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It's quite reasonable for you to pick the bridesmaid dresses without input from all of the girls, since it is quite difficult to choose one dress that everyone will like. You need to be sensitive to the financial needs of your bridesmaids, and not choose an expensive dress unless that is something that everyone wants to spend and can afford (or you will pay for). I don't know exactly what a David's Bridal bridesmaid dress costs, but I am assuming that it is quite reasonably priced. If that is the case, then the bridesmaid needs to suck it up and wear the dress with a cheerful smile even if she hates it. Her behavior regarding the dress (assuming she is not unemployed or a student and can afford it) and rehearsal dinner is quite poor. You might want to ask her flat out is there anything she needs to talk about with you. I'm sensing a lot of hostility on her part, which may not have anything to do with you since it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong. Weddings can sometimes bring out a lot of hostility and anger in people if they are upset that they aren't married, or if they are unhappy with their own marriages.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Good luck!
Ummm...I'm sorry, but what is this girl's problem? What exactly is assertiveness training?
I agree with professorbee - I think the best thing to do is say something along the lines of you've noticed that she's seemed a little hostile when it comes to wedding-related conversations, and you're disappointed that she is not coming to the rehearsal/party when she used to seem so excited about being a bridesmaid, and what gives? Maybe this will give her an opportunity to tell you something she's been needing to say.
Wow, she does seem a bit hostile. Is there something else that could be actually bothering her, but she's taking it out on your decisions for your BM attire?
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If she's never been a bridesmaid, maybe she doesn't know any better. Have you confided in your MOH? Maybe she could knock some sense into her.
Sorry you have to be burdened with this (her).
Bottom line is, Friends don't treat friends like that. (You shouldn't treat anyone like that, but this is about friends.)
Don't let her treat you like that...you are not out of line, and she really needs to learn that being assertive (in her life) has its own time and place and it doesn't mean being ugly, bossy and mean--especially when it hurts someone you care about. Talk to her right away, and see if you can come to a compromise. Good luck, and happy wedding.
It definitely sounds like this girl has absolutely no clue what being a bridesmaid entails. Since she had no problem saying what her assertiveness training taught her, maybe you could just link her to one of the bridesmaid pages on theknot.com. I believe there's a whole article listing duties, including sucking it up and shutting up about the dress/shoes/jewelry.
Does she have a past of historically being a pushover? It sounds like she's gone way overboard with the assertiveness training, but apparently, I've been told I've never known anyone directly, that's not uncommon when people start trying to assert themselves. So I'm guessing that's really what's going on. And most likely she's never been a BM before.
Now how to handle it, I'm not sure. Do other BM's know she's being this way? Maybe one of them can forward an email to all the BM's listing BM duties...I don't know how to do that subtly, but maybe even as a joke. Hopefully she'd look at it at least and realize that you've actually been more generous than is typically expected of a bride.
Something like these:
http://www.frugalbride.com/bmduties.html
http://www.yourwedding101.com/wedding-party/bridesmaid-duties.aspx
Oof. Unless she looks really really really bad in the color you chose (like, personally, I look sick in champagne/beige, I could actually get out of class in high school if I wore something in those colors because they looked so bad on me that my teachers thought I was ill) then you are being really reasonable and she's totally out of line with this. I'd sit down with her and find out what's really going on. Maybe it is just that she's overcompensating for past passiveness, but it honestly sounds like something else is up and she's taking it out on this.
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She's off her meds.
Part of being a bridesmaid is biting your tongue and wearing what the bride requests within reason...I mean you're not asking her to dress up like a Las Vegas show girl or an a Santa Claus suit or anything.
In my fantasty, you would tell her to either suck it up or not be a bridesmaid. I would also ask her if they let her wear whatever she wants at Assertive Training classes.
lol
I actually agree with GaBGal. At the least, I think that she is clueless as to the customs of BM duties and requirements. Maybe there's something beyond that too. But since she said she's never been a Bm before, I'm guessing all she was thinking about was wearing a pretty dress and standing up in front of people, grabbing a little more attention than the average guest. If you haven't already, I'd sit her down and tell her what you need from her as a BM. If she is unwilling to do that, I would offer to pay for her dress (for her not to be in the wedding -since you were going to offer to pay in the firt place.) It will beeasier on everyt=one, and that money will be well spent to keep her from being such a pain in your side.
Good luck.
I think if she doesn't shape up a de bridesmaiding is in order. Being a bridesmaid is a gift the bridesmaid gives to a friend or sister. It is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly! It is not not an obligation a bride has to honor some girls. if your relationship is so bad she couyld be so rude to you and not care she doesn't sound like bridesmaid material.
ew- no wonder no one has asked her! she sounds horrible. I would tell her to hit the road. Seriously-she is really rude and out of line.
I SAY YOU GET RID OF HER SHE IS JEALOUS . BRIDESMAIDS KNOW THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BUY DRESSES IN MOST CASE AND THEY SHOULD ALSO KNOW THAT THEY HAVE TO WEAR JEWELRY AND NORMALLY THE BRIDES PICKS IT AS WELL SHE IS TO HOSTILE . THIS IS YOUR DAY AND THE LAST THING THAT YOU NEED IS ONE MORE PERSON STRESSING YOU OUT !!!
Wow...this girls behaviour is totally uncalled for. When you agree to being a bridesmaid, you agree to everything that comes with it. In my circles, that means presuming you'll have to pay for your dress and shoes of the BRIDES choosing, it's your day...not hers. And I don't understand the comment about "trying to make everyone look like little versions of you" well DUH the wedding is SUPPOSED to reflect the style of you and your FI!!!!!!! I would give this girl an ultimatum, she can either stop complaining and happily take part from here on out, or remove herself from the wedding party, no bride needs that stress. I know it sounds harsh, but you don't deserve to be treated that way.
um, i hate to sound all bridezilla but...
