- 4 years ago
- Wedding: April 2014
So. I have these overseas relations who I am (or was) very close too. Have lived and worked with them in their business quite a bit over the past decade, lots of visits, always in contact on a weekly basis via text message etc. They always said, even before I had a boyfriend, that when I got married that was when they would come to Australia and be at my wedding. This was last reinforced when FI visited them last year (he was not FI at that point) and they said they would see me again at our future wedding.
6 months later we get engaged. Skype them the good news and they immediately become cagey on attending. Like it’s suddenly become real now and they aren’t sure if we’ll come. I was super hurt and upset. I know it’s a big undertaking to do overseas travel for a wedding but maybe don’t tell me repeatedly for a decade that you’ll be there and then partly ruin my engagement by pussy footing around the issue. I asked them dates that would work for them over the next few weeks and they were very non committal. We booked a date for next year and told them when it was. I didn’t bring up their attendance anymore after that because I figured it’s up to them now. My parents visited them a few months ago and they were making all these excuses about why they probably couldn’t come so my assumption was it definitely wasn’t going to happen.
I get a letter from my cousin this week saying she’s been avoiding texting me as much lately because she knew I must be upset with them (yes, I am) and that she’ll be heartbroken if she can’t be there along with a bunch of other excuses. So I thought ok, I’ll have to respond now. I text saying that yes I was quite hurt given that they’ve always said they’ll be there but I wasn’t going to harp on about it and guilt trip people into coming under duress or let it cast a shadow over what should be happy time. Balls in their court basically. She was worried we would lose our relationship if they did not come.
That night I get an abusive email from her (hot tempered) husband that I’ve upset her, she’s been crying all morning over my text, he is so disappointed in me, how could I say they would be guilted into coming blah blah. He then ends it with – we’ve booked the flights and we’ll see you there. My head was spinning at this point – how can I react with happiness that you are attending when I’ve just had an abusive email from you!? I text and said I would reply shortly when I’d had a chance to process the email as I didn’t want to reply out of emotion, but that I think he had misunderstood my messages. I then get another rude email with their flight details in it and how dare I not be ecstatic they have booked flights etc.
FI stopped me sending a response to that as he said it’s too easy for emails to get misconstrued and we just exchanged some short messages. It ended with him saying he’s drawn a line under the whole issue and we look forward to your special day (and he was deleting the correspondence so his wife would not know what he had said to me!). Um, that’s great, but I’m not looking forward to it right now thanks to you! I just don’t know how to feel about this now. Exactly what I did not want seems to have occured – them booking flights to come because they feel they ‘have’ too. I want people at my wedding to be pleased to be there, not feel emotionally blackmailed to attend! I also don’t appreciate be chewed out for no reason because his wife gets emotional easily. He approaches stuff like this like a bull in a china shop and then wonders why people don’t just get over it quickly like he does. FI got me to be the bigger person and not engage in back and forth emails with him but it’s left me feeling rotten and like he totally got away with having a go at me and I’m not allowed to respond. I hate being the bigger person – sometimes I want to be the very small stabby person!
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I just can’t feel happy they are coming now with it having occured like this. I am the type of person to dwell on this sort of stuff, I don’t know how to just ‘move on’ from what occured and not let it bother me. Normally if someone treated me like this I’d just say you aren’t worth my time and move on without them in my life but they are now flying halfway around the world to attend my wedding :-/