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Wow, that makes me cringe with disgust. What are people thinking?! How insanely rude. I fear the same thing for my wedding and I just hope I don't have to deal with that. I'm sorry. That's crappy.
I hate hate HATE hearing people do this! I know it's a common thing that people are so rude about this, but I want to just send all these rude people to etiquette classes.
Yeah... that is just plain RUDE!!!
You should have your FI call her and let her know that becuse of "fire marshall" Codes she cannot have a +1. That you are already at capacity for your event.
Would you let her bring someone if you had another person decline the invitation and you had more room?
I've had 4 people who have invited someone even though their invitation didn't say "and guest". I'm just hoping that we'll have enough seats!!! Some people have no clue! The worst part? It's a destination wedding!
This is my fear! That's so classless to me, why does this always happen? I won't be able to handle it tactfully at all so I'm hoping I'll be able to avoid it. I think we'll have more issues with my FI's family so it'll be him having the awkward convo's. The thing is, if you don't want to offend her or risk her not attending at all, you kinda just have to go with it. If there's not love lost, then shoot- tell her that that's extra money you shouldn't have to pay! I just know that I wouldn't be able to actually initiate that converstation.
Good thing your FI is taking care of it! I would hate to have to call someone and be like.... "Ummm, you can't invite someone to my wedding." Haha, so awkward. And it is INCREDIBLY rude when people invite someone else!
Well at least your FI is going to handle it. I know if - that is, WHEN - this happens to us, I'm going to have to deal with all the uninvited extras. That's what I get for being assertive, I suppose.
@Ms.Caniche: Honestly, I haven't thought of that (what if somebody declines). But now that I'm thinking about it, even if somebody declines, I wouldn't want her boyfriend to be there. I mean, FI and I don't know him. We didn't even know he exists until now. I figured they haven't been going out that long. It's not like they're engaged or living together, so I feel like I'm not really breaking any etiquette rules here by not inviting him. The people that we would want in our wedding are the people that we personally know. I guess if this particular friend doesn't know anybody in the wedding, then I would feel differently. I mean her sis and bro in law are gonna be there, as well as 15-20 common friends.
lol....not laughing at you, just the crazy people. We also put "we have reserved--- seat(s) in your honor"...I'm just waiting to see who blatantly ignores that!
people are such dopes. Luckily you have a good Fi ^_^ It's too bad you have to keep putting your foot down...but its your wedding and I don't understand why people don't get that?
We've had one so far add might be bringing their kid (who is an adult doesn't live at home). Very odd to me because I only put Mr & Mrs. John Doe. I didn't have and family nor did I send the adult child an invite to his home. And the fact that they wrote might bring him. Really?
Our wedding is destination so you would pretty much know if they were coming or not by now. Oh well, I'm just not going to lose sleep over it. Thankfully we think things will even out.
Argh, I just went through this same thing. FI's friend told us 1.5 weeks before our weddng (exactly 3 days AFTER all the contracts were signed, finalized, and payments made) that he'd like to bring his gf if that's ok. And his reason for asking so late? He knew we didn't want to include extra guests so he felt bad for asking, but he decided he couldn't hold it any more after keeping silent for 2 months.
I flipped out and told FI that if he wants to include his friend's gf, he needs to find a way to pay the fees for changing the contract less than 2 weeks prior to the event, and he has to handmake her escort card because I am going to fume otherwise. Fortunately, our super awesome wedding coordinator and caterer said it would be fine, didn't charge us anything, and FI made a crookedly cut escort card for this girl.
Oh gosh, good luck. I have 8ish months before I have to deal with this... and I'm sure that it will be something that will happen to me... seems like guests are the same everywhere. :/
Wow that is SO rude. Thankfully your FI is going to take care of it since it's his friend.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, though it looks like the lack-of-class problem is pretty widespread, based on how many brides concur about having the same thing happen to them with their guests' RSVPs. But, on the bright side, your relationship with your FI looks to be exactly in the right place, if he immediately stepped up and offered to handle it. Good for him. I feel badly for women who feel like they have to fight every battle themselves, including with FI's friends and relatives. Glad to hear that he is batting for both of you.
And yeesh, if writing "We have reserved [x] seats for you" doesn't clue people in that they aren't allowed to invite someone that the bride and groom have never met, then that scares me to think that nothing will! I had always imagined that wording was fool-proof, I guess I had too much faith in humanity.
Like previous posters stated, uninformed/rude guests exist everywhere so at least you're not alone!
@purrler: LOL!!! Your evil plan just made my day! LOL!
OMFG PEOPLE LIKE THIS MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM!!
Considering the problems that the no-kids policy created, I would also stick to your guns on this one.
Do people not understand how expensive weddings are? They aren't a free for all! Ok end rant.
You are perfectly justified telling her in a very nice way that no f-ing way can she bring her new boytoy.
lol. Lets take a deep breath and give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe shes never been "formally" invited to a wedding and doesnt understand the rules!