THIS IS YOUR WEDDING! NOT HERS!
it's totally reasonable for you to choose BM dresses without their input, if not expected. any gift you give should be appreciated; it sounds like your other BMs did, so what's her deal.
Not like that...but I'd probably cut her off. Seriously, you dont need that kind of hostility in your life...wedding or not! If she's not being a friend to you, then why should she be included in your wedding. Let her know that her recent behavior confuses you, you get the feeling that she no longer wants to be in your wedding, and that you would rather her attend as a guest (if that's true...).
r u serious!!! sorry that you have to deal with this! She has no idea how nice you are actually being. I've been in weddings where we had no choices whatsoever..down to the hair and shoes and jewelry. Somebody needs to tell her to get over herself...seriously!!
it is your wedding..not hers. and you have been wayyy tooo kind already!!
ask your moh and other maids to help her understand this.
good luck!
OK, SO CHECK THIS OUT! I HAVE A BM ALSO WHO IS GIVING ME A HARD TIME ABOUT THE DRESSES, I.E SHE IS A SINGLE MOTHER AND CANT AFFORD IT AND ALL THAT CRAP! BUT, I WENT TO DAVIDS BRIDAL ....WHAT I DID IS I PICKED 5 DRESSES THAT I LIKED AND LET THEM ALL PICK ONE OF THEIR FAVS AND MAJORITY RULED!! NOW, ON TO THE BITCHYNESS, TELL HER IT DOENS MATTER WHAT SHE IS WEARING , NO ONE WILL BE LOOKING AT HER ANYWAYS ALL EYES WILL BE ON YOU, ON YOUR DAY!! :) I KNOW HOW U FEEL ITS NOT FUN !! ATLEAST ITS NOT FAMILY LIKE MINE IS :( LET HER PICK WHAT SHE WANTS SHE WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS NOT IN UNIFORM!
Wow! What a freaking beotch! I think Professorbee has it dead on!
First of all, when a young lady accepts the "reponsibility" of being a bridesmaid, she KNOWS that she will be wearing the dress of the brides choice, in the color of the brides choice, (occasionally) with the jewelry/shoes/accessories of the brides choice, and even sometimes the hair style of the brides choice!! It's the brides day, not the bridesmaids! Sounds like she needs to get over herself! Ugghhh! Rude girl!!
I think I would honestly sit down with her and say "listen, it sounds like you are very unhappy with the situation. What can I do to make it better for you?" That will at least get her talking! Then once she starts talking about how unhappy she is, I think I would say "Ok, I'm sorry you're so unhappy with the situation. I thought you knew the responsibilites of being a bridesmaid when you accepted my invitation to be one. If you are now regretting the decision, I will not hold it against you if you'd like to back out, now." Also, tell her you'll pay the $50 for the dress, and you can both go on your merry little way...... $50 sounds like it's well worth it to get rid of the D.R.A.M.A.!
...Oh, and it's not you, sweetie, so don't get a complex about being a "bridezilla"! It sounds like you've done MORE than the average bride would to be sensitive to everyone's needs. I agree with professorbee.... usually when bridesmaids pull that total 180, it's because they're jealous of all your happiness! Not someone you would really care to be around, anyway! ;) Good luck, I know it's tough to deal with agressive personalities, but it's better to do it NOW versus on your wedding day!! {{Sending hugs and well wishes}}
Sorry to hear about this! This SHOULD be a time where your bridesmaids are there to help you and support you-showing YOU their LOVE!!! but, with all things dress related, it's always hairy with THE LOOK. I've gotten in numerous arguments with selecting the bridesmaid dress for my party. I have a strong-willed & headed sister. Still, this is your wedding, and maybe do a 1 on 1 and see if there is some underlying issue that could be resolved or remedy before your big day. If not, then the consensus of her not knowing bridesmaid ettiquette is ringing true! She needs to know that she is required to attend rehearsal dinners, wear the dress or colors you chose, along with shoes, jewelry, and of course a smile, and have your back!!! That's all there is to it! I hope it works out for you! This isn't the fun part of wedding planning, but when your day arrives, just enjoy it!
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Hey there-
I need some advice on how to deal with a grumpy bridesmaid. Said bridesmaid originally told me she was thrilled to be a bridesmaid and had never been asked and jumped up and down. However last week she told me that if she had had her assertiveness training three monthes ago when I asked her, she would have insisted that she could wear whatever dress she wanted (I let my maids pick any dress in the same color from David's, so they were affordable and I offered to pay for them if they needed help- she got her's off ebay for $50) and would have told me how unreasonable I was being by asking them to buy dresses. I bit my tougue and said that my parents, who are funding the wedding, wanted a coordinated look (which is true, but I also want it). I offered to pay her back for the dress but she declined. Yesterday I sent an email to the bridesmaids offering to buy them earrings for gifts and asking would they please pick some out from an etsy site. She replied that they were not her style and would I please stop "trying to dress us all like little verisons of you!" I'm kind of at a loss here what to do- She is increasingly hostle, but alternates with more polite behavior- she is now refusing to attend the rehersal/ bridesmaid party after the rehersal because she wants to see friends in town that evening. I feel that I have been really fair offering to pay for a dress, letting her know up-front that she would have to wear one that coordinated and letting the bridesmaids choose their gifts. I guess I just don't know how to politely be assertive about this situation. I'd really really like to not have grumpiness and outbursts at the wedding. I expect those from some heavy-drinking family members, I'd kind of like the maids to have my back that day = )
Any suggestions? I'm really trying to be nice and make the bridesmaids feel loved, but this one seems so hard to please.
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