you. If you let them know that it doesn't bother you that much, and you also think it's funny, maybe the novelty will wear off for them and they'll end up shaving? Try taking a different approach to it rather than demanding that they shave. Maybe something like, "Your beards do look hilarious, but you would you guys mind just shaving the day of? I'm all for hilarious looking beards, but it's just one little favor...please???"

    The nicer and more good natured you are about it, the more willing they may be to shave for you.

     
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    Sugar bee
    teaadntoast    04/23/2010   New York, NY

    Eh - I kinda feel like asking them to shave is akin to telling a bridemaid to cut her hair or color it in a particular way.  I'd talk to your photographer about how to limit the Fuzz Family in portraits with bridesmaids if it really bothers you and swallow the ire.  They should, of course, be included in pictures with/for family, though.

     
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    hotchildinthecity    June 12, 2010   New York, NY

    Agree with TeaandToast.  I feel they are allowed to have whatever facial hair they want.  You wouldn't ask a bridesmaid to cut or color their hair. 

    I really don't agree with "limiting" them in photos.  They're still FI's brothers no matter how they look.  For example, I don't really appreciate that my FBIL has a shaved head (just bc I don't like the way it looks on him) but I wouldn't keep him out of photos because of it.

     
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    Entangled    September 17, 2011   Carmel, CA

    Let it go.  The more you get upset about it, the funnier they will find it.  If it truly looks terrible, it's them that will look bad, not your wedding. 

     
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    Buzzing bee
    monitajb    July 17, 2010   Sacramento

    Shaving off a beard or mustache is not a small thing, if it is their normal look. It takes months to grow it out to whatever look it is you want. So while it does sound like they are immature for their age in other areas, asking them to shave is not asking for a small thing.

     
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    ejs4y8    June 20, 2009  

    I don't think you get to tell them how to shave. You asked nicely, they won't do it (who knows, maybe they'll show up clean shaven and are just busting his balls for it!), but just drop it.

    How would you like it if your FI asked you to have your bridesmaids change their hair color, lose weight, wear makeup, get their teeth whitened, etc? It's on par, to me!

    But as his brothers, I'd bet money they're just yanking his chain to irk with him and you!

     
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    sloth    May 14, 2011   Philadelphia, PA

    I agree 100% with teaandtoast and hotchildinthecity. I think it's unfair to ask them to shave for the wedding. It IS like asking a woman to cut and color their hair.

    I wouldn't worry about the photos. What's more important, anyway, some bushy facial hair in your photos or capturing the whole family on film on a special day?

    That said, if it's that important to you, maybe you can very, very nicely ask them to at least trim their beards so that they're not as sloppy? But if they refuse, I think you'll have to just let it go.

     
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    sloth    May 14, 2011   Philadelphia, PA

    @monitajb - I also agree with what you said, that it's not a small thing if it's their normal look.

    My fiance has a beard (a pretty bushy one) and he asked me if I wanted him to shave for the wedding. I told him that it's his choice and that he could do whatever he wanted, but I secretly hope that he keeps it because he looks like himself with the beard.

     

     
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    hotchildinthecity    June 12, 2010   New York, NY

    @danadelphia: Same here.  FI has facial hair and asked me if I wanted him to shave.  Um, he's had a beard for like 5 years.  He doesn't look like himself without it.

    I also agree with monitajb that if it's their everyday look, it takes a while to get mustaches and beards right.  FI has to grudgingly shave his off every few months to get a "fresh start" and he is miserable while it grows back in.

     
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    greenleafmountain    7.31.2010  

    I don't think you can ask them to shave their beards off, but you CAN ask them to be clean and well groomed.  See if they are willing to pull their hair back, and maybe trim their beards to look presentable rather than looking all scraggly...

     
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    MsMarch2010    March 13, 2010   Huntington Beach, CA

    Yes that was more my concern to be well groomed.  I don't mind a clean Sean Conneryesque beard.  I just don't want something wild and crazy where everyone will point and be like wow!  The Dali mustache makes people stop in their tracks.  He just grew it and it's mainly to make a statement and get attention.