I personally think numbers should include +1s for all. I understand this is a sore spot, but how much do we all hate being invited without a date. I have had this happen one too many times for me. The people that are making the effort to come, especially out of town guests, are entitled to a good time with their partner, be it a casual relationship or a serious one.
I can imagine some far-out crazy scenarios where this would be okay - your previously unknown brother is in town but only for that one day before he ships out to war, your conjoined twin didn't get invited,.... but obviously this is not the case here, it's just someone being stupidly rude. I totally disagree with pugsandkisses, why on earth would I want random strangers at my wedding? and why would they want to come? Even my SO's friends weddings were awkward and not much fun, despite having met the couple a few times. I'll make one exception for a friend from out of town who won't know anyone, but for the rest, I'm following the "really serious SOs only" rule. If people can't handle that, I'm not forcing them to come, after all.
i agree with pugs and kisses. it be awkward to attend a friends wedding without a date?! but if they sent me a reserved one seat ide prob decline and just make it to the ceremony with my gift.
At the end of the day, it's what the bride/groom want and what their budget can allow. A gueslist of 150 could quickly double if you allow +1 which would then equal $$$$. The bride/groom just has to be prepared that some guests may decline if they can't bring SO....IMO, that is just fine, a guest should come because they are ecstatic to witness the union of such an awesome couple....surely being away from the SO for a few days is not so bad.
@ msgthoney:
You just answered your own question :) Even if you had room, you do not want her to bring some guy.
I agree with you 100% I would not want "some guy" to be in any of my pictures (even in the background). My rule is either they live together or they are engaged.
Good Luck!!!
I disagree that you need to be attached at the hip with your boyfriend, ESPECIALLY at weddings. If you will know other people attending, then you don't NEED a date. Especially if the date doesn't know the bride and groom, that's just rude.
I don't think it's a cluelessness that causes people to do that. You NUMBERED the cards. Hers said "1." DUH. Not brain surgery.
Could be worse. My DH's uncle RSVPed for just himself then showed up with a girlfriend and her 16 year old daughter.
I would not dream of inviting somebody alone if they don't know anybody at my wedding. Even if that person has no SO, I would reserve 2 seats for her so she wouldn't feel weird.
The thing with this particular friend is her sister and brother in law are invited, as well as 15 to 20 of FI's friends who are her friends too. It's not like she's gonna be alone and wouldn't know a single soul in the wedding. A couple of my bridesmaids who are single don't even get to bring a date because of budget concerns. I asked them about this before I did my guestlist and they said that it's fine because they know tons of people in the wedding anyway. But this friend gets to bring a date? That's just not fair! My BM's are gonna be pissed if they knew!
@mightysapphire: That is bad!!!!! That's just rude, plain and simple!
this actually has a very simple solution.... it's called planning in advance for everyone to have a guest.
nobody want's to be invited to a wedding without a date- that's the worst insult! It's better to invite a +1 and give your guests the option
I disagree with stephmarie. I mean it's not like having or not having a date really matters in this situation. She explained it to her other friends (the BMs) that they couldn't bring their SO's which I'm sure she knows at least a few of simply because she doesn't have the budget. It's rather rude to expect everyone to be able to bring somebody when it's $40-50-100 a person just for food and drink and that's not including the DIY stuff that she may have to do and the fact that seeing somebody you've never met before or since in your wedding pics would kind of tick you off for all of eternity, especially since he could be a total d!ck and nobody would know until they got there (or an ex-con, that's how I think of it).
Oh heck no! I completely disagree with stephmarie too. We are also on strict guest lockdown and I would be livid if this happened. RUDE. Plain and simple. No way, Jose.
I hate to admit it, but I am guilty of this. I was invited to a cousin's wedding a couple years ago. This was the third one that I had ever been invited to (most of our friends are still dating, not too many are engaged/married,) and to be honest, I just didn't understand the invitation. It didn't specify number of guests, and just because "and guest" wasn't written on the envelope, I didn't know either way whether my boyfriend (who I lived with) was invited. I figured he was since we lived together and had been dating for awhile, but I honestly wasn't sure. There was a blank line to fill out: M _________________, and that was it! I searched the internet and couldn't find any concrete answer. So, I called my grandma (also my cousin's grandma) and asked her. She suggested that I just write both of our names on the response card. So, that's what I did! I later found out that my boyfriend probably wasn't actually invited. We gave them a very generous gift to try to make up for it.
In this case, it's a little different because it sounds like you clearly specified number of guests/seats. Then again, if it said 1, there's a chance that she read that as her + 1 guest/seat. You never know! If you can, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's easy to mix something like that up.