     
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    hotchildinthecity    June 12, 2010   New York, NY

    @MsMarch: But still, you can't make them clean it up/make it shorter if long is how they like to wear it.  As for the Dali mustache...it sounds to me like it would look fun in the pictures, and if someone went through all the trouble to grow it, I doubt they would just want to shave it off for the sake of wedding pictures.

     
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    stormy9973    October 3, 2009   Ottawa, KS

    I agree with the rest of the bees.  You asked them once and that is about all you can do.  I'm sure they had the hair when you and your FI asked them to be in the wedding, so you probably already kinda knew they wouldn't shave.  That is a huge deal to make them shave.  My DH's BM also had long hair and a beard and he didn't cut it for our wedding, but we both knew that he had it when he was asked.  Our pictures look great with him in them.  Just remember it is your day and all the attention will be on you and not them, try and not to worry, your pictures and your day will be great!!!

     
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    mrsmdphd    April 17, 2009  

    I understand your concerns, and I totally sympathize, but I'm not sure there's a lot you can do.  My dad has 6 brothers, and every. single. uncle. has facial hair.  Several of them have been growing it since Vietnam, and will not shave it.  They've also been growing their hair that long.  It's important to them.  To some guys, their facial hair is really important, and your version of presentable and their version are probably very different.  When my dad got married to my stepmom several years ago, they were all his groomsmen, and he wasn't THRILLED with the idea of the super long beards and hair in his formal wedding pictures...but that's who they are, and there's not a lot to be done about that!  And I'll be honest, I love my uncles just the way they are, and I'm looking forward to showing those pictures to people and explaining why my uncles have such crazy hair.  Trust me when I tell you, most people will NOT be looking at your FBILs when they have you to look at!

     
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    missmouse29    July 2011   NWOntario, Canada

    Personally I think a Dali moustache would be rocking [and so hilarious after the fact, like when I am 40].

    If you've asked, and the answer is no, there isn't much else you can do about it. It would be comparable to asking someone with short hair to get extensions, or someone with loooooooong hair to cut it just for your wedding; and that is a little ridiculous imo.

     
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    Pwitty    August 6, 2011   Michigan

    As others have said, I dont think you get to demand they shave and I wouldnt limit them in pictures (the pictures will be great to pull out when they have kids/get married!) 

    If it's within your budget, maybe the groom could take his half of the bridal party to an old-school barber shop to get their hair & facial hair cleaned & trimmed up (not totally clean shaven, just groomed). Check around - it shouldnt be too expensive. Let them know it can be their wedding gift to you Laughing

     
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    accorn    June 9, 2012   Texas/Louisiana

    Just curious as to how it went?

     
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    MsMarch2010    March 13, 2010   Huntington Beach, CA

    It actually did not go too bad.  The brothers all got ready together. The best man shaved completely. My husband was able to instruct the other two brothers to clean up their look while still maintaining their facial hairstyle.  They also have blond facial hair so it did not stick out too bad.  Wasn't my first choice, but I had an amazing wedding day and nothin and no one could take that away.

     
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    Coffeecake    February 15, 2012   Seattle

    You can ask them nicely. Once. That's it. Otherwise, I agree with teandtoast. You may not like the way they look, and you may think your attitude is better or more mature than theirs, but you don't get to control them. You are certainly free to ask them, and maybe you, the bride, charmingly asking face-to-face would help, especially if it's a week or so before the wedding (as they see the reality of all the planning your wedding has entailed, maybe they will have a change of heart), but don't whine or nag. And, a cautionary tale: A friend of mine was a groomsman in a wedding. The bride was, from his view, horrible and was always nagging her FH and the groomsmen to change their looks to fit "her vision". The morning of the wedding, my friend shaved his head like a monk's (long on the sides, shaved circle on the crown of his head). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonsure  Of course the bride hated it, but he still thinks she had it coming!

     

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