Is it a terrible hardship to accept her uninvited guest? Would it strain your FI's relationship with this particular guest, and does he care whether she's upset? If I were in this situation, I'd probably just let them both come, and understand that by doing so I was avoiding a potentially very sticky situation. It might be bad etiquette on their end, and a bit of trouble on yours, but it might not be worth the hassle of backtracking with them.
Good luck!
Uhmmm, yeah, planning ahead for +1 is just not an option. I would have had to cut my guest list by a third of what it orginally was so those singles could invite people that I don't know. Seroiusly, if the choice was between our distant relatives and our friends' dates (whom we've never met, and are not seriously dating), I'd choose relatives over friends' dates. And I am just talking here about dates. SO's are a different thing. I've invited my friends' SO's even if I've never met them, as long as they married, iiving together, engaged, or have been together a significant period of time, or in this case, at least we know that an SO even exists.
@torybrian: In my opinion, your boyfriend should have been invited (and his name written on the invite) because you've been living together. But that's just me :)
We are seriously considering inviting the boyfriend. FI actually called her and told her about how we are aiming for a specific number of guests only and he apologized for all the confusion. FI told her that if we receive some no's, then we would love for her bf to come so we could finally meet the lucky guy. FI's friend seemed to take it pretty well and also apologized for not calling beforehand about bringing her bf.
So we actually received a significant number of no's so we are planning to invite him. I took into consideration all the ladies that said that they'd be miffed if they can't bring a date. Although I don't agree with it 100%, I recognize the fact that some ladies feel this way. Maybe FI's friend is the same way so we are cutting her some slack.
Wow, that makes me cringe with disgust.
I've cringed all afternoon... searching for the words to say.
Came home to 3 RSVPs which should clearly total 6 ...
well the total is 11.
I have to call 2 and find the words to say the reason the inner envelope said JOHN AND MARY DOE is we are limited to seats, both families are large and there are freinds we are even leaving out. Therefore you may not bring 4 and you may not bring 5 unaccounted for guests.
What do you say?
you should have no qualms about letting your FI tell this girl that her bf can't come.
I strongly disagree with those who say +1s are necessary or even rude if omitted. In our case, we have a very large family and a large group of friends. With plus ones, our guest list swelled to over 300, 100 of which were "& guests" - meaning people I don't even know. We are already at our breaking point with the budget because we want to accomodate our families and friends. I don't see why someone whose entire family or large group of friends will be in attendance can't spend one night without the flavor of the month. All of my friends who asked about dates after receiving the Save The Dates were totally understanding of our situation. As another example, my company throws a Christmas party every year and doesn't allow us to bring guests - not even spouses - and everyone has an amazing time. This is just a ridiculous thing to say.
if all of this is so ridiculous.... why are we all going through it...
driving me bonkers
I agree that it is rude and insulting to invite someone alone. It may be okay if you know the person well and they will have lots of family or friends there, but otherwise why should they sit alone all night feeling ackward because you don't want anyone there you don't know well? It's not like you are going to be able to hang with them at the reception is it?
It is not about being attached at the hip, it is about feeling extremely socially ackward sitting at a table full of couples or people who know each other and staring at your food. I have done it and it sucks! Some of us are not outgoing enough to just hang out all night with strangers. If you don't want your guests to have a good time then don't invite them. Inviting them and expecting them to sit alone is kind of like saying you are not all that important (but send a gift).
I also think some relationships are very important even if the couple is not yet engaged or living together. FI and I have only been engaged 4 months, but we have been together for almost 5 years. Yet, up until a few months ago we would not be invited as a couple according to lots of people's "rules" because we choose not to live together. Other friends I know live together simply because it is convinent after only a few weeks of dating, but they are considered more of a social unit?
It's rude to add people uninvited, but it is also rude to expect someone to travel alone, attend alone, eat alone and bring a gift and then be insulted that they did not think that was what you meant.
We literally had this exact same thing happen, and I found out about it today. FI's friend emailed him (didn't even have the courtesy to call) and said that even though his invitation said he only had one spot, he had already "arranged" to have a guest be with him, so do we mind adding his guest to our list.
By the way, this guest is a girl he is not dating. They are "friends" with benefits. We are having a small wedding as well and did not even invite all our relatives because of budget and logistical constraints.
Grrr. RUDE AND SELFISH.
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Okay, so I thought it couldn't get any worse than my previous post:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/no-kids-in-the-wedding-vent
Apparently, it has. FI and I received an RSVP last night from FI's friend. She added an uninvited guest! How rude, right? And I specifically wanted to avoid this kind of issue by actually blantantly putting "We have reserved ____ seat(s) in your honor."
Well, she saw 1 reserved seat for her but she still wrote 2 on the number of guests coming. Yikes! I didn't even know she has a boyfriend! What's really bad is we've turned down kids because we wanted to limit our guestlist. I hyperventilated for about 20 seconds but FI came and calmed me down with his ever lovely words, "Don't worry babe, I'll take care of it."
Thank God for supportive fiances